Why I Implore You to Ban Thanksgiving

As many of you know in a few short weeks Thanksgiving will be upon us. In case you have forgotten you are eating my gay cousin as your main course. Every family has a gay cousin - you know you do, which is okay. You might be asking how we first knew he was gay. Truthfully, his feathers were a dead give away, his plump unshapely body and finally his inability to fly any measurable distance were out first clues. However, I do not think that it is right for you to kill him because his gay. I find Thanksgiving amounts to nothing more than a hate crime. Therefore, I encourage you to put your forks down and let my gay cousin live.