Temple and the Christmas Party

My Mommy has been neglecting taking me to temple on Friday nights lately. This happened once in the summer and I was convinced I wouldn't be invited to the "Jews in the Park" picnic that I organized. Luckily, though she came to her senses and took me the few weeks beforehand. Well, now with the holiday season quickly approaching I am again convinced that I won't be invited to the annual "Jingle Bells and Menorahs" Christmas/Hanukkah party. She is trying to sabottage my invitation by telling me that because we are Jewish we can't have a Christmas party. I am not sure what this means for the play that I was directing for the party. I will keep you updated.

HELP!!! Anyone, Someone, EVEN CHRISTIANS!!

Let me first say that I love my Mommy. I sleep with her every night and I lay my face against hers and nuzzle my beak into her nose. As sooon as the lights go off, I fly over to go to bed. BUT I am afraid that my Mommy is plotting to leave me. Today, she is studying for her Florida exam, which is tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen if she passes. I have a life here and I certainly can't just up and leave it. What will Frankie do without me? What about my Lover? Can someone please tell her to stay?

Fatties and Low Blood Sugar

Today, I was once again surrounded by fatties. I had to bite my tongue when one fattie pharmacist became irritated because it was time for him to eat. After he stuffed his fat face, he then claimed that his earlier moodiness was because he had low blood sugar. He has a lot a of things, but nothing on the low side. Why don't you speak the truth and admit that you cannot be food deprived for more than a few minutes? Admit that your appetite has a mind and will of its own and you have allowed it to rule you? Admit that rather than do anything about it you try to evoke sympathy that you now have a "condition". While you are correct - you do have a condition, but it is not physical it's mental. If you got some kind of sense of control, you would realize how out of control you are!

Fatties and Animals

In my travels I have noticed that fatties have the most unusual pets and many of them. I will admit that I as a Sun Conure am not your typical companion. However, as you gather from my blog my intellect and humor makes me very desirable. I am sure many of you reading this blog wish that you could adopt me. Sorry, I belong to my Mommy and Daddy, aka, Lover.
That being said - I am posing the following question. Why do fatties need to be surrounded by the oddest, most unresponsive, odor producing, nonmammal pets?

I can think of one fattie who has a snake, a crab, a reptile of some sort and of course, too many cats to count. Another who has dogs that run wild; birds that pick their feathers, something I never do because I have a normal home life; and fish - I mean what you can expect to bond with a fish over?

I fail to comprehend the need for such an abundance of strangeness. In addition I know the amount of attention that I require and I can't help but feel bad for these pets because they are being emotionally neglected. However, it does not surprise me that their owners only care about themselves.

Fatties and Pictures

Again, this weekend at my Daddy's office while I waited I observed that the fattie secretary had her desk loitered with pictures. Of course, there were all of her with her rolls, greasy hair and numerous chins that have just kind of gelled into her neck. To my shock several of the pictures had her with a male figure and he looked real. However, one of the pictures confirmed my previous post about cartoons because one of them was at Disney with a Cinderalla in the picture. I mean my God what adult takes their picture with a cartoon figure? Well, we all know the answer - a FATTIE!

Fatties and Cartoons

The time has come when I must call your attention to a phenomen I may have mentioned before, but not in this detail.

"Typically fat people are fascinated by cartoons." I know I have said it before on this blog, but over the weekend I went with my lover, aka, Daddy to his office. The other attorney in his office has you guessed it - a fattie for a secretary. We all know that my Daddy hates them and would never, never be associated or have them in his presence if he could at all help it. However, I had just explained to him my "theory" and decided to make myself a cup of coffee. Guess what I found in the fattie's cupboard a coffee mug with "Taz", a Looney Tune icon on it. Of course, I immediately ran out of the room as if I just saw Hitler himself. Although I do have to admit, I was a little surprised that it was not of Tweetie Bird.

The Big Yellow Monster

I was once a friend to a big yellow monster known as Sandy. Her full name was Sandy Ann Marie Kirkpatrick with the nickname Stinks for obvious reasons. If I flew to the ground, I knew I would for sure be her lunch.

However, when just the two of us were home she would sleep at the floor of my cage. I, of course, would be locked in reminding me of my previous prison days. I took great comfort in knowing that if someone came to my window, Sandy would be fast asleep snoring and twitching. But I always knew that if I screamed loud enough she would saunter to my rescue or at least watch or help me by devoured by the intruder.

I did find that you could easily distract with her food being foremost or a toy. She loved the finer things in life and that is where we agreed. We both loved our red wine.
I think of Sandy often and miss her presence.

Maui's Sympathy

Recently, I lost a friend, Ashley. Typically, I am not fans of dogs because they usually want to eat me. However, I am saddened by the death of Ashley and know how much her family will miss her.

Tattoos

I want to know why black people get tattoos - no one can see them!

I also want to know why fatties get tattoos? Do they think that they are making a statement? I mean don't they realize that their fat says enough? Why too do they get tatttoos of either animals, mythical figures or cartoons? I find that they are enchanted with "make believe" and their tattoos only further prove it.

Maui's Opinion of Yardsales - WHY?!

Recently, I observed a yardsale in my neighborhood. I noticed a few things about the people who slam on their brakes to stop for them.

First of all, it should be of no surprise to anyone that the majority of the people holding them and going to them are fatties. I mean my God can't you people find any other activity to do - I guess it is good in that it doesn't involve eating.

Secondly, the cars that they drive are either total pieces of shit preferably in the form of a broken down van of some sorts or new Cadillacs, which brings up another point. Old people who drive their Caddies and try to ever so slowly edge up and look at the items without getting out of their car are simply pathetic. You don't need to slow up or stop, you already know this stuff is what someone doesn't want. They don't want it because it is so great and they are cheap enough not to give it away and lazy enough not to throw it away. I want to know exactly what treasures you shoppers think that you are going to find and what you are going to do with other people's junk? Uh, I am utterly disgusted by the entire affair.

My Mommy's Jeep Break-In

During the night 2 nights ago my Mommy's Jeep was broken into and her GPS was stolen. The passenger window was smashed in somewhere between 10:30 PM and 5 AM. I know who did it. Catholic, gold chain big cross wearing, Puerto Ricans!! Who else could it be?

Maui's Obvious Internet Bets

1. I dare anyone to take me up on my bet that O.J. can't read. In order to beat me, my friend, you must have proof video or otherwise of him reading aloud.

2. I dare anyone to prove that Larry King dyes his hair. Produce the bottle of dye if you are so sure of yourself.

Maui's Sex Addiction

Yes, I am afraid that it's true. In addition to being an alcoholic, I am also a sex addict. My lover sometimes is not available as frequently as I desire, so I am forced to have sex with my Mommy. But now she has cut me off too, so I have resolved myself to my hand. It's awful to have to admit to you, my fans, but I am hoping someone will read this confession and offer me a solution. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maui'sList of Televison Programs/Specials to Ban

Oprah - 2 reasons - one being she's fat, you can guess the other
Cosby - only one BIG reason
In Living Color - need I say more
Roots - it's propaganda in its truest form
Benson - it would be realistic if he were the butler
Fresh Prince of Bel Air - oh, come on
The Biggest Loser - should be called the Biggest Fattie - why are we rewarding people for having gotten so fat??

Watch What Maui Does on the Telly

I just love Nip/Tuck - it's like soft core porn. Oh, that Christian characater gets me all excited.

Of course, Larry King, is always number one being a fellow Jew and all.

Because I have spent some time in England, I am rather fond of British humor - The Office, Extras, Faulty Towers, Are You Being Served and Monty Python.

I am a HBO whore much as I hate to admit it - Bill Maher and Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm I find very entertaining and not just because they are fellow Jews. Also, I watch Curb because Larry is always getting in someone's face and "into it" with someone and I can more than relate to that.

Maui's Politics

My favorite all time president is Nixon followed by a close second with George W. I find these men absolutely fascinating.

Nixon with his handsome good looks and Bush with his use of the English language. I dare say in my lifetime I don't think that we will be blessed by the presence of men of half their caliber again - although I thought that about Nixon and W. proved me wrong.

I think that I love these men because they are so similar. Their administrations standing strong like a house of cards. Their triumphs - i.e. Watergate and the War in Iraq.

But probably most of all their honesty with the American people will forever endear them to me.

I can only hope that history puts them on the pedestal that I have in my blog.

Maui's Disclaimer

Before you read any further I wish to encourage you to click on the "X" in the upper right hand corner if:

1. You are easily offended.
2. You are a fatty.
3. Forgot that if you can't laugh at yourself - I think you know how the rest of that goes.
4. Lost all perspective and fail to realize that this is only a blog.
5. Finally, if you are a "true American" who has become too sensitive to allow the first amendment to survive.

Maui's Stay in Chicopee State Prison

This past summer I was excited to have my Mommy go to Florida and have my lover all to myself. Only my plan was spoiled when I was abruptly moved in the middle of the night to the Chicopee State Prison. I awoke to loud banging and shooting in the distance with the theme to Bonanza playing in me ear all the time as some kind of torture device.

I would bang my head against the cage in protest. My guards who had the same hair cut as if it were some kind of uniform and whom my lover referred to as grandma and grandpapa would stand over my cage and stare intently at me. I would scream and stare back and begin to bite into the air to warn them to back off.

Finally, after several days of this routine a light bulb went off and I thought "embrace the enemy". I began to eat the food that they put in my cage and then I was given time outside of my cage in the prison yard, otherwise known as the kitchen. On one of these occasions I was let out and given bacon, now some of you may know that as a Jew I do not consume pork. However, on this day I devoured it out of fear.

I sent a message via one of my free friends to my Mommy to hurry home and save me or else there was no telling if I would be alive for her to come home too. Luckily, my Mommy got the message and flew home on the next flight and came to rescue me. But when she got their I was so angry I bit her and drew blood. Little did I know the punishment I would receive for that. My Mommy, whom I missed and thought loved me, began to inflict torture on me too. She went and got the guards' daughter to "cut my feet off". She came down from the upstairs prison where other inmates were held in lock down solitary confinement with a crazed look in her eye holding some kind of machine. It started with a towel thrown over me, so suddenly I am in complete darkness. Next I here a loud machine of some sort with a diamond wheel spinning getting closer to me. My Mommy was holding me down and I was squirming and having flashbacks. Finally, I gave up fighting because I remembered my philosophy that had worked thus far here "embrace the enemy". The strange lady took one foot and used her machine on each one of my toes. Oddly, it wasn't as painful, but then I thought maybe I am in shock. My Mommy didn't seem to mind the sight of blood, so they keep going to the other foot. I was thinking what if they go to my wings next. Why don't they just kill me? It would be quicker, but then the towel came off. I was hesitant to stand, not knowing if I still had my feet because I couldn't feel them. Much to my relief they were still there, but my nails were shorter. WHEW!!!!!!!!!

I still have flashbacks, especially when I see someone with short white hair or smell bacon or when the room suddenly goes dark!

Maui's Home Life

I am an only child. I fly alone. However, my lover and my Mommy have quite the interesting families to keep me entertained.

To just give you a little taste of it - my Mommy has her parents, 2 brothers with wives and one sister soon to be with a husband, a disgruntled grandfather, and a mild mannered uncle.

My lover has 2 elderly parents whom I had the pleasure of staying with this past summer and 2 older sisters. We will discuss them later.

Maui's Disdain for Obesity

Obesity, my friends, is an Amerian problem. As a dear friend of mine says there is just no need for it. I see you fatties on the street, in restaurants, in the subway, on airplanes and I think to myself is it true that "fat people are typically fascinated by cartoons"?

I invite all of you fatties - yes, you who can't reach your toes, to answer my question.

This just in Thelma weighing in at a lean 350 lbs from Arkansas writes that her favorite cartoon is Tweetie Bird. Well, of course, it is dear.

Today, in my travels I noticed that not only do fat people constantly "snack, munch, or pick at something" - their favorite subject to talk about that's right you guessed it -FOOD! I watched a fatty today snacking and talking about her past meals, her future meals and her present meal as she told me how she is on weight watchers. It's like their eating has a life of its own. They talk about not only what they are going to eat, but where and when and with whom. If obesity sits in your craw like it does mine, this conversation makes you want to become anorexic. My god - fatties you need to get a grip!

Marybeth weighing in at 225 and only 5'2" writes in from her trailer park wearing her housecoat and curlers in her hair (she sent a picture with her letter) that she just loves McDonald's. I bet you do :) - what a shocker. Think about it how many thin people are in line at McDonald's even less at drive through, therefore, making my point. If you fry it, fatties will come.

Also, today I encountered two fat female pharmacists, which is nothing unusual. However, I was telling them about my friend with a sore knee from running. Guess what? They immediately changed the subject - they can't talk about something that they clearly can't relate to. Being my persistent self I brought it up again and guess what subject they switched to? McDonald's French Fries. My God what is the world coming to?

Have you ever noticed how fat people don't eat an entire meal in front of other people? No, instead, they pick and act as if they are full. We know they're not, so why I carry on the charade?

You people have an addiction and I would know being an alcoholic. I was brave enough to seek help and what do you do continue to feed your addicition literally. You have to change the way you think about food - you're not in starvation mode - we have moved out of the caves. I admit I eat a lot, but I am always flying around to burn it off and I eat tiny portions throughout the day. Why don't you follow by my example?

Maui's Love Life

Well, I do have a "special someone" in my life. Despite the age difference, I find him very attractive - that's right him. Although I can't deny Barbara Walter's sex appeal, I am still more taken by the male gender. When he visits, I am all over him. I leave my mommy as soon as he walks in the door. I would leave her forever if he would fly away with me. The mere thought of him makes me flutter.

Stay tuned as I reveal more details and perhaps, his name!

Maui's Upcoming Scheduled Appearances

Tricolored Arm Bands - Will be given out 10/4/07 from 10 AM to 12 PM to the first 100 people in line. The arm band will give you access to Maui from his window on a date to be announced.

Update on the arm bands - they were gone in the first 5 minutes and even some fatties wanted one. I thought for sure that I had offended them, but I apparently I will have to be more direct with them. I can only hope that my manager did not make Twinkies available as people waited for their armband.

A Day in the Life of Maui

I rise around 7, well, that's when my mommy insists that I am up by. I gingerly get out of bed and go back to my cage. There I enjoy a delicious breakfast of fresh fruit, sometimes less than fresh and water. I then proceed to watch Ellen and the View. I just love Barbara Walters - I find her very sexy.

I take a little snooze and nibble on some stale bread for my lunch. After lunch I sneak a smoke with my one true friend, Frankie. Around 4ish the gorilla comes to my window and I scream at it. It peers in and I shake and scream until it finally turns around and goes back to its so called home.

A little later I log onto my blog and write to you - my fans. At the same time I check my online betting for that week's upcoming games. I am usually never wrong.

Around 8ish my mommy comes home and I act all excited to see her - although I could care lessand really she is interrupting my "private fun time with myself" if you know what I mean.

We watch my favorite television show, Larry King, and we snuggle under the covers and I have to hear about her boring day and pretend that I am interested. At some points I have to tell her "wait for a commerical". Other times I just scream at her to shut her up.

Maui's List of Books to AVOID

If I Did It - like we need the "if"
My Grandfather's Son: A Memoir the new book by Clarence Thomas - should be my grandfather's pimp!

Maui's Alcoholism How it Began

My alcoholism is a very touchy subject. It started innocently enough with a glass of red wine - one lead to several. Then the hard booze came and before I knew it I was waking up in a stranger's bed with a new tattoo "Born to Fly".
I still drink, but I stay in now when I do it. I am afraid if I don't I will come home with something pierced!

Maui Feldman's Autobiography

Let's see where do I begin.... let's start with my name.

My full name is Mauizeinberg Feldman pronounced "moewezenberg". I am German and yet Jewish. I speak in an English accent. I am a flamboyant European.