New Hampshire Primaries and My Attack

Hello dear friends - as many of you know the New Hampshire Primaries will soon be upon us. I watched on the news today how the candidates are trying to create a social atmosphere at the polls, serving refreshments and food. While that is all fine and dandy, my enemies the seagulls and pigeons are planning a ground and air attack on people possibly voting for Ohbama, Ohsama, Ohwhocares for president. The pigeons and seagulls have undergone intense military training including; spot flying drills, carbohydrate loading diets and defecating drills with precise accuracy. People who will be targeted include those voters with Ohbama bumper stickers. They will return to their cars to a lovely present left by a pigeon at their driver's side door and will also be personally targeted while entering and exiting the polls as will their cars by air from the seagulls. Now you maybe asking yourself what if there voters are in congenito and not displaying any Ohbama propaganda. Very intelligent question and those people are going to be targeted based on the following criteria:
Appearance - color of skin being obvious, generally unkept, baggie pants, sideturned baseball caps
Automobile - any custom detailing, rims being the big tip off
Jewelry - thick gold chains or pinky rings
Music - rap and blaring as the two go hand in hand
Language - besides the given "motherfucker" and "yo, nigger" every two seconds, volume in which said words are spoken, wrong verb tenses "you is" and poor grammar in general

When will these people and Ohbama realize that they call the White House that for a reason. It's not meant to serve as your crib! My God I am so outraged that Ohbama is even an issue for the New Hampshire primaries. I thought it would have been resolved by now, but I guess that is partly my fault as I did not mount earlier attacks.

Medicated Mommies

Recently, I have been noticing that there are great deals of young Mommies who I believe require immediate medication in order to force them into reality. I am finding in my travels that these Mommies meet the following criteria:

They are in their mid 30's.
They had a "hard time" getting pregnant, which in my mind means that they had a hard time finding a donor who would marry them.
They have only one child.
They are control freaks!
They are highly emotional and stupid - crying over things that have zero relevance with regards to their child.
They call the day care where "little whatever" is housed during the day, so Mommy can "have it all" numerous times throughout the day
That phone call is usually followed with one to their husband - imagine how thrilled he is!
They are heavy - never managing to lose the "baby weight" and failing to mention that they were always heavy and one has nothing to do with the other.
They have several pictures of the "little angel" at work, but none of the donor just the child alone.
They talk about what the "cute nothing thing" that the child did while at work and fail to realize that everyone is sick and tired of hearing about your child and why it is so great and why you think because it can count to five it will be the next world leader.
They never ask you how you are doing because they are obsessed with themselves, food and the child in that order.

Uh, I can't take it anymore! I wonder how these Mommies are going to function when the child ventures out in the world and has a relationship and Mommy is no longer first on the list. But then I think it probably will not be an issue because these type of Mommies have made the child into a socially inept adult.

Essay Update

Well, let me just say how disappointed I have been in the entries submitted thus far with regards to the essay. Therefore, I am changing the criteria for future submissions.

First each essay must be submitted with the following:

A picture of you and your so called family
A picture of the shack you call a palace
A picture of the car you drive, which I know is your pride and joy
Dental records including those of your "livestock"
A picture of my living quarters and the staff that will be catering to my every demand
A picture of your television - the one you have indoors
Finally, the entry fee is being increased to a nonrefundable, Bank Check of $150

Good luck to all future entrants!

Essay Requirements

As you may know my Mommy is leaving for the month of February for warmer places. I will be left up here in the cold ALONE. I am very social and therefore, can not be left to my lonesome. In order to prevent this situation I am asking you to write a 500 word essay to be submitted by midnight Eastern Standard time January 15, 2008 discussing why you think you are worthy of my company for the month.

The rules are as follows:

Proper grammar and vernacular will be weighed as heavily if not more so than content.
Must include statements with reference to the following subjects:
Religion - what yours is, why and how you practice it
Politics - who should be President and 5 reasons why
Diet - what yours consistents of and if you think that I will like it
Television - what programs do you watch
Books - list 5 books that you have read in the last 2 months and a general summary of each
Magazines - what ones do you subscribe to and why
Pets - if you have any and will they be able to withstand when I mount my attack
Films - what foreign films are your top 5 favorites and why and the last time you attended the Cannes Film Festival
Languages - that you can speak in and read other than English
Must be typed, notarized, 5 copies 2 of which must be 3 hole punched.
Those papers submitted without a cover letter will immediately be shredded upon receipt.
Each essay must be submitted with a Bank Check for $50, a portion that I deem appropriate will be allotted to my temple.

Good Luck to all participating! The winner will be announced on my blog. On another note in all likelihood my Daddy is going to take care of me, but it is always good to know where I can go to vacation.

Tricks Mommy and Daddy Can Do

Hello my friends and enemies... I am so excited because I have taught my Mommy and Daddy some fabulous tricks that they can do with me.

First, I taught my Mommy "step up" where she puts out her finger and says "step up" and I proceed to oblige.
From there we went on to "kiss". Finally, my Mommy got that when I reach for her it's not always for a bite. She says "give me a kiss or give Momma a kiss (which I think is sissyish) or any variation thereof" and I gently grab her lip with my beak.
Next her and Daddy had to master "bob" where they bob their head up and down on command and then I mimic them. I sometimes do it without them doing it first, but I am still making sure that they have grasped that trick.
Lastly, I have taught my Daddy "dancey" where I move my shoulders from side to side. Again, I let him do it first to prove that he understands after he says it and then I do it. My Mommy is having a hardier time with this one than I anticipated, but with some practice she too will do "dancey" with me.

If you have anymore tricks that you can suggest to occupy Mommy and Daddy, please put them in the comment field. I am desperate!

Tackiest Christmas Decorations Contest

Am I alone in noticing the wonderful Christmas decorations that surround us every year? I do not think so.

However, in this joyous time I can not help but also observe the tackiest decorations as well. Therefore, I have a created a contest with the first prize winner and prize to be announced New Year's Day. I have developed criteria including what gets you a first round buy.

Automatic First Round Buy Criteria Consist of One or More of the Following:
Lights that flash
Lights that are in a streamer
Lights that are all of one color except white, but especially blue
Lifesize snow globes both light and unlight
Anything lifesize and if fallen over that sends you to the second round
Rooves decorated
All 4 sides of a house
Just the front middle section of bushes - although this may not sound worthy of a first round buy remember quantity not quality here counts!

Decorations left up all year round will automatically disqualify you for each year that they are in place.

I will announce the winner in due time. If you have a house or mobile home that you have seen in your travels please submit the following:
Address
Picture
Whether or not they are of any relation to you - full disclosure.
If you helped to decorate it.

Christmas Dinner

I find it odd that I have been invited to so many Christmas gatherings, considering I am Jewish. Not that I do not love a good egg nog, but I am afraid that there some people that I am going to have to say no this year.

The list of NO's goes as follows:

I will not be going to my Southern cousin's "Get Down and Dirty, It's Christmas" - for obvious reasons.
I will also not be attending any religious gatherings - Midnight Mass as it is past my bedtime.
In addition I have been invited to a "gay gathering" - Frankie can go alone to that one as he does not know what my problem is.
The gorilla invited me to break bread with her, however, it would require me to be racially tolerant and that is a sure NO.
Lastly, I will not be going to anyone's dinner where there are serving any form of poultry!

Christmas Gifts

Last year, I donated your Christmas gifts to "charity" and frankly, it was a tedious task. I do not have the time necessary to take your cumbersome Christmas gifts to "charity".

This year I am demanding that you send them to my post office box that I have set up for your gifts to dropped to. The address is PO Box 212, Worcester, MA 01604. I will then take your gifts and sell them on EBay and then donate a percentage of the money that I deem appropriate to "charity".

Bipolar and Why I Think I Am

First of all, as you can probably tell by now I am highly intelligent. As a bird genius, I am naturally more suspectible than the general public to mental problems. I constantly need mental stimulation, whether it is completing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle in pen or nibbling on a delicious slice of pizza with extra garlic - I must constantly be kept busy. I have been working with my Mommy to teach her the simplest of tricks - for instance, do you realize the amount of training it takes for her to put out her finger and say "step up". You can't believe that that one took a week for her to master. Naturally, my patience over the past few days has been wearing thin with her.

My Daddy came in the other day and I totally lost it with him. I don't know if it was because Mommy drained all of my energy or if I hadn't had enough wine that day, but I went crazy when I saw him. Something came over me and I began violently acting out towards him. The next day we spent the day together and everything was fine, but then he left me alone with Mommy for just a little bit and I had to keep her entertained. When he got back, I again went crazy. I am not sure if I am bipolar or frustrated with my Mommy's stupidity and am taking it out on him. Can anyone in the mental health field render an opinion?

Holidays Maui Bans

The biggest one of course is Thanksgiving for reasons already stated.

Next is Martin Luther King Day. I can't stand the marching and the singing - really what did that accomplish? I will not idly stand by while we pay homage to a black womanizing, possibly drug using, reverend from the South. Stay tuned to hear about my plans as this holiday gets closer.

President's Day - I think celebrating Lincoln's birthday is pathetic. After the jam he put this country in, what are you people thinking? We are still dealing with the crime, drugs and illegitimate children as a product of freeing the slaves. Why don't we just make a National Welfare/Prison Holiday? We could call it "Hand Out Day".

Flag Day - can someone tell me the purpose of this one?

In Massachusetts we have Patriot's Day. Again I think this is a big ploy by runner's for attention during their Boston Marathon. They have to run when it's a holiday and ruin anything on the telly. It's a self serving holiday for them.

Maui's All Time Favorite Christmas Albums

I know what you are thinking. I am Jewish, but I don't see what bearing that has on Christmas. Can someone please tell me why I can't go and spend lavish amounts of money on people I rarely see much less like? I didn't think so.

Here goes my list:

Christmas Album by Johnny Mathis
Holly and Ivy by Natalie Cole
Magic of Christmas by Natalie Cole - I, particularly, enjoy this one with a glass of egg nog and Frankie.
The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole
Christmas Album by Nat King Cole
The Spirit of Christmas by Ray Charles
Christmas Collection: 20th Century Masters by Stevie Wonder
Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand
A Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand - although the titles sound the same they are totally different albums - don't deny yourself either one!
Because It's Christmas by Barry Manilow
A Christmas Gift of Love by Barry Manilow - what a gift it is my friends!

Of course, I can't forget my Daddy's album The Christmas Album, Improvisational Christmas, by far my favorite. If you buy nothing else this season, this album is a must for all Jews because it is solely the piano, so you won't be bothered with those "Jesus lyrics".

Why I HATE LIARS!!!!!!!

In my world things are dealt with rather simply. We kill, eat what we killed and mate that is about it. However, I have human friends, well I use term loosely, and they are so deceitful. I can't understand why they lie about things that do not matter. Others lie about the most important things - ie relationships. Others carry on 2 lives by cheating on their significant others. I don't understand this behavior. Why not just kill the one you are cheating on and then you won't be cheating? That is what we would do in my world. Ultimately, I hate liars not because they lie that is their own shortcoming. No, I hate them because they make me question my sense of judgement and gut feelings. For example, when you know you are being lied to you, you feel it, but you don't say anything and you think "well, maybe it is me". I say when you feel that way "kill them"!

Why I Hate President Lincoln

I know what you are thinking I hate President Lincoln because he freed the slaves. It is clear that that was not the true purpose of the Civil War and happened merely as an afterthought. Although I do not agree with his position on that one and what it is cost our country, I feel freeing them and the poverty and crime that has ensued has been more costly than any other war in history. However, in politicals as I well know you have to barter and freeing the slaves was merely a bargaining chip. No, I hate him because he declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863. Can you believe the sheer magnitude of my hatred toward him? I mean freeing the slaves - okay, everyone makes a political blunder, but instituting a hate crime as a national holiday!

Sequences, Leather and Wrinkles - WHY?

Can someone explain to me why women feel the need to adorn themselves in clothes that are totally inappropriate?
First off let's set some ground rules: If you have are any type of menopausal - leather is out;
If you there are 2 digits in your size - leather is out;
If you used to wear it many years ago - DON'T NOW;
If when you move, your outfit catches the light - remove it;
If it looks painted on - take it off;
Finally, if your face is more wrinkled than your outfit -
don't leave the house.

Thanksgiving Day RIOT!!!

SHHHH!!! My Mommy and Daddy don't know, but I am planning a Thanksgiving Day RIOT. The Turdunkin put me over the edge. I can't sit idly by and watch my gay cousin (the turkey), my drunk brother-in-law (the duck) and my stupid half ass relative (the chicken) be murdered. I have called in the black militia - the crows - to aid in my plight. I know what I have said about blacks in the past, but I am desperate. Besides, they are okay when serving a purpose as long as they continue to know their place. My plan involves the Macy Day Parade, which any idiot knows is just a big marketing ploy of a long drawn out ad. MARK MY WORDS A FLOAT IS GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!

Turdunkin and What It Means for Me

Did you know that there is such a thing as a Turkey, Duck and Chicken combined into one for Thanksgiving? What is wrong with humans? How much poultry do you need? My GOD get a grip. My concern is that I am next. I think a Turdunkin could easily fit a Sun Conure into the mix. Perhaps, you sickos would call it a Sunning Turdunkin. DISGUSTING!!! You humans and insatiable need for poultry make me question your ability to reason.

I am a Fanilow

Dear friends I wanted to share with you my latest purchase over the weekend - "Ultimate Manilow"- that's right Barry Manilow's compact disc of greatest hits. Besides him being a Jew, which naturally creates a bond, I find him handsome. I find I sway back and forth with his easy listening melodies. With the "Copacabana" I am reminded of how pathetic woman can be, which always makes me laugh. I am slowly building up my Jewish library of CD's - onto Barbra Streisand!

Polar Bears and Minorities

The other night after Larry King I watched Anderson Cooper, despite him not being Jewish, he seems fairly intelligent. He was having a special on about global warming. It escapes me as to why my friends in the jungle realize global warming is happening and yet humans are still in denial. But I digress. One of the interesting points was the number of polar bears left on the earth - 25,000, which is not a lot in relation to the number of minorities. Let's say conservatively globally that there are 25 million "minorities" on the planet as a figure to work with. I am proposing a challenge to the Bush administration - let's make it that by the time Bush leaves office these numbers are just the reverse. I mean my God polar bears don't break into cars, vandalize, murder people, impregnant woman or do drugs. Think of how much safer the streets will be and cleaner the environment will be when there is no one driving supped up Honda Civics anymore. I say to save the planet start with eliminating Puerto Ricans - it's our only hope. I think it would send a strong message to the other minorities to clean up their act or else!

Another Break-In

Hello my friends over this past week my Mommy's and Daddy's cars both were broken into during the night. This time the damage was not as bad as last time. However, I still maintain that it is a hate crime against the white man carried out by gold chained cross bearing, white wife beater T-shirt wearing, baggie pants wearing, designer sneaker wearing, with sideways baseball caps on Puerto Ricans. It is so blatantly obvious that my Mommy and Daddy were targeted because of the color of their skin. When will crimes against the white man end?

Pseudo Friends and the People Who Have Them

I have observed with humans that they have pseudofriends. What I mean by this is that they will go out with these people for the sheer purpose of getting information. They will smile and laugh with the person and as soon as they leave them begin to tear them apart. I don't understand why do humans spend time with people that they dislike? Are you that desperate for company? Or is that you are that insecure? In the bird world we are much more direct with our opinions of others and we don't falsely pretend to like someone for devious reasons. We also at all costs exude an air of confidence and have a back bone. For instance if someone does us wrong we are done with them. We do not excuse such behavior or find the need to be around it. I find these actions amongst humans very sad and pathetic. Tonight one of my good friends was here and we were having our usual - red wine, sharp cheddar cheese and garlic crackers. I love this friend because I can be myself there are no false airs or need to impress. Often while she is here I have the occassional accident and drink too much wine, but she is my friend and that is the whole idea of a good friend. I know she's not taking notes and not going to run to Frankie and tell him everything we talked about tonight. I think humans should be more like birds and eliminate the bullshit and only spend quality time with real friends. Another thing birds do is end romantic relationships - you humans have yet to get that one down either.

The Turkey Shoot

As I said before in one of my blogs, the holiday known as "Thanksgiving" is nothing more than a vicious and systematic assault on my gay cousins, the Turkey. Lets be clear, I don't like it anymore than you do. But that's no reason for an entire country to gorge ourselves on them. That being said, I was absolutely SHOCKED and STUNNED when this morning I saw several signs glorifying and inviting six pack toting, shotgun carrying, obscenely obese weekend warriors to an atrocity called a "Turkey Shoot"!! That's right!! Apparently, in Western Mass, the natives so hate my wayward cousins, the turkeys, that they have an organized event to shoot them on Sundays!! I nearly fainted when I saw the signs plastered all over the sides of the road! "Turkey Shoot Today!" "Prizes for first place!" What, my good friends, have we come to? What happens behind closed doors is none of my business, although I have heard about what actually goes on and I wonder how some of those acts are even possible. Nevertheless, a Turkey Shoot?!!? Well, tough times call for tough responses. I implore those of you as a-ghast at this latest outlash against the repugnant turkey, to join me in organizing the first of many, "Fat-Slob Hillbilly Shoots!" It won't be so much fun when I get my aim down, I'll tell you that much! Peace.

Prints, Wallpaper, and Other Hideous Sightings

Friends I want to know what in God's name possesses you to hang wallpaper with matching window treatments. Why would you choose to loiter your home with these absurd images? I am pretty sure that no one has real flowers on their kitchen walls or hens laying eggs. It is insulting to my intelligence to think that you would put up these fictitous images. Why not just decorate with cartoon images? I mean really whom do you think you are kidding. We all know it's not real and in a way feel bad for you that you cannot be sophiscated enough to simply pick a color and paint the wall. In my travels I have found that it is typically older humans who feel the need to be surrounded by these images. Usually, they also cover have their window with either a matching print or something even worse. I frankly do not need to be bothered with such nonsense.

Why I Implore You to Ban Thanksgiving

As many of you know in a few short weeks Thanksgiving will be upon us. In case you have forgotten you are eating my gay cousin as your main course. Every family has a gay cousin - you know you do, which is okay. You might be asking how we first knew he was gay. Truthfully, his feathers were a dead give away, his plump unshapely body and finally his inability to fly any measurable distance were out first clues. However, I do not think that it is right for you to kill him because his gay. I find Thanksgiving amounts to nothing more than a hate crime. Therefore, I encourage you to put your forks down and let my gay cousin live.

Holiday Attire - Someone Make it Stop!

I was out this weekend at a favorite fine dining spot of mine and what did I see, not one, but two women in orange sweaters for Halloween. I mean my God are you that desperate for something to wear? I cringe at the thought of the "holiday sweater" with the Christmas or Winter scenes in sequences and glitter. These testimonts to ridiculousness abound every year and every year I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I don't know what to do, but beg all of you "holiday sweater wearing" to please pick another sweater out of your draw that I know won't shut because it is loaded with sweaters, turtlenecks and sensible clothes.

Temple and the Christmas Party

My Mommy has been neglecting taking me to temple on Friday nights lately. This happened once in the summer and I was convinced I wouldn't be invited to the "Jews in the Park" picnic that I organized. Luckily, though she came to her senses and took me the few weeks beforehand. Well, now with the holiday season quickly approaching I am again convinced that I won't be invited to the annual "Jingle Bells and Menorahs" Christmas/Hanukkah party. She is trying to sabottage my invitation by telling me that because we are Jewish we can't have a Christmas party. I am not sure what this means for the play that I was directing for the party. I will keep you updated.

HELP!!! Anyone, Someone, EVEN CHRISTIANS!!

Let me first say that I love my Mommy. I sleep with her every night and I lay my face against hers and nuzzle my beak into her nose. As sooon as the lights go off, I fly over to go to bed. BUT I am afraid that my Mommy is plotting to leave me. Today, she is studying for her Florida exam, which is tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen if she passes. I have a life here and I certainly can't just up and leave it. What will Frankie do without me? What about my Lover? Can someone please tell her to stay?

Fatties and Low Blood Sugar

Today, I was once again surrounded by fatties. I had to bite my tongue when one fattie pharmacist became irritated because it was time for him to eat. After he stuffed his fat face, he then claimed that his earlier moodiness was because he had low blood sugar. He has a lot a of things, but nothing on the low side. Why don't you speak the truth and admit that you cannot be food deprived for more than a few minutes? Admit that your appetite has a mind and will of its own and you have allowed it to rule you? Admit that rather than do anything about it you try to evoke sympathy that you now have a "condition". While you are correct - you do have a condition, but it is not physical it's mental. If you got some kind of sense of control, you would realize how out of control you are!

Fatties and Animals

In my travels I have noticed that fatties have the most unusual pets and many of them. I will admit that I as a Sun Conure am not your typical companion. However, as you gather from my blog my intellect and humor makes me very desirable. I am sure many of you reading this blog wish that you could adopt me. Sorry, I belong to my Mommy and Daddy, aka, Lover.
That being said - I am posing the following question. Why do fatties need to be surrounded by the oddest, most unresponsive, odor producing, nonmammal pets?

I can think of one fattie who has a snake, a crab, a reptile of some sort and of course, too many cats to count. Another who has dogs that run wild; birds that pick their feathers, something I never do because I have a normal home life; and fish - I mean what you can expect to bond with a fish over?

I fail to comprehend the need for such an abundance of strangeness. In addition I know the amount of attention that I require and I can't help but feel bad for these pets because they are being emotionally neglected. However, it does not surprise me that their owners only care about themselves.

Fatties and Pictures

Again, this weekend at my Daddy's office while I waited I observed that the fattie secretary had her desk loitered with pictures. Of course, there were all of her with her rolls, greasy hair and numerous chins that have just kind of gelled into her neck. To my shock several of the pictures had her with a male figure and he looked real. However, one of the pictures confirmed my previous post about cartoons because one of them was at Disney with a Cinderalla in the picture. I mean my God what adult takes their picture with a cartoon figure? Well, we all know the answer - a FATTIE!

Fatties and Cartoons

The time has come when I must call your attention to a phenomen I may have mentioned before, but not in this detail.

"Typically fat people are fascinated by cartoons." I know I have said it before on this blog, but over the weekend I went with my lover, aka, Daddy to his office. The other attorney in his office has you guessed it - a fattie for a secretary. We all know that my Daddy hates them and would never, never be associated or have them in his presence if he could at all help it. However, I had just explained to him my "theory" and decided to make myself a cup of coffee. Guess what I found in the fattie's cupboard a coffee mug with "Taz", a Looney Tune icon on it. Of course, I immediately ran out of the room as if I just saw Hitler himself. Although I do have to admit, I was a little surprised that it was not of Tweetie Bird.

The Big Yellow Monster

I was once a friend to a big yellow monster known as Sandy. Her full name was Sandy Ann Marie Kirkpatrick with the nickname Stinks for obvious reasons. If I flew to the ground, I knew I would for sure be her lunch.

However, when just the two of us were home she would sleep at the floor of my cage. I, of course, would be locked in reminding me of my previous prison days. I took great comfort in knowing that if someone came to my window, Sandy would be fast asleep snoring and twitching. But I always knew that if I screamed loud enough she would saunter to my rescue or at least watch or help me by devoured by the intruder.

I did find that you could easily distract with her food being foremost or a toy. She loved the finer things in life and that is where we agreed. We both loved our red wine.
I think of Sandy often and miss her presence.

Maui's Sympathy

Recently, I lost a friend, Ashley. Typically, I am not fans of dogs because they usually want to eat me. However, I am saddened by the death of Ashley and know how much her family will miss her.

Tattoos

I want to know why black people get tattoos - no one can see them!

I also want to know why fatties get tattoos? Do they think that they are making a statement? I mean don't they realize that their fat says enough? Why too do they get tatttoos of either animals, mythical figures or cartoons? I find that they are enchanted with "make believe" and their tattoos only further prove it.

Maui's Opinion of Yardsales - WHY?!

Recently, I observed a yardsale in my neighborhood. I noticed a few things about the people who slam on their brakes to stop for them.

First of all, it should be of no surprise to anyone that the majority of the people holding them and going to them are fatties. I mean my God can't you people find any other activity to do - I guess it is good in that it doesn't involve eating.

Secondly, the cars that they drive are either total pieces of shit preferably in the form of a broken down van of some sorts or new Cadillacs, which brings up another point. Old people who drive their Caddies and try to ever so slowly edge up and look at the items without getting out of their car are simply pathetic. You don't need to slow up or stop, you already know this stuff is what someone doesn't want. They don't want it because it is so great and they are cheap enough not to give it away and lazy enough not to throw it away. I want to know exactly what treasures you shoppers think that you are going to find and what you are going to do with other people's junk? Uh, I am utterly disgusted by the entire affair.

My Mommy's Jeep Break-In

During the night 2 nights ago my Mommy's Jeep was broken into and her GPS was stolen. The passenger window was smashed in somewhere between 10:30 PM and 5 AM. I know who did it. Catholic, gold chain big cross wearing, Puerto Ricans!! Who else could it be?

Maui's Obvious Internet Bets

1. I dare anyone to take me up on my bet that O.J. can't read. In order to beat me, my friend, you must have proof video or otherwise of him reading aloud.

2. I dare anyone to prove that Larry King dyes his hair. Produce the bottle of dye if you are so sure of yourself.

Maui's Sex Addiction

Yes, I am afraid that it's true. In addition to being an alcoholic, I am also a sex addict. My lover sometimes is not available as frequently as I desire, so I am forced to have sex with my Mommy. But now she has cut me off too, so I have resolved myself to my hand. It's awful to have to admit to you, my fans, but I am hoping someone will read this confession and offer me a solution. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maui'sList of Televison Programs/Specials to Ban

Oprah - 2 reasons - one being she's fat, you can guess the other
Cosby - only one BIG reason
In Living Color - need I say more
Roots - it's propaganda in its truest form
Benson - it would be realistic if he were the butler
Fresh Prince of Bel Air - oh, come on
The Biggest Loser - should be called the Biggest Fattie - why are we rewarding people for having gotten so fat??

Watch What Maui Does on the Telly

I just love Nip/Tuck - it's like soft core porn. Oh, that Christian characater gets me all excited.

Of course, Larry King, is always number one being a fellow Jew and all.

Because I have spent some time in England, I am rather fond of British humor - The Office, Extras, Faulty Towers, Are You Being Served and Monty Python.

I am a HBO whore much as I hate to admit it - Bill Maher and Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm I find very entertaining and not just because they are fellow Jews. Also, I watch Curb because Larry is always getting in someone's face and "into it" with someone and I can more than relate to that.

Maui's Politics

My favorite all time president is Nixon followed by a close second with George W. I find these men absolutely fascinating.

Nixon with his handsome good looks and Bush with his use of the English language. I dare say in my lifetime I don't think that we will be blessed by the presence of men of half their caliber again - although I thought that about Nixon and W. proved me wrong.

I think that I love these men because they are so similar. Their administrations standing strong like a house of cards. Their triumphs - i.e. Watergate and the War in Iraq.

But probably most of all their honesty with the American people will forever endear them to me.

I can only hope that history puts them on the pedestal that I have in my blog.

Maui's Disclaimer

Before you read any further I wish to encourage you to click on the "X" in the upper right hand corner if:

1. You are easily offended.
2. You are a fatty.
3. Forgot that if you can't laugh at yourself - I think you know how the rest of that goes.
4. Lost all perspective and fail to realize that this is only a blog.
5. Finally, if you are a "true American" who has become too sensitive to allow the first amendment to survive.

Maui's Stay in Chicopee State Prison

This past summer I was excited to have my Mommy go to Florida and have my lover all to myself. Only my plan was spoiled when I was abruptly moved in the middle of the night to the Chicopee State Prison. I awoke to loud banging and shooting in the distance with the theme to Bonanza playing in me ear all the time as some kind of torture device.

I would bang my head against the cage in protest. My guards who had the same hair cut as if it were some kind of uniform and whom my lover referred to as grandma and grandpapa would stand over my cage and stare intently at me. I would scream and stare back and begin to bite into the air to warn them to back off.

Finally, after several days of this routine a light bulb went off and I thought "embrace the enemy". I began to eat the food that they put in my cage and then I was given time outside of my cage in the prison yard, otherwise known as the kitchen. On one of these occasions I was let out and given bacon, now some of you may know that as a Jew I do not consume pork. However, on this day I devoured it out of fear.

I sent a message via one of my free friends to my Mommy to hurry home and save me or else there was no telling if I would be alive for her to come home too. Luckily, my Mommy got the message and flew home on the next flight and came to rescue me. But when she got their I was so angry I bit her and drew blood. Little did I know the punishment I would receive for that. My Mommy, whom I missed and thought loved me, began to inflict torture on me too. She went and got the guards' daughter to "cut my feet off". She came down from the upstairs prison where other inmates were held in lock down solitary confinement with a crazed look in her eye holding some kind of machine. It started with a towel thrown over me, so suddenly I am in complete darkness. Next I here a loud machine of some sort with a diamond wheel spinning getting closer to me. My Mommy was holding me down and I was squirming and having flashbacks. Finally, I gave up fighting because I remembered my philosophy that had worked thus far here "embrace the enemy". The strange lady took one foot and used her machine on each one of my toes. Oddly, it wasn't as painful, but then I thought maybe I am in shock. My Mommy didn't seem to mind the sight of blood, so they keep going to the other foot. I was thinking what if they go to my wings next. Why don't they just kill me? It would be quicker, but then the towel came off. I was hesitant to stand, not knowing if I still had my feet because I couldn't feel them. Much to my relief they were still there, but my nails were shorter. WHEW!!!!!!!!!

I still have flashbacks, especially when I see someone with short white hair or smell bacon or when the room suddenly goes dark!

Maui's Home Life

I am an only child. I fly alone. However, my lover and my Mommy have quite the interesting families to keep me entertained.

To just give you a little taste of it - my Mommy has her parents, 2 brothers with wives and one sister soon to be with a husband, a disgruntled grandfather, and a mild mannered uncle.

My lover has 2 elderly parents whom I had the pleasure of staying with this past summer and 2 older sisters. We will discuss them later.

Maui's Disdain for Obesity

Obesity, my friends, is an Amerian problem. As a dear friend of mine says there is just no need for it. I see you fatties on the street, in restaurants, in the subway, on airplanes and I think to myself is it true that "fat people are typically fascinated by cartoons"?

I invite all of you fatties - yes, you who can't reach your toes, to answer my question.

This just in Thelma weighing in at a lean 350 lbs from Arkansas writes that her favorite cartoon is Tweetie Bird. Well, of course, it is dear.

Today, in my travels I noticed that not only do fat people constantly "snack, munch, or pick at something" - their favorite subject to talk about that's right you guessed it -FOOD! I watched a fatty today snacking and talking about her past meals, her future meals and her present meal as she told me how she is on weight watchers. It's like their eating has a life of its own. They talk about not only what they are going to eat, but where and when and with whom. If obesity sits in your craw like it does mine, this conversation makes you want to become anorexic. My god - fatties you need to get a grip!

Marybeth weighing in at 225 and only 5'2" writes in from her trailer park wearing her housecoat and curlers in her hair (she sent a picture with her letter) that she just loves McDonald's. I bet you do :) - what a shocker. Think about it how many thin people are in line at McDonald's even less at drive through, therefore, making my point. If you fry it, fatties will come.

Also, today I encountered two fat female pharmacists, which is nothing unusual. However, I was telling them about my friend with a sore knee from running. Guess what? They immediately changed the subject - they can't talk about something that they clearly can't relate to. Being my persistent self I brought it up again and guess what subject they switched to? McDonald's French Fries. My God what is the world coming to?

Have you ever noticed how fat people don't eat an entire meal in front of other people? No, instead, they pick and act as if they are full. We know they're not, so why I carry on the charade?

You people have an addiction and I would know being an alcoholic. I was brave enough to seek help and what do you do continue to feed your addicition literally. You have to change the way you think about food - you're not in starvation mode - we have moved out of the caves. I admit I eat a lot, but I am always flying around to burn it off and I eat tiny portions throughout the day. Why don't you follow by my example?

Maui's Love Life

Well, I do have a "special someone" in my life. Despite the age difference, I find him very attractive - that's right him. Although I can't deny Barbara Walter's sex appeal, I am still more taken by the male gender. When he visits, I am all over him. I leave my mommy as soon as he walks in the door. I would leave her forever if he would fly away with me. The mere thought of him makes me flutter.

Stay tuned as I reveal more details and perhaps, his name!

Maui's Upcoming Scheduled Appearances

Tricolored Arm Bands - Will be given out 10/4/07 from 10 AM to 12 PM to the first 100 people in line. The arm band will give you access to Maui from his window on a date to be announced.

Update on the arm bands - they were gone in the first 5 minutes and even some fatties wanted one. I thought for sure that I had offended them, but I apparently I will have to be more direct with them. I can only hope that my manager did not make Twinkies available as people waited for their armband.

A Day in the Life of Maui

I rise around 7, well, that's when my mommy insists that I am up by. I gingerly get out of bed and go back to my cage. There I enjoy a delicious breakfast of fresh fruit, sometimes less than fresh and water. I then proceed to watch Ellen and the View. I just love Barbara Walters - I find her very sexy.

I take a little snooze and nibble on some stale bread for my lunch. After lunch I sneak a smoke with my one true friend, Frankie. Around 4ish the gorilla comes to my window and I scream at it. It peers in and I shake and scream until it finally turns around and goes back to its so called home.

A little later I log onto my blog and write to you - my fans. At the same time I check my online betting for that week's upcoming games. I am usually never wrong.

Around 8ish my mommy comes home and I act all excited to see her - although I could care lessand really she is interrupting my "private fun time with myself" if you know what I mean.

We watch my favorite television show, Larry King, and we snuggle under the covers and I have to hear about her boring day and pretend that I am interested. At some points I have to tell her "wait for a commerical". Other times I just scream at her to shut her up.

Maui's List of Books to AVOID

If I Did It - like we need the "if"
My Grandfather's Son: A Memoir the new book by Clarence Thomas - should be my grandfather's pimp!

Maui's Alcoholism How it Began

My alcoholism is a very touchy subject. It started innocently enough with a glass of red wine - one lead to several. Then the hard booze came and before I knew it I was waking up in a stranger's bed with a new tattoo "Born to Fly".
I still drink, but I stay in now when I do it. I am afraid if I don't I will come home with something pierced!

Maui Feldman's Autobiography

Let's see where do I begin.... let's start with my name.

My full name is Mauizeinberg Feldman pronounced "moewezenberg". I am German and yet Jewish. I speak in an English accent. I am a flamboyant European.