Off I Go

Apparently, I am going to Daddy's for three months starting tomorrow. I will miss my Mommy and she will miss me at least that is what she keeps saying to me. I don't know how much I believe it where she is going to warm weather. My Daddy and I are slowly starting to getting along again. To put it in perspective I no longer wish to bite his face off and then kill him. I am content with just biting his finger off and allowing him to ly in his own filth as he sees fit.

2009

Well, friends, 2009 is upon us and I would like to take this time to reflect on the year that is coming to a close. Let's see where should I begin. First, I have to comment on our first hommey for a President. I am very impressed by this country's willingness to place this country's faith in the hands of inexperience. Although I am glad that McCain and Palin didn't get in either, but what can you do not like we can pick our candidates that would smell of a democracy. Moving on to the fabulous bank crisis/crisises and the blindness to which the government handed out money. It comforts me to know that in 2009 we will have Obama, with his impressive record, and the Senators and Congressman, whom have yet to provide us with sound leadership, leading us into this time of economic uncertainity. I wonder what the new catch phrase will be for '09. Since everyone latched onto "Main Street and Wall Street". Perhaps, they will go with "Buy American" in order to help the failing American auto industry. What a surprise that crisis didn't get resolved before '09, hmmmm seems reminsicent of Roosevelt and Hoover. Unfortunately, it is not my responsibility to provide you with a history lesson.

Well, I guess only time will tell what 2009 brings each of us, but I have a feeling it's going to be a year to remember.

Obama and Time

If I see one more Time Magazine cover with a picture of Obama on it, I'm going to call in the "troops" for the inaugration and it won't be pretty. You will be paying little attention to the Bible Obama is using when the Hawks swoop in and tear it and him to shreds. At least Newsweek has the decency to not promote a black man every week on their cover. My God, what is wrong with Time. Another media outlet whose judgment I question is 60 Minutes. If I see one more Obama interview or last week where the whole hour was devoted to him, I am going to give Andy Rooney something to complain about as he walks to the subway for his precious baseball game in the spring. I can't take this pro Obama media. It's like all the reporters drank the Oprah kool aid. They should be careful - they could end up just as fat as her!

The Fuzzy Robe

Well, we were snowed in this weekend. I use the term we to include, my Mommy, me and unfortunately, my Daddy. I was content enough to watch "Lost" from my house and everything would have been fine if Daddy didn't put on his big fuzzy, blue robe and proceed to lounge around in it all day. It disgusts me to my core. My Mommy allows it and that makes me sick to my stomach. He already acts like a king without the robe. On the weekends I can't make any noise because my Daddy might get upset. I can't sleep with my Mommy or play with her because my Daddy might feel threatened. I live with all of these conditions when he is around, but the robe is insulting and just throws it all in my face.

The Deadline

Well, my dear friends, my deadline has come and gone. It looks like I will be sentenced to three months back in the Chicopee State Prison in lockdown. No one it seems wishes to meet my demands. That's okay, I will remember you in my will. When I am being tortured with the Westerns blazing all day long, don't feel guilty. When I refuse to eat and begin to lose weight rapidly, think of me as you suck down your booze. When Daddy yells "that's it, you little motherfucker...", don't shed a tear for me. When my wings are clipped this afternoon so that I won't be able to escape, don't think that there was something that you could have done to prevent this hate crime. It's okay - I'm a Jew and I have a strong constitution. I am unbreakable. I will continue to aggravate my Daddy until my dying day that I promise you!

HO, HO, HO...

you know what relatives I'm talking about.
In all seriousness it's that time of year again when I start critiquing Christmas decorations. There are those that inflate and those that are life size and usually, if you are lucky they are one in the same. Then are those that twinkle, those that blink, and there are those that blind you when you look directly at them. Yes, it's that time of year when tackiness prevails!

Collectors

I have found in my travels that when someone starts a sentence with "I collect...." it is never anything good. For example, I collect plates right then and there I know I am dealing with someone that treasures CRAP! I collect also tells me that they are a pack rat and watch Oprah. I collect lets me size up the individual and quickly dismiss any opinion that they might hold because I already know that they are not brightest bulb due to their unhealthy obsession with CRAP.
I'm telling you I collect generally replaces reading. Usually, collectors are not very deep, intelligent individuals. They are your McDonald eating, Honda driving, beer guzzling, trailer park living, potato chip people of this world.

Now Accepting.....

I am now accepting applications for my 3 month visit while my Mommy goes to Florida. Before you apply, however, there are some things that you should be made aware of now. First, I do not rise before 8 AM. When I awake, I require nourishment right away. Next, I will need my daily bath in cool, but not cold water. Afterwards, I will need my cereal served in soy milk and if you are lucky I may perform a trick or two to get you on your way. When you are gone "working for the man", I will entertain myself. Nothing more needs to be said in regards to that - you are not here anyway. I cannot stay where there are other pets, as I am allergic to all animals. In the evening I will expect you to share some of your dinner with me and give me a glass of red wine. Then I may or may not feel that I need another bath. We will see how I feel at the moment. I will need total control of the remote. On Saturdays, I like scrambled eggs in the morning and I prefer to sleep a little later.

If after having read these demands, you still wish to apply you must follow these rules.

1. All applications must be postmarked December 20, 2008. NO EXCEPTIONS
2. A photo must be submitted of you and your living quarters.
3. A small vial of blood, urine and hair sample will be required for further testing.
4. A thesis about the implications of the auto bailout both in terms of macro and micro economics arguing either for or against it. Charts and graphs may be used as well.
5. A powerpoint presentation about why you are worthy of my 3 month visitation.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation and good luck to everyone.

Followers

I have found in my life that I am surrounded by "followers" and it is just a matter of what it is that they are going to follow. It usually goes into one of three areas, religion, government, or sports. Some people like the power of a bible, although they prefer not to read it, but have it spoon fed to them. Others like a flag. Flag followers fall into one of three categories....the one at the front, the one in the middle, and the one in the end. The one at the front is under the illusion that they are more than a mere puppet. The ones in the middle are trying to be under the radar. The ones at the end are barely keeping up with the march of ridiculousness. It may appear that are the stragglers, barely able to keep pace. However, it's just the opposite. They are the only smart ones because they actually get it and they have a strong enough sense of self not to simply follow the crowd.

2009 Stock Picks

I would be remiss if I didn't try to advise my readers of some sure stock picks for 2009 given Obama will be in the White House. I suggest you buy these stocks now at the ground level before you are left behind in 2009.

Here's my list..

1. Tyson Chicken - for obvious reasons
2. Find out Obama's favorite barbecue sauce - you can't have chicken without barbecue sauce.
3. Watermelon
4. Corn - for corn bread to soak up all those left over barbecue drippings.
5. Gold - chains, crosses anything that is big and gaudy

I may add to this list as I think of more things, so be sure to check back with me.

It's That Time of Year...

Yes, my good friends it's that time of year when the world falls in love isn't that how the song goes? Of course, I celebrate Christmas even though I am Jewish. I figure I can fake it just as good as a Christian. My beloved Mommy is in Florida, but the Saturday that she comes back she has to go to a cookie exchange and she is required to bring a recipe. Below is my Mommy's favorite cookie recipe...

Tracy’s Surprise Christmas Cookies

Step One
How can I avoid cooking during the holiday season.
Step Two
Remember that’s what bakeries are for…
Step Three
Preheat your car before you get in for your trip, no need to endure any more pain than necessary!
Step Four
Google directions to Wholly Cannoli.
Step Five
Keep killing time with email while waiting for your car to heat to 70°. It’s also good time to delete people from your Christmas Card Excel file because you keep track of these things.
Step Six
Now you are ready to for your trip, make sure you have preselected your driving music as you don’t want to listen another corny Christmas song during this joyous season.
Step Seven
Circle the lot and beat someone out for your prime spot , preferably an old person.
Step Eight
Enter and make your selection don’t worry you will have plenty of time to change your mind when you are constantly ignored by the staff.
Step Nine
Don’t stare at one of the owners, John, in his tight jeans and sequenced shirt this is his normal daytime attire.
Step Ten
Now you have your cookies in hand and are paying for them when you see something in the case that you can’t resist and you know you deserve it, so you buy it, no one is with you and who’s watching as you stuff it into your mouth whole as you drive to the party.