Off I Go

Apparently, I am going to Daddy's for three months starting tomorrow. I will miss my Mommy and she will miss me at least that is what she keeps saying to me. I don't know how much I believe it where she is going to warm weather. My Daddy and I are slowly starting to getting along again. To put it in perspective I no longer wish to bite his face off and then kill him. I am content with just biting his finger off and allowing him to ly in his own filth as he sees fit.

2009

Well, friends, 2009 is upon us and I would like to take this time to reflect on the year that is coming to a close. Let's see where should I begin. First, I have to comment on our first hommey for a President. I am very impressed by this country's willingness to place this country's faith in the hands of inexperience. Although I am glad that McCain and Palin didn't get in either, but what can you do not like we can pick our candidates that would smell of a democracy. Moving on to the fabulous bank crisis/crisises and the blindness to which the government handed out money. It comforts me to know that in 2009 we will have Obama, with his impressive record, and the Senators and Congressman, whom have yet to provide us with sound leadership, leading us into this time of economic uncertainity. I wonder what the new catch phrase will be for '09. Since everyone latched onto "Main Street and Wall Street". Perhaps, they will go with "Buy American" in order to help the failing American auto industry. What a surprise that crisis didn't get resolved before '09, hmmmm seems reminsicent of Roosevelt and Hoover. Unfortunately, it is not my responsibility to provide you with a history lesson.

Well, I guess only time will tell what 2009 brings each of us, but I have a feeling it's going to be a year to remember.

Obama and Time

If I see one more Time Magazine cover with a picture of Obama on it, I'm going to call in the "troops" for the inaugration and it won't be pretty. You will be paying little attention to the Bible Obama is using when the Hawks swoop in and tear it and him to shreds. At least Newsweek has the decency to not promote a black man every week on their cover. My God, what is wrong with Time. Another media outlet whose judgment I question is 60 Minutes. If I see one more Obama interview or last week where the whole hour was devoted to him, I am going to give Andy Rooney something to complain about as he walks to the subway for his precious baseball game in the spring. I can't take this pro Obama media. It's like all the reporters drank the Oprah kool aid. They should be careful - they could end up just as fat as her!

The Fuzzy Robe

Well, we were snowed in this weekend. I use the term we to include, my Mommy, me and unfortunately, my Daddy. I was content enough to watch "Lost" from my house and everything would have been fine if Daddy didn't put on his big fuzzy, blue robe and proceed to lounge around in it all day. It disgusts me to my core. My Mommy allows it and that makes me sick to my stomach. He already acts like a king without the robe. On the weekends I can't make any noise because my Daddy might get upset. I can't sleep with my Mommy or play with her because my Daddy might feel threatened. I live with all of these conditions when he is around, but the robe is insulting and just throws it all in my face.

The Deadline

Well, my dear friends, my deadline has come and gone. It looks like I will be sentenced to three months back in the Chicopee State Prison in lockdown. No one it seems wishes to meet my demands. That's okay, I will remember you in my will. When I am being tortured with the Westerns blazing all day long, don't feel guilty. When I refuse to eat and begin to lose weight rapidly, think of me as you suck down your booze. When Daddy yells "that's it, you little motherfucker...", don't shed a tear for me. When my wings are clipped this afternoon so that I won't be able to escape, don't think that there was something that you could have done to prevent this hate crime. It's okay - I'm a Jew and I have a strong constitution. I am unbreakable. I will continue to aggravate my Daddy until my dying day that I promise you!

HO, HO, HO...

you know what relatives I'm talking about.
In all seriousness it's that time of year again when I start critiquing Christmas decorations. There are those that inflate and those that are life size and usually, if you are lucky they are one in the same. Then are those that twinkle, those that blink, and there are those that blind you when you look directly at them. Yes, it's that time of year when tackiness prevails!

Collectors

I have found in my travels that when someone starts a sentence with "I collect...." it is never anything good. For example, I collect plates right then and there I know I am dealing with someone that treasures CRAP! I collect also tells me that they are a pack rat and watch Oprah. I collect lets me size up the individual and quickly dismiss any opinion that they might hold because I already know that they are not brightest bulb due to their unhealthy obsession with CRAP.
I'm telling you I collect generally replaces reading. Usually, collectors are not very deep, intelligent individuals. They are your McDonald eating, Honda driving, beer guzzling, trailer park living, potato chip people of this world.

Now Accepting.....

I am now accepting applications for my 3 month visit while my Mommy goes to Florida. Before you apply, however, there are some things that you should be made aware of now. First, I do not rise before 8 AM. When I awake, I require nourishment right away. Next, I will need my daily bath in cool, but not cold water. Afterwards, I will need my cereal served in soy milk and if you are lucky I may perform a trick or two to get you on your way. When you are gone "working for the man", I will entertain myself. Nothing more needs to be said in regards to that - you are not here anyway. I cannot stay where there are other pets, as I am allergic to all animals. In the evening I will expect you to share some of your dinner with me and give me a glass of red wine. Then I may or may not feel that I need another bath. We will see how I feel at the moment. I will need total control of the remote. On Saturdays, I like scrambled eggs in the morning and I prefer to sleep a little later.

If after having read these demands, you still wish to apply you must follow these rules.

1. All applications must be postmarked December 20, 2008. NO EXCEPTIONS
2. A photo must be submitted of you and your living quarters.
3. A small vial of blood, urine and hair sample will be required for further testing.
4. A thesis about the implications of the auto bailout both in terms of macro and micro economics arguing either for or against it. Charts and graphs may be used as well.
5. A powerpoint presentation about why you are worthy of my 3 month visitation.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and good luck to everyone.

Followers

I have found in my life that I am surrounded by "followers" and it is just a matter of what it is that they are going to follow. It usually goes into one of three areas, religion, government, or sports. Some people like the power of a bible, although they prefer not to read it, but have it spoon fed to them. Others like a flag. Flag followers fall into one of three categories....the one at the front, the one in the middle, and the one in the end. The one at the front is under the illusion that they are more than a mere puppet. The ones in the middle are trying to be under the radar. The ones at the end are barely keeping up with the march of ridiculousness. It may appear that are the stragglers, barely able to keep pace. However, it's just the opposite. They are the only smart ones because they actually get it and they have a strong enough sense of self not to simply follow the crowd.

2009 Stock Picks

I would be remiss if I didn't try to advise my readers of some sure stock picks for 2009 given Obama will be in the White House. I suggest you buy these stocks now at the ground level before you are left behind in 2009.

Here's my list..

1. Tyson Chicken - for obvious reasons
2. Find out Obama's favorite barbecue sauce - you can't have chicken without barbecue sauce.
3. Watermelon
4. Corn - for corn bread to soak up all those left over barbecue drippings.
5. Gold - chains, crosses anything that is big and gaudy

I may add to this list as I think of more things, so be sure to check back with me.

It's That Time of Year...

Yes, my good friends it's that time of year when the world falls in love isn't that how the song goes? Of course, I celebrate Christmas even though I am Jewish. I figure I can fake it just as good as a Christian. My beloved Mommy is in Florida, but the Saturday that she comes back she has to go to a cookie exchange and she is required to bring a recipe. Below is my Mommy's favorite cookie recipe...

Tracy’s Surprise Christmas Cookies

Step One
How can I avoid cooking during the holiday season.
Step Two
Remember that’s what bakeries are for…
Step Three
Preheat your car before you get in for your trip, no need to endure any more pain than necessary!
Step Four
Google directions to Wholly Cannoli.
Step Five
Keep killing time with email while waiting for your car to heat to 70°. It’s also good time to delete people from your Christmas Card Excel file because you keep track of these things.
Step Six
Now you are ready to for your trip, make sure you have preselected your driving music as you don’t want to listen another corny Christmas song during this joyous season.
Step Seven
Circle the lot and beat someone out for your prime spot , preferably an old person.
Step Eight
Enter and make your selection don’t worry you will have plenty of time to change your mind when you are constantly ignored by the staff.
Step Nine
Don’t stare at one of the owners, John, in his tight jeans and sequenced shirt this is his normal daytime attire.
Step Ten
Now you have your cookies in hand and are paying for them when you see something in the case that you can’t resist and you know you deserve it, so you buy it, no one is with you and who’s watching as you stuff it into your mouth whole as you drive to the party.

The Big Three

So, we all know that the Big Three are begging Congress for a "bail out", but I think that Congress is missing the bigger picture. The Big Three have contributed significantly to the fattening of America by making big cars. People feel petite or small if you will in a big car with big cabin room. The SUV's, trucks, and big sedans are all part of the reason America is so disgustingly fat. I can't stand it. It makes me sick to my stomach. I advise Congress to only allow the bailout if the Big Three plan on shrinking their cars, so that Americans will be forced to shrink their waist lines!

Palin and 2012

Okay, if I see one more Palin interview I think I am going to start endorsing Thanksgiving. It's ridiculous. This woman couldn't form a complete sentence or a coherent thought during the campaign. Now that she can interview on absolutely nothing she can't get enough of the spotlight. It makes me sick to my stomach. She seems to be under the impression that she will be running for the Presidency in 2012. Doesn't she realize that by 2012 the only thing that she will be running is after will be several illegitimate grandchildren?

Obama and Clintons

Obama needs to realize that the Clinton's "know people" and he should be fearful for his job. I keep hearing the rumors that Hillary will be a cabinet member. I don't know if Bill can handle it. Bill, as we found on the campaign trail, is best as a leading man. Also, if Hillary is Secretary of State, I want to know what Bill's role will be. Let's face it Hillary couldn't control him in the White House or on the campaign trail. There is the question of what her lesbian lover's role will be in the cabinet. I don't know I think Obama may be in for more than he bargains for!

The Stolen Red Lunch Box

So, my Daddy was leaving here this morning and I saw him with my Mommy's red lunch box for work. I screamed at him to drop it and he wouldn't. Instead, he turned looked at me, locked me in my house, and put me in the other room. I was going ballistic and screaming and banging my head for him to drop the lunch box. He still wouldn't. I just want everyone to know that I tried to stop him, but that there was nothing that I could do. Of course, the alarm didn't go off because he was already in the house. My Mommy wasn't home and the neighbors are useless. So, I am pleading with you my adoring fans go hunt Daddy down and get back my Mommy's lunch box. Once again, it is a red lunch box with a handle and zipper. Daddy may be armed and dangerous, don't approach Daddy without a police officer on standby. He may have hidden the lunch box under his shirt or it could be "buried" in his car or it could be on Ebay. There is no telling what Daddy has done with my Mommy's lunch box. Someone has to help me get back the red lunch box.

Obama Won and I'm Scared

So, in the words of McCain, "my friends Obama won and I'm scared". I'm scared because I just realized all the things about the "black world" that I don't know, but I will now have to scramble to know in order not to be killed. I don't know Ebonics; I don't like Rap; I don't eat a "messing of anything", including Watermelon, Fried Chicken and Corn Bread; I don't have a beat up Honda Civic with the rims that spin and a tripped out speaker system; I don't have a "black wardrobe" to blend in with the others, you know what I am talking about Gold Chains, Baggy Pants (depending on what area of the country you are in), a "Warm Up Suit"; I don't have any stolen goods; no one in my family is in jail; no one I know lives in the projects; I have a job writing my blog; I don't expect other people to pay my way, i.e. welfare; I don't use drugs and I can't hook you up with someone who does or deals them; lastly, I am not grossly overweight. What am I going to do? How can I possibly master all of these black factors by January?

The Crow Vote

I will admit that I do not have ANY black friends, however, I am aware of the black crows existence. I have heard through the grapevine if you will that the black crows plan to show up at the polls in record numbers to support Obama. We know that they can't vote, so how will they effect this election. It's very simple. I have insider knowledge if you will on their plan. They are going to primarily "white Republican voting polls" and the shit is literally going to fly. The plan is to wait until about 10 AM when there is a line of people outside waiting to vote and then simultaneously throughout the country the crows are going to launch their attack. First, some people may think "oh, how nice a flock of birds flying overhead". But then the crows are going to swoop down and begin "shitting" on people in line, particularly the women because they are more easily offended and embrassed. Next for the few who can withstand that they are going to get closer and begin plucking at their faces. Finally, if they make it in to vote when they come out they are going to find that their cars are engulfed in crow shit. The crows have been in training for this attack. They have been eating a lot of eggs and taking laxatives. In addition, they have employeed the geese as "back up" if you will. So, get out there and vote!

Bradley Effect

Okay, today is election day in case you didn't already know. I feel it is my obligation to bring up the Bradley Effect. The Bradley Effect, for those of you who do not have a clue on anything political beyond what you read in USA Today, is basically where people through polling say that they will vote one way, but that when it comes down to the election they will actually vote just the opposite. I am so sick of hearing about it and the whimps who do not want to call what it really is... "THE BLACK EFFECT". You can say that you will vote for Obama and appear all politically correct. However, no one is in the voting booth with you, so that is where "THE BLACK EFFECT" will kick in for sure.

McCain and Obama

So, the race is neck and neck that is with the votes that have already been cast. Where are my good black friends? McCain calls everyone that isn't his friend - his friend, so I don't feel the least bit like a hypocrite with my black friend comment. Look, no one I know and no one I want to know has blacks as their friends. Who does? Those people that do still cringe deep down even if they don't want to admit it. Nevertheless, I think that it is time for a black man in the White House and time to pimp out the Presidential Limousine. I am waiting for the State of the Union Address to be done in the form of a rap.

Chicken Porn and Booze

It has come to my attention that people think I am a drunk and a chicken porn lover. First of all, I hate chickens and the only fantasies I have about them is eating them. Secondly, I will admit that I love wine, but I would never regardless of my lack of soberness spit seeds at Jews. I am a Jew, I love Jews and I would never jeopardize my relationship with my Judiasm. Would you?

My New Hero....

....Imus. That's right I said it. Can you handle it? I love Imus. I listen to him in the morning when I am having my cereal with soy milk that my Mommy and I eat together. Imus says it like it is and I can relate to that. For instance, the new phrase that I have taken from him is "racism is a luxury". Another words, none of us want Obama, whom are we kidding, but what choice do we have???

The Debate

Well, my friends (a phrase, which McCain stole from me and has overused), I watched the ill fated debate last night. It was comical to see how upset McCain was. I do have some advice for McCain for the next debate. First of all, leave Joe out of it. He didn't do anything to you and don't try to put him between you and Obama. You sound like a bitter divorced old woman who uses her children for attention and as leverage against her ex-husband. Secondly, take a Tums or a Zantac before the next debate. The indigestion on national television is hardly becoming. Thirdly, take a Nitroglycerin before the next debate. At points I thought that you were going to have a heart attack with your anger. Fourth, take a Xanax, I'm sure you can find one and other goodies like that in your wife's purse. It might make you seem a little less than the old, stubborn hot head we all know deep down that you are. Finally, I am observing how angry and downright mad you get at Obama and at losing this election and it makes me wonder how are you going to be in negogiating with foreign leaders when you don't get your way. You are like a little kid having a temper tantrum and then apologizing after the fact. It's growing old much like you. Oh, one more thing the public financing for your campaign. I think you need to mention how you almost lost your bid for the race entirely when you totally mismanaged and overspent your funds before New Hampshire. To sum it up, "Congratulations, John, you just lost an election to a black man".

Who in the Hell is Joe?

Joe-Six-Pack
Joe, the Plumber
Joe the Small Business Owner
Say it Ain't so Joe
and my personal favorite McCain proclaiming, "Congratulations, Joe you are rich!"

I want to meet this so called person named Joe. Does he live on Main Street or Wall Street? Why do his needs keep coming up in this campaign? My theory is that the people named Joe have formed a lobby group and are trying to convince the candidates to meet their needs. My God can one of these candidates stop using Joe to further their ideology. It's sickening. All the Maui's of the World need to unite and put an end to this Joe Lobbying Group. Our voice needs to be heard.

Drugs and God

Why is it that after a person has used drugs or committeed a crime he or she finds God? I know many of you are wondering that too. We all have the pothead cousin or worse and wonder when their addiciton will cease. No need to wonder anymore. I am going to give you a timeline that you can go by in order to help you. First, the drug use starts in their teens or early twenties. Next they fail at college or do not even go - what a surprise, I know. Next, they are in their 30's and still losers. But right around 40 something starts to change. The booze and drugs have begun to take a toil and they are overweight and look like hell. In addition the people whom they did their drugs with have either died from an overdose or got married in their 30's and cleaned up their act. So, the friends to get high with are now gone and they are left with their drugs and their cat. It is at this time that God Almighty steps in to assist. Now, they need a new social outlet and they begin finding Jesus. Rather quickly Jesus begins to replace the drug addiciton. They are getting high with God now, instead of their loser friends. What's even better they want you to join them! DO NOT join them - going to church and worshipping an imaginary friend can never lead to anything productive. Instead of making a change that actually requires effort - like going to school, getting a job, losing weight or setting a fitness goal, they are still looking for a "quick fix". Finding God is not genuine not to mention religion and it's crazy rituals is absolutely absurd. Now, you have a timeline to put on your fridge with someone's name and picture next to it. Of course, there are those addicts who switch it up in their 40's and realize prescription drugs are the way to go. These sicko's may also find God, but they feel that they have kicked their habit because they are now under a "doctor's care".

My Friends

My friends, I'm putting it out there that I want Senator McCain to have a full mental evaluation. I question several things. First I feel that he is displaying the early signs of Alzheimer's Disease by some of his responses in his last debate with Obama. At one point he said that Social Security is an "easy thing to fix". If it is so easy, then why in his 26 years as Senator has he failed to propose one bill to "fix it". I think that he forgot that he was a Senator when he made that comment. Then he went into his feelings on Iraq and how he's not going to lose this war. This statement brings up his several mental health issues - first his anger management issues, second his failure to grasp reality, third his memory and finally, his hostility and possible flashbacks. Senator McCain gives me the impression that he is talking in a low voice like someone does when they are beyond the point of angry and that he will snap any second when he addressed the audience. But that aside, how can he be that out of touch with Americans? We have not won a war since the World Wars or has McCain forgotten that in his quest to emulate Teddy Roosevelt. Third, his fascination with trying to avenge Vietnam has to stop. This prisoner of war business has really gone to his head. Therefore, I implore Senator McCain to seek help and check himself into the nearest mental hospital. As an added bonus, it will give him yet another reason to suspend his campaign as he keeps trying to do.

Daddy Likes Old People

What in God's name is wrong with my Daddy that he would take my Mommy to an old people luncheon with old lady entertainment? I'm not talking about an old lady stripper - luckily. No, worse an old lady who thinks that she is funny with her stories. Luckily, my Mommy had enough sense to not force me to go even though Daddy was making her go. Apparently, she went to a luncheon at a country club, where they had an old lady comedian who told stories. I know - why Daddy thought this event would be a good time is beyond me, perhaps, he was drunk at the time he said that they would go. I don't know. When you tell a funny story, here are some guidelines to follow:
1. Make it short - no need to go on and on - you lose your audience
2. Make it have a point - if I need to explain this one we are in trouble..
3. Create it - if I hear one more Reader's Digest story someone is going to harmed.
4. Finally, if it's supposed to be funny then make it funny!
I feel bad that my Mommy wasted her afternoon and was by far the youngest person in the room by several decades.

Freedom and My Bailout

I thought the Constitution and the Bill of Rights was supposed to protect me from crazy, lunatics who want to control my life. Well, it didn't work with the Dickister or the Big Dick as I like to call him, otherwise known as our current Vice President. So, I guess I should be little surprsied to think that it would protect me from my new vet either. I was all excited yesterday to get in the Jeep, I thought we would go offroading, a favorite past time of mine, or pull up next to small little cars where I can look down and yell obscenities, but it was not to be. I ended up at the vet in my knapsack. I was stunned. Next thing I knew I was sweep up, felt up and having my private area exposed and touched. I did not appreciate this treatment by a total stranger and especially, in front of my Mommy of all people. I just thank my lucky stars that Daddy wasn't there because he would have started laughing and pointing and I just don't need that. Next thing before I could start swearing I was taken to another room where my wings where clipped and my claws trimmed. When we finally got into the Jeep, I didn't have the strength to antagonize the other drivers on the rode. I could hardly keep my eyes open. BUT now that I am home I find that my diet has been completely changed, so I am protesting and not eating it at all. Therefore, friends I am begging you to send your money to me and help me be able to eat again. I will only take cash given the economy. Help me with my bailout program.

Gosh, Darn It!

Well, I have tried to not skew my reader's viewpoints in terms of the election and held my tongue if you will. BUT I cannot take it any longer. After watching last night's debate, I became confused as to whether it was a debate or a pageant. I was waiting for her talent portion and how she hopes to achieve "world peace and work with small children". Isn't that every priest's motive for their profession? But I digress. Another thing - winking at the camera if it had not been for censors I think that she would have flashed everyone next. Perhaps, the next debate should be on HBO, so that we can really see her credentials. I have feeling that she would be very comfortable doing that. Is McCain trying to capture the Hillary vote? Well, gosh darn it I don't think it's going to work. I would like to suggest a new theme for Palin whenever she comes out on the stage "If I Only Had a Brain". In the meantime I'll be seeing Sara Palin at the hockey rink or the delivery room, where she is in her element.

Education

If I hear one more time someone say, "he is smarter than me because he has an advanced degree", I'm going to puke and then punch them. Ninety percent of people are not smarter than you. They either have had more opportunity or motivation than you. I can not stand when people use the past as an excuse to the present. "I would have been great...if" If what? If you had risen to the challenge??? Stop blaming your parents for why you smoke, drink and use pot or God knows what else! I don't want to hear it - at some point you have to step up to the plate and accept responsibility. It's okay if you don't want to do that, but don't blame someone else for why you are a loser.

The Problem with Women

The problem with women is that they do not think like a man. What man would have been running for Vice President and saying "I'm a hockey dad" as a qualification? No one. Women take their domestic achievements, such as being fertile and able to get up early and freeze your butt off at a hockey rink as a resume builder. And who in their right mind brings their family into the picture knowing that their are several issues??? Problems at home start at the dinner table, usually by not having dinner together.

Womens' problem is that they do not know how to remove all emotion from a situation and if anything try to use to it whether it's sexual or tugging at your heart strings to advance their career, which is why women are presumed not to be good at math and science - subjects where you cannot involve emotions. Once you take out the emotional factor most women crumble because they have to stand on their true credentials alone.

What's the World Coming To???

Well, by now I am sure that you have all heard about Tom Brady. I mean cut down right in the prime of his modeling career and commerical endorsements. I am losing sleep over it. And there is the presidential race...McCain with a whore and Obama with an old man. Can someone tell me why??

Ilegitimate Children and Republicans...What Else is Knew?

So, I am sure that you have all heard about McCain's Vice President, Sara Palin. She seems like a lovely woman - at least I thought so. It has now come out that her 17 year old daughter is 5 months pregnant, but she's going to marry the lucky Dad. When - I ask you? It's been 5 months - plenty of time to make arrangements or to have tied the knot. My question is what did the other candidates for Vice President have for skeletons in their closet - perhaps, the illegitimate children were even closer to home for the others. I want to know and I as a citizen of this country have every right to know!

Back to Prison

Well, my friends, I regret to inform you that I was sent back to the Chicopee State Prison for a brief stay over this past holiday weekend. First off my Daddy kidnapped in my Mommy's Jeep and drove me across county lines to the prison where I was greeted by the two familiar guards who proceeded to bend down and stare at me in my cell. It was very traumatic as you can imagine. Then finally my Mommy arrived and I thought I was safe only to have her and Daddy leave me for the entire long weekend. The guards daughter came to see me and insisted on being "my friend". I did not take to kindly to that and gave her a bite to defend myself only to have it met with retailation. I was thrown off into the cookie batter that was being made while the oven door was open the message was less than subtle. Now, I have cookie batter on my wing, but at least I have evidence of the brutality inflicted upon me. I am going to take pictures and call one of those personal injury attorneys today. The daughter is going to pay for this little incident! I am thankfully back home and I am not letting my Mommy leave my sight for a moment. I keeping tabs on her.

Julia Child and President Bush

So, it has come to my attention that Julia Child is a spy for the U.S. I am not suprised and neither would you be if you attempted any of her recipes. However, it still does not explain why she or should I say he had a sex change operation. What woman in 1940 was 6 foot 2? I will tell you A MAN.

I am starting to distrust all government now and am wondering what other lies we have been fed. For instance is President Bush really the President? I am hoping to find out that he's not really our President, it certainly would explain a lot.

Religion, Patriotism and Sports

Guess what all three of these things have in common? They have the uncanny ability to put people in a trance like state. If you have ever watched someone in a church or watching "a game", their eyes are somewhat glossed over and their face motionless. In addition patriotism like religion will bring people to their knees and bring out the reasoning "of because that's what the church or the government says and whom are we to question it". You have to be afraid of those people. How do these three bodies convert people and capture their head? Simply, they strike when you are a child and are to afraid and ill equipped to know any better.

John Edwards, My Hero

Not since President Bill Clinton and the Monica Lewinsky news have I been so moved by a politician. The man is a genius. The ability to lie and look a reporter right in the eye and say "now, come on sugar, you've known me a long time....". I am surprised he didn't scold her right there in front of everyone followed with I have to teach you a lesson. He's a brave man that John Edwards. I don't think we have seen his type of character and sheer arrogrance since the Kennedy years. It melts my heart. It is American politics at their finest.

Bob Costas and the Chinese

I would like to know why Bob Costas refuses to represent the U.S. in the Olympics in terms of standing up to the Chinese and their ten year old gymnists that they try to pass off as 16. I have come up with several theories as to why...

1. He's too busy finding hair dye or shoe polish in China to redye his hair.
2. He's too busy admiring the opening ceremonies.
3. He's too busy interviewing President Bush and acting like his friend.

It could be any of these reasons or a combination. I beg you, Bob, please get a hairdresser and read a little about the Chinese to make your commentary somewhat interesting and informative. We all know that this is the greatest time in their lives and the pressure they are under. Do you seriously get paid for this type of broadcasting? Next I plan on sending a petition to NBC to ban Bob Costas from future sporting events.

Why I Hate the Olympics

I am so sick and tired of the Olympics. I know it only happens once every 4 years, but I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the last one. All the foolishness and wasted time by the participants and fans. Last time I was suckered in by the ads and I thought okay I should watch this nonsense kind of like why I started to watch Oprah, but I found that it only ruined all good television. Every time I tried to watch a contact sport I saw synchronized swimming or some whimpy past time. It was not even worth opening a beer to watch it. I had called my friends over, had the beers on ice and the chips open - you know first class entertainment - we wanted to watch two big black men pound the living shit out of each other without white policemen to break it up. But what did we see but some foreigners holding hands in a pool with their speedos on, which is so much more than I needed to see.

This year the games have begun and the Americans are practically boarding the next plane home already. Is it the Germans you ask who are winning or the Israeli's - no, it's the Chinese. Tell me it's not fixed.

Vice Presidential Candidates

I know that everyone is anxiously awaiting Obama's and Johnny boy's announcements of their running mates. My prediction for Obama are either Bill Clinton or Oprah Winfrey than he gets his Hillary people and with Oprah he secures the idiots of the country, particularly the housewives of America who are overweight and are in need of a friend. Let's see Johnny I think Johnny will have to stay away from the entire Republican party that he represents. Therefore, I think he may appoint Ralph Nader to secure the liberals and sway them from Obama.

Bye-Bye Manny

Manny is history and so is his immature look at me "I'm black" behavior. My theory is that he is on drugs of some sort, whether it be steriods or cocaine. God knows he would have access to all given his baseball and ethnic ties. So, bye-bye Manny we'll be seeing you in jail soon I'm sure.

Water on Mars

So, in case you are not on NASA's website allow me to inform you of their latest published discovery. They have found water on Mars. Now, I ask you does this mean that we can travel to Mars. I say why not. Why would I want to go to Italy or Poland when I could go to Mars? Therefore, if any of you would like to travel with me I welcome you.

Larry King and Love

Oh, my dear friends I regret to inform you of a rumor that my beloved Larry King maybe facing yet another divorce. Why can't Larry find true, lasting love I ask you? I mean who would have thought that by marrying someone nearly half your age it could not work out or that she would need to be in pain pill induced trance to be with him. What a shocker? I am just stunned beyond belief. Perhaps, Larry will find a nice Jewish girl at my temple or at his local senior center. I am determined to help Larry find love. Ladies if you could send me your pictures and profiles I will forward them to Larry. Please, no nudity with his famous suspenders.

Iraq

Well, my friends I think it's time that I take the mystery out of war for all of you simple minded readers. Let's discuss what war is not about. It's not about those who are suffering and ending it, if anything, it promotes suffering and the destruction it creates takes generations to recover. It's not about helping those in need, if anything, it's realizing an opportunity and seizing it. It's not about removing leaders for the good of the people, if anything it's about placing our on leaders in a territory who will do what we want.

War is never about humanity, although that is how it is marketed to you the good patriotic American people.

War is about MONEY. Money comes in the form of territory, oil, and power.

M & M

M & M, you may be asking yourselves - what does that stand for in this world full of acronyms? McCain and Melanoma. That's right he went in for another biopsy my friends. Obama doesn't visit the troops and this shortcoming is big news. McCain, however, has diverticulitis, Melanoma and a temper and these conditions are laughed off by McCain and the media. I was watching my favorite program last night, Larry King Live. He had on McCain. I found myself agreeing with most of his policies, however, there is something that I find very "old Washington" about him. I am so disgusted by American politics right now. I find that I don't much care for either candidate. Perhaps, we should look to our ancestors for the answer. As we all know the slavery system created wealth, maybe that is our only hope for decreasing the national debt. I just don't know. I stand awake at night going over and over it in my mind and thinking what can I do to get this country back on track. I am contemplating learning Mandarian and moving to China - I want get in on the ground floor of the next super power.

My Cozy and the Mexicans

Some of you may know on the nights when I don't sleep with my Mommy. I sleep in my cage, which my Mommy calls my house. Most people don't refer to their house as a place with bars other than prisoners, but I digress. In my cage I have delightful sleeping arrangements - first of all, I sleep standing up - I highly suggest that you try and it see how rested you feel. That being said I sleep standing up surrounded by my "cozy", which covers my body in a warm velvet lining. I have had this cozy since I was a baby and today my Mommy had the nerve to put a new cozy in my cage next to my old one. Although it is not torn like mine and looks softer, I refuse to be a part of it. In addition to that she hung a pinata on my jungle gym right next to my "house". Can you believe it? Allowing Mexicans, whose water I won't drink when I am there, to live right next to me and forcing me to try a new cozy. Well, I let my Mommy know that these living conditions are far from acceptable. I took all my food and threw it while she looked on in sheer horror. At points so much food flew, I had to close my eyes in order not injure them. We'll see whose having the last laugh tomorrow, when my Mommy wakes up with just the pinata's head in her bead and a purple cozy next to it.

I Never Thought that I Would Say It....

....but Jesse Jackson is my newfound hero! Here's why "I want to cut his nuts off ... Barack ... he's talking down to black people." Although I do not agree with the reason as to why he wants to cut "his nuts off", I do agree with the result. In fact I may know people who can help Jesse Jackson's cause. Better yet, those of my readers who would like to show their support of Jesse Jackson can contribute via my blog to the "Cut His Nuts Off Fund" and let's join together in this important cause.

Tim Russet Re-Visited

A good friend of mine whom shall remain unnamed has brought it to my attention that my blog is the "only negative thing on record in regards to Tim Russet". I say so be it. Just because I will not be pressured by society and can not be bought like the newscasters have been does not make my comments any less poignant. If anything, my comments are the unbiased, unemotional, unweepy, unsappy crap that we have been hearing lately. I do not care how good a journalist and nice guy and good dad he was, he missed the most important investment there was to make - life. He became disgustingly fat and what was he thinking? I mean especially a reporter he should know all the facts of being a fatty and what that will do to you. I am surprised he wasn't a smoker too. So, for all of you who are mildy, moderately or strongly offended by my take on Tim Russet I suggest that you take a good look in the mirror

Daddy's a Catholic, Mommy's an Atheist and I'm Scared!

As you all know I am a German Jew and proud of it. However, my Daddy is a Catholic and my Mommy is an Atheist. I am not sure whom I should fear if any. My instinct tells me to fear the Catholic because they are beyond reason and perform rituals without knowing the reason behind it or choose to ignore it. I am afraid of ignorance and you should be too. I am also afraid of rituals for the sake of rituals and not understanding the relevance if any they have to modern day life. The only good thing about my Daddy is he is not an old Catholic - for they are the worse. A unique mix of stubborn, ignorance, with a subtle fear of dying and arrogrance. It is a lethal combination if you ask me. Once anyone begins to use religion to fuel their own agenda the outcome is never good. Few things move people as much as religion I think a close second are the Kennedy's in this state and in general "Patriotism". I guess my point is - whenever someone is "waving" something in my face whether it be the bible or the American flag as to why I should think or act a certain way I know I am dealing with a true idiot and I try to steer clear. If you can't tell me intelligently why to do something and not because of a fear of hell or because God or the President thinks I should, then you have my respect.

Jury Duty

So, my Mommy is finally done with her jury duty. Can you believe it? Someone thought my Mommy would be impartial - clearly, they don't live with her! That being said when she would come home and tell me that she couldn't discuss the case I would tell her just tell me he's not Jewish. She wouldn't tell me, which of course infuriated me. However, given what she has told me now on the case and what I have read on the internet from the Civil Service Commission in Boston I feel confident that she made the right decision. I am posting a link regarding the information that I found on the internet.
http://www.mass.gov/csc/csc_cases/harr.pdf

My Mommy made the front page of the Telegram! She also made the Globe too.
http://www.telegram.com/article/20080619/NEWS/806190746/1116

Here's the Globe link.
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2008/06/19/jury_rules_in_favor_of_fired_police_chief/

Tim Russet Cry Me a River

So, guess what happens to people when they get fat, besides ugly, they create a cardiac nightmare. That's right I said it fat people are a walking time bomb. Tim Russet proved that despite being an arrogrant jerk that won't kill you, but being a fatty will. As a bird, I diligently watch every morsel that I delicately place in my mouth. I don't just eat and eat and eat until I burst. And don't forget I exercise. I take ballet and tap and I get funky with my Barry Manilow. So, to all of you who are "smush, smush and crying a river" over Tim Russet - take a look in the mirror and make sure you are not heading down that same road. Although I highly doubt, any of you will be asked to be the next host of Meet the Press.

Nafta and the Pinata

Hello, my friends as some of you know my position on Nafta. However, no one can appreciate it more than my Mommy. She knows how it angers me and makes me fume. So, my Mommy ever mindful of my volatile temper bought me an item to take out my frustration on and express my feelings about Nafta. That's right you probably have guessed it by now - a Pinata. I bang it with all my might and rip it apart with my beak. At times I fling it and wrestle with it. Although it depletes my energy, it does not negate my feelings towards Nafta.

My List of Grievances Against Daddy

First off let me just state that I love my Daddy. That being established - he has a way ruffling my feathers if you will.

To begin with he walks in after being an absentee father all week and announces in the most annoying voice possible, "It's Daddy!". Oh, is it? Does that mean that I am suddenly to stop what I am doing and drop everything because it's Daddy? A father who doesn't even call me during the week. I think not.

Then he knows I do not care to have my feet touched. What does he do, but touch my feet. I hate it, so I gently withdraw my foot from his grasp and then he grabs the other one. At that point I am left with no choice, but to bite him, which then usually leads to the first fight of the weekend. Daddy then calls me "you little fucker" and flings me to the floor.

After that depending on the severity of the fight, I may or may not talk to him for the rest of the weekend. Next Daddy will take one of my hanging toys and bang it against my cage to make the bell ring - again knowing that infuriates me. I will then beeline down my cage and lunge at Daddy. If this happens, this usually leads Daddy to state "I'm done with you".

Then before you know it's Monday morning and I am waving Daddy goodbye and am back to just me and Mommy, which is what I prefer the most. I say to myself as he pulls away, "until we meet again next weekend, Daddy-o".

Oprah's Thighs

I was recently flipping through the channels when I came across Oprah. Since my mind needed a rest, I thought I would watch her mindless show. I could not believe the size of her calves. They are bigger than my Mommy's thighs, which led me to wonder how big are her thighs. Does anyone really know? Perhaps, we should ask Stedman. Oh, never mind he would be the least likely person to know. What about her best friend, that's what they are calling it these days, Gail? I think she would know. I think I will write her a letter that will go something like this..."My dearest Gail, can quantify the approximate size of your lady friend, Oprah's, thighs? I am not asking for it to be exact, but if you could put into some kind of perspective that would be great. Sincerely, Mr. Feldman" What do you think? I hope she will answer.

Ted Kennedy's Brain Transplant

Now it is my understanding that Senator Kennedy had brain surgery this past week. Hmmmm...I was asking my Mommy if he had a brain transplant. She denies it, but I am not so sure. I wonder if he will still be reaching for the bottle after this surgery or if they removed that part of his brain. Also, I think the entire Kennedy clan should so moral support for their beloved "Teddy" and have a part of their brain removed as well. Not only will it be a show of solitude, but it will likely improve their behavior.

Shame on Hillary

That's right I said it - shame, shame on Hillary. Dropping out of the race and succumbing to the pressure by the Democratic party. I thought Hillary had more balls of steel than that. And then what in God's name is the Democratic party thinking - a black man and for president no less. Who are they kidding other than themselves? Why don't we just speed up the process and forgot the November elections that Diebold will have to fix and call it McCain now? It's going to go that way now we all know it will. You Toyota Prius driving hippies can act like you are comfortable with a black man for president, but you know when it comes to election day - you'll be voting for McCain!

My Weekend and the Trial Separation

Just thought I would let everyone apparently I will be spending the next few days in Grafton with my Mommy's parents. I told her that I wanted a trial separation. Just between you and me she's driving me nuts. I want a good night's sleep and it will be fun to torment that little dog, Truffles. I love hissing and snapping at her - she's so clueless. I am in no mood lately for Mommy as I am molting and that makes me angrier than usual. Plus, when I am there I am spoiled. I eat dinner and breakfast with them. At night I get to watch the telly and they have HBO, so what I am really giving up by being there? NOTHING but Mommy!

Mothballs Make Me Gag

Why is that old people feel the need to preserve things? Everything that is except their minds and bodies as they let themselves go and feel "they deserve it". I digress. Nevertheless, I am absolutely stunned at the use of mothballs. I mean my God who wears wool anymore. Secondly, the odor makes me wretch. Just the other day when my Daddy came in I was lunging toward him to unleash my anger on him. But when I went to do it his coat had been drenched in mothballs. I thought it was a new type of tear gas. It made my eyes water and I started coughing. But then I had a flashback to my time in Chicopee State Prison and it is true that odors can bring back memories. I knew where he had been. He probably had been talking to the guards about having me readmitted.

Cops..Not Police Officers!

That's right I said it cops. I refuse to call them police officers. Yesterday, my Mommy was on her way to work in her rental Kia when she was pulled over by an undesirable - yes, a cop. She was driving down West Bolyston Street where I have many friends who nest at the Worcester Country Club. She saw the cop with his back to her writing someone else a ticket and began to slow down. He turned and walked back to his motorcycle, apparently he's not high up enough to actually get 4 wheels. Then he went into the road and she was coming nearly to a stop and he waved her on and then over. He told her that she was doing 42 in a 30. Now, I ask you how did come to this conclusion? His gun unless was down - unless, he has radar out of his asshole and she was nearly stopped. He wrote her a warning and it said that she was going 43 - apparently, it jumped from 42 when he pulled her over - in a 30. The best part was he told her, "just slow down, hon". HON!!!!!!!!! When she came home and told me that story, I was enraged. I am now having my friends at the Worcester Country Club "patrol" that street and that cop is going to wish he was in a car!

My Mommy

Very few of you are as intimate as I am with my Mommy. I sleep with her every night and she is so much more than a Mommy to me. So, I think it's only fair that I comment on my Mommy. I think that my Mommy is sad. She looks okay, but there is just something about her and I can't put my finger on it. She still goes to the gym, but lately she talks of how she dreads the long run. I would go with her, but I could be eaten by a cat and what if I came across an undesirable and had to attack them. She put her Jeep for sale, but there are no bites on it, but that is okay because other than going to Chicopee how much gas does she really use? She also listed her condo for rent. I think she will rent it in the fall. I even heard Daddy talking her out of getting rid of me too. I think that my Mommy is desperate for a change and in her defense I think that she feels that she is single and why not. I know that deep down she wants to get married and have a family for me to despise, but she's not getting any younger and she needs to take some action. I can understand that, but I still think that she is sad. She doesn't sleep through the night and it just seems that she is having a hard time getting herself up and flying.

Another Kennedy Struck Down in His Prime

I am sure at this point you have all heard the tragic news about our beloved Ted Kennedy. Yet another of the Kennedy's to experience the "Kennedy Curse" as Ted put it in his speech about why he let a young girl drown at the Cape. Oh, the tears it brings to my eyes. Does anyone have a kleenex or a plunger for me to make my way through this latest "crap storm"?

My god (uncapitalized on purpose, not by accident as some of you worshipping fools will think) get a grip! The man is 76; he's literally pickled his brain; cheated at Harvard on a Spanish Test - even the Spanish population think that that one is really low; drowned a former, possibly pregnant lover, at the Cape while he ate eggs and sausage; married a drunk because guess what so is he; had ugly children (what Kennedy didn't other than John, but that was because of Jackie diluting the Irish);let us not forget the rape that he was present for with his nephew, the good doctor; and attempted and failed a run at President. Yes, the country has suffered a great loss! He was the "Fredo" of the Kennedy family and only maintained his Senate seat because of his dead brothers.

I will give you that he accomplished more in his time in office than his brothers, but he had the time to do it. No one wanted him dead - why would they? He's the idiot drunk of the family that everyone at the holidays has to tell their children not to pay attention to and the woman have to jerk back from in order not to be felt up or smooched.

The only good news is - he endorsed Obama!

The Genius of Ike Turner

As you all know I love my "rock and roll" music. I think that I have the largest collection of Barry Manilow and Barbra Streisand albums of any bird that I know. That being established I would like to comment on the sheer brilliance of Ike Turner. I mean how many black men do you know that beat their wives, cheat on them, have illegitimate children and finally, are found in a seedy hotel room with their pants around their ankles, drugs on the table, a needle in their arm and the leave behinds of a local prostitute? Exactly, my point - Ike was a unique individual who like many in the hard living world of rock and roll died too young. To Ike and all the black men like him - you have my unwaivering admiration.

The Good People of Indiana and the Idiots in North Carolina

Honestly, what is wrong with Southerners. Is it the heat? Has it cooked their brains? Or is it the lack upbringing or education? Or are they just plain stupid?

My good friends in North Carolina - you voted for Obama and then apparently you gun rack bearing Confederate flag waving idiots loved his speech that sounded contrived and a little too patriotic. My God, what is wrong with you people? You are supposed to own these kind of people not vote for them. What has happened to you? I can't understand it.

Now the people of Indiana at least you have common sense and can distinguish a good politician from a good speech. Thank God for you!

I am telling all Americans now that when Obama pimps up the White House and the Secret Service are wearing big gold chains I don't want to hear your whining or crying. It will be too late!

Wright is Wrong and I'm Confused

Hello, my good friends are you as confused as I am about Obama and his pastor? Let me get this straight a month ago Obama supported Wright's comments in regards to race and "goddamn America". Now that the Catholics have come through in Pennsylvania he is not leading in the polls he denounces Wright. HMMMMM!!!!!! Can we say arrogance until we're not getting our way? I am urging Hillary to pay to have Wright put on television for a half hour program so America can fully comprehend whom Obama worships. I think it would be eye opening. I am just waiting for Obama to ditch the campaign bus and have everyone pile into his white pimped out Pontiac. You know that he owns one or at least a close friend, relative or fellow parishioner has one in their garage or up on blocks in their front yard.

Passover and the Many Thank You's

I just want to say that today is the last day of Passover and none of you worthless souls so much as sent me a card for this religious holiday. Don't think I have not added your name to a growing list that I would not want to be on. All I can say is thanks!

Catholics Aren't All Bad

That's right I said it - Catholics can be counted on for a few things. One of which is that they are prejudice. In fact I want to thank the consistent Catholics of Pennsylvania for not voting for Obama. Some others doubted you, but I knew when push came to shove your Christian values would set in and you would do the right thing.

Losers

I am surrounded by losers. I cannot take it anymore. Either they are losers because their personal lives are in shambles by their incessant partying or lack of dating only one person or their career is pathetic because they have never set a goal. It does not matter the peripheral reason as to why they are a loser. It still comes down to a few things - they lack motivation and drive. PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama Says I'm Bitter....

He's right - I am bitter, but not for the reasons he thinks that I am. I am bitter and add outraged to think that I still have to worry about a black man being in the "white house". That's right it's called the white house for a reason. I am sorry that Rosa Parks had to ride the bus, but ultimately there's a reason she was on the bus. I see no need to have all of America ride the bus.

Humans and Why They Disgust Me

Hello all my human friends - I just want you to be aware of how much I loathe all of you. You get hung up on death, on mourning, on your perceived slights and injuries. We, as birds, certainly not as Jews, have learned how to accept things and move on. You will never hear me saying "I can't fly over that building". I look at the building and think "okay, I'm just going to have to flap a little harder and faster". I don't think "oh, my imaginary God, I can't do it". Or better yet start praying. I take it on alone. I have strength and willpower. I am determined. Why can't humans look at things in these black and white terms?

Mr. Feldman's Attack

Hello, my dear friends I wanted to update you as to my progress and adjustment to being back home. At first when I saw Daddy I was excited and could not get enough of him. Now the mere sight of him turns my stomach and enrages me beyond comprehension. Yesterday morning while he lay snoring I began my attack. I descended to the floor - I had to let myself fall to the floor because my wings have been clipped by those Jew hating bastards where I spent the month of February. I landed on some pillows near the side of the bed and began climbing them to reach him while he slept and unleash my havoc on his face. However, my attentive Mommy swooped me up off the floor, as if I had accidentially landed there, and put me back in my cage. I was then locked in - apparently, she could see the writing on the wall when she left. I now request that Daddy refer to me as Mr. Feldman until further notice.

Ex-Lovers and Why They Can't Move On

Friends, why is it when someone stops dating someone they fail to let go. They do anything for attention - including, but not limited to little practical jokes that they are moving in the hopes of getting a reaction and testing the waters. Why are men so dumb as to fall into these traps? I don't understand it and nor will I ever understand it. I think it's because deep down neither party as it takes two to carry forth this ridiculousness wants to relinquish contact. It's rather pathetic and tragically human. I, on the other hand, am willing to throw caution to the wind and move along in life. Why can't humans be free to fly like me?

Where's my Mommy???

It's not that I don't love my stay here in the backwoods of Grafton, but enough is enough. I can't keep these people entertained any longer and it is all I can do not to unleash my fury on their little dog, Truffles. I have to watch television with Grampy every night and he doesn't even watch any of my programs. Is Larry King still alive? Then I have to let Grammy pet me. I am not a feather duster. At least I do have my own room and a window with a view. I need a television though in my room. I am giving Mommy this weekend to come and get me and if she doesn't it's going to be her loss!

Easter and Why I Wish I Were the Ham

So, my Mommy had Daddy's family over for Easter. Supposedly, it was the day that I was scheduled to come home, but of course I couldn't because of them. Luckily, Frankie was able to report back to me all the horrid details. Apparently, they had the Chicopee guards and as an added bonus one of Daddy's sisters, her loud boyfriend and her boyfriend's son, the magician. She brought Mommy a bag of vegetables. Let me emphasize again "a bag of vegetables from a local farm". Exactly, what farmstands are open at this time of the year? But I digress, my grandparents (my Mommy's parents) came for dessert. I just love them. The magician performed some tricks. Frankie said that they were good, but he is easily mystified. Then the final topper came when Daddy's sister said that she brought her tupperware for leftovers. Not that my Mommy was going to eat them anyway, but I nearly fell off my perch when Frankie reported back that detail. It doesn't matter anyway as I sat home alone on a holiday that I don't celebrate.

Chris Rock is an Honorary Jew

I LOVE CHRIS ROCK!!! That's right I said. I love a black man and I'm not ashamed of it. Chris Rock tells it like it is. He even distinguishes himself from the "others", unlike Obama who calls it America. I am asking for contributions to the Chris Rock fund. I want to be able to take my Mommy and Daddy - if their are enough funds for him - to a Chris Rock show to enlighten them as I have been.

Obama, Jesus and Oprah

I hate them all! Has anyone watched the news recently? Obama is standing behind or in front of his minister with the press. How absurd? Of course, Oprah has endorsed Obama as she does everything else with little research behind her support. She's an idiot with money - the only thing that separates her from the rest is the money. It is shameful that Obama is able to talk his way around experience and education. It is also highly disturbing that he is so mesmorized by his preacher, however, it may be good as it may bring about his demise in this race.

Easter

Well, Easter and Passover are upon us once again this year. Although I denounce Easter, my Mommy is hosting Daddy's family for it. I will try not to lash out at them and ridicule them at the table. I will wait until they are gone and just take notes while they are there. It should be very interesting to see how everyone behaves. I already know how I will behave. I find Easter to be the most insulting holiday of them all. Beyond the fact that I am Jewish, I am a bird and the idea of a rabbit laying an egg is disgusting to me. I can't fathom how people first of all buy into the religion aspect of the holiday and secondly, a rabbit laying an egg?!

Obama - O Just Shoot Me

Are you Americans really as dumb as you look? I used to vehmently argue no, now, however, I am not so sure. Don't you see that if you have Obama for the Democratic nominee - it is nearly certain McCain will be president? With Obama as the new "black hope" you are voting for corporate America. Next you will have the Pope run for President. What are you thinking?

Mommy and Daddy

Hello, my good friends it has been so long since I have been able to write to all of you. Well, I made it out of that hell hole - much to my own determination. The worst of it was that I had my bags packed, had respectively told the other inmates to kiss it, flipped off the guards and was at the door waiting for my Mommy when the call came. She couldn't come and get me because Eddie had died that morning. What did him being dead have to do with picking me up? Talk about having to eat crow. I had to stay there another 2 days before she finally came to take me and in the meantime the living conditions got worse. They turned the heat off! They were trying to freeze me out, but I held fast and stayed in my cozy to keep warm.

I got home only to find that Daddy insisted on antagonizing me. Naturally, I lashed out. Guess where that got me? Grammy and Grampy's! I am very happy here though. I watch television with Grampy and we all have breakfast and dinner together. Other than my plotting to get rid of their little dog, Truffles, life here is relatively good. I will write to you more when I have the chance. In the meantime if any of you could post on my blog how to poison a dog and make it look an accident I would greatly appreciate it.

Bella the Cockatoo

The betrayals just keep getting worse. Here I am in prison with my wings cut off and my Mommy has joined a gym with a cockatoo named Bella. She works out and plays with Bella. She feeds her, talks to her, pets her and plays with her under the guise of working out. Not to mention that I haven't heard from Daddy at all. The message from Mommy and Daddy is becoming very clear and I cannot wait to get out of here. I am going to wreak such havoc on my parents. My plan is to be good when I first get home and then I will implement my plan. First, when they put me on their finger the shit will fly literally. Next, when I am in my cage I will take my food and whip it around the room. Finally, as a last means of annoyance I will scream when they are on the phone, talking to each other, walk in and out of the room, and most importantly when Daddy attempts to sleep. Please send in any suggestions to punish my Mommy and Daddy in the comment field.

Mommy and the Seagulls

I have just received word that my Mommy is making friends with my arch enemy the seagulls. My privated investigators, the peloquins, have reported that they have spotted her on the beach feeding those bottom dwellers. Supposedly, she had a whole flock following her down the beach. I don't know if I believe that because that betrayal would be so hurtful and spiteful to me. I have asked the peloquins to provide pictures before I make any final judgements against her.

Bird Tricks

I encourage each and everyone of you to visit www.birdtricks.com and egg them via email. These two gay brothers are insane. My Mommy and Daddy watched one of their dvd's on how they could learn new tricks to do with me, which was all fine and dandy. However, one of the gay brothers is clinically insane. He keeps sending my Mommy dirty birdy emails and demanding of her to purchase more of his products. I mean my God sir get a grip if you know what I mean.

Obama and the Kennedy's

Honestly, wasn't it enough for the Kennedys to associate with Martin Luther King and the whole civil rights movement? Now they have to support Obama. If I were him, I would be careful of his so called friends. We all know where that got King.

Whom I Blame

My guards are eating their dinner, so I have a minute. I am slowly remembering the finer details of my intervention. I was put in Daddy's car and he was driving! I never would have thought that my own Daddy would inflict this torture on me. If and when I ever go back home to my Mommy, I am going to go crazy if Daddy even dares approach me like a rabid wild animal. I will never trust that man I call Daddy again!

Where Am I

Hello, everyone I am writing to you while my guards are preoccupied. I will try to write as fast as I can. Last Friday in the middle of the night I was transported with all of my belongings to an undisclosed location deep in the woods. Upon my arrival I was whisked inside where I was then poked, proded and stared at by 2 guards and other inmates. I have read about this happening, but I never thought it would happen to me. I'm in REHAB, I hope. What else could it be? I am in the woods far from all temptations. I haven't had a glass of wine in 3 days. They are trying to strip away my sheer identity. They chased me around and finally caught me and cut off my wings. I can still see them there, but they will not work for me. I cannot fly any longer. I attend "group" in the morning with the other inmates. At first I thought I was above them (literally) because I could fly and now my guards are trying to make me become one of them. I will NEVER. They can strip me of everything, but my soul. I still refuse to cooperate with my guards. I lash out whenever possible and refuse to let them in my cell. Oh no, I think they see me on the computer. I have to go, but will write when I can.

Wine and My Cold

Hello, friends as many of you know I love my red wines from merlots to cabarnets to sangioveses, which reminds me of my days in Italy. However, I also have developed a slight problem. I drink to the point where I cannot fly. Now, I find that I have a cold and my Mommy being a know it all PharmD is telling me that cough syrups are a waste of my money. I could not agree more, so I have decided to replace Nyquil with wine. I find it helps my throat and stops my cough at night. Why bother with expensive disgusting tasting cough syrups when you can indulge in wine? In addition it helps with my disposition, which as some of you may have experienced can be harsh at times. There is no reason for my disposition as I have led nothing but a life of sheer privilege. I think it is the ridiculousness of the world that surrounds me that has caused me to adapt this tough exterior. I contemplate these things when I drink my wine and then I forget about them as any good glass should make you do. Don't you agree?

Martin Luther King Day

Can you believe it is that time of year already? My friends what is the federal government thinking? I am disturbed to think that we as Americans, me being a Jewish German American, would choose to honor a womanizing minister???? This concept seems hypocritical to me, but then I think the Kennedys are viewed as American Royalty.

I have a dream... of no more crack, whore welfare mothers living in the projects. Do you see me having a holiday named after me? NO. Of course, you don't. Although my dream could actually clean up the inner cities that the Civil Rights Movement helped to build.

What is a Legacy

Well, friends I have been giving a lot of thought to what makes up a legacy. Is it held in the amount of money that is left for heirs to inherit? Is it the in the family jewels? Is it contained in the car you had? Or in the real estate you acquired?

Clearly, the answer is no. A legacy consists of a memory. A memory is created by your interactions with others. You can create a feeling when you are with someone that makes them want to be with you or want to run away from you. The feeling that you create is what makes your legacy. You can leave all the material objects to someone, but it will not be appreciated if the feeling you created with them when you were alive was not positive.

Katie Couric and Why I Hate Her

Besides the bad hair cut and the "dilantin gums", I have several deeper reasons as to why I hate her. First off let me explain for those of you who are not medically trained like me what dilantin gums are. Dilantin is a drug used to treat epileptics and one of the side effects is the gums become bigger. Katie Couric is a perfect example of this side effect. That aside has anyone noticed how she dresses? I found a picture of her in one of those tabloids with her in the same dress as Britney Spears. One is too old for such attire and secondly, Britney wore the dress two years ago. My God woman at least wear something current if it's going to be in poor taste. Onward to her so called journalism. Are you kidding me with this evening news bit? I think she get a talk show and stop kidding herself, CBS and the American public who like to be fooled on a daily basis.

At Least the Seagulls are Good for Something!

Well, my friends - we did it! Ohbama lost in the New Hampshire Primary. I knew my well thought out plan would work. The seagulls more than anyone I know hate the thought of Ohbama in the White House. Of course, the seagulls being white would understand my plight and realize what a catastrophy Ohbama would be if this thing went any further. Did you see the cover of Time? "Our time has come" - after the Iowa victory. Although at that point I already had my plan set, I knew that there could be no room for error. The seagulls and I secretly met two nights before the primary. We purposely did not include the pigeons in the meeting because in the Bird World they are considered the "Puerto Ricans" of the species and you never know they might start to sympathize with the Ohbama supporters and especially given Iowa with only the pigeons. Our meeting involved mapping out major highways and thwarting possible voters before they made it to the polls. The seagulls loaded up on carbohydrates and fish the night before the elections. There was one bus on I-95 carrying Black Christians - the seagulls could hear them singing and see the bus rocking with their clapping and hollering - before they launched their attack. The bus was surrounded by seagulls and that is when the shit flew literally. At first they did not notice, but the driver had to stop the bus because he could not see the cars in front of him. Aaaahh, the sweet smell of victory. I am not a Hillary lover, but I will take a lesbian with a sham of a marriage if I have no other choice. Onward to the Democratic nominations - when we employ the hawks.

My New Year's Resolution and Daddy

Well, it has been a week since my New Year's Resolutions have taken effect and I am sorry to say that I have not been able to diminish the number of fights between me and Daddy into half. If anything this past weekend, the fights have been more animated and started with him merely looking at me. I will be minding my own business with my Mommy and then for some reason he decides to ask my opinion about politics or sports and I will nicely ignore him. The request will come again and it is at that point that "I lose it". I begin flying at him with my beak wide open or I graze by him or I simply outright attack him. In today's biggest fight by far not the only one I lost a tail feather in the course of my attack. I am okay with that - that is what is to be expected in times of WAR. Some people will come out stronger, others weaker and others not at all. I think much of the tension in the air revolves around the results in Iowa. I admit I am more on edge because of it. I hope with the help of the seagulls New Hampshire will go my way and I will be able to meet my New Year's Resolution. However, until then I am "wild" with anger.

My New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year to you my friends. I hope you all are making a list of your resolutions. Here are some of mine this year:

I want to terminate Duvall Patrick's governship in the next 3 months. I know it can be done. I am willing to work hard and devise a foolproof plan to get him out of office!
I want to have a bigger house. I am tired of being cramped in a small space and constantly feeling that Mommy and Daddy are watching me. I need some privacy.
I plan on teaching Mommy and Daddy some new tricks in order to keep them entertained.
I hope to have less fights with Daddy in particular. I am able to manipulate Mommy more than Daddy, therefore, we get into at least 2 fights per day, sometimes per hour. In 2008 I am looking to cut that number in half. Therefore, I am going to have let my anger build and pass on opportunities to have little squabbles, so that when I do have a fight it will be worthy of my hostility. I know that I will have to swallow my pride in order to cut down my fight number in half, but I am willing to do that to a certain degree.
Finally, I know we all say it every year, but this year I am vowing not to be near any losers and users. I know it will be hard to maintain this resolution as every day will be an uphill battle, but I know if I put my mind to it I can keep this promise to myself.

Good Luck to all of you with your New Year's Resolutions! I know that you will make me proud.