Big Pussy

That's right I saw a big pussy at my window. Of course, my first reaction was to scream, which I promptly did and continued even after it left. It stared at me with wide open eyes in amazement as if it had never seen anything of my beauty before it. My Mommy explained to me that the Big Puss, as I have nicknamed it, will likely return and stare at me in the future and possibly bring friends. As a precaution I contacted my local rabbi to come over and cast a curse on the Big Puss and to pray for me. One can never be too sure. I am going to sleep as they say with one eye open just in case. I won't tolerate being gawked at in my own home, much less by pussy.
So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to rid myself of the Big Puss, I would be much obliged and am okay if it involves a "convenient accident" or a priest.

Harvard Professor

Professor Gates was arrested for breaking into his home and he seems surprised. Let's see if he weren't arrested then he would claim that the police are underfunded and aren't able to protect his neighborhood. You can't win with this man. Now, he's playing the race card. Give me a break - I love him acting stunned that the police officers are employing racial profiling. It's just ridiculous to think that because he is a Harvard professor he should be treated any differently than any other black man breaking and entering. God, I am so sick of blacks who don't want to socialize with other blacks playing the race card when they themselves don't want to associate with "their kind". It's absurd. His wife is white and he has tried to separate himself from his blackness until it's to his advantage!

I Have COUNSEL!!!

That's right! I hope my Daddy reads this and weeps! If you click under comment on the prenup post, you will see a comment from my counsel. I am slightly concerned as to the terms of the agreement. I am not quite sure what my counsel means that having "Howie's cooking will be a conflict of interest". Does this mean that Daddy is going to cook me and serve me to my counsel on a silver platter as he is always threatening to do? I am confused by that comment, but I am just going to tell myself that it's nothing and encourage Daddy to eat out more.

Prenuptials

My Mommy and Daddy are not having a prenup amongst themselves, but I am demanding one. First off with the complicated adoption papers as can only be expected when you cross species adopt and the religious differences, I need to ensure that I will not lose any of my precious assets that I have entering this arrangement. Therefore, I am asking for your help to find me independent counsel for the adoption paperwork and prenup. Items that are non negogitable in the prenup are as follows: my house, my jungle gym, my cozy, and most importantly my nest. I am willing to compromise on the remote when Larry King is not on CNN. I am also williing to compromise on my diet. I see no need to eat just seed when I can have dinner with Mommy and Daddy, especially when Daddy cooks. I also do not need to dig my claws in when it comes to sharing the computer. I can be on the keyboard as he surfs the web, Mommy and I work fine that way. Finally, I am willing to allow Daddy to sleep in my room as long as he does not talk or look at me between 9 PM and 7 AM.

The Move In Date

It's fastly approaching and in preparation for my Daddy to move in I have started practicing the following safety precautions.

1. I will never have my back to Daddy as that is when he can do something scary to me. As a result, I have been doing drills where I turn around fast and keep my balance.

2. I will never have my head turned down with Daddy around. In order to practice this one I quickly raise my head from my tummy or back when I am preening myself, so I won't get dizzy anymore should I need to do it in real time.

3. I will always bath with the bathroom door open. Usually, I prefer it shut for privacy, but privacy can quickly turn lethal. I have been practicing with my Mommy and I am slowly getting comfortable with someone seeing me while I bath.

4. I have been practicing staring at myself in the mirror and random strangers that pass by. The goal of this one is to never blink when Daddy tries to "stare me down".

My hope is that I am simply overreacting to him moving in, but one can never be too sure.

MJ's the New Jesus

That's right you read it correctly from now I will no longer take the Lord's name in vein. In the future when I become agitated, angry or just want to make my point I will not yell "goddamn it or jesus christ", instead, I will squawk "MJ or Michael Jackson or the King of Pop". Clearly, it will depend on the severity of the situation at hand as to which I employ at the time. But I want the world and Al Sharpton to know that MJ has reached a new level in my mind.

The 4th of July

Can someone tell me why Americans are constantly in need of a day off or even worse "a me day"? You people hardly work 40 hours a week and you sit on your bar stools and complain about how hard you've got it. I suggest you try searching for your food and shelter on a daily basis and then tell me how hard you've got it. I don't have to worry about those things, but there are plenty of other birds that I ignore that do. Whew, I realize that I got side tracked. I can't stand the dynamite in the sky. I hate the fourth of July and everything it represents. Dynamite, beer and burgers - disgusting and then you Americans wonder why you look the way that you do?!

Adoption

It's official my Daddy is going to adopt me. He proposed to my Mommy and against my advice she said yes. Now, I am going to lose the remote, my Newsweek, and countless other things that make up my daily routine. I usually go to bed earlier and rise earlier, but with Daddy here now he will keep me up late and get mad if I wake him up. It's a joke. I do not even want to mention the religious differences we each have. I am a stern born again Jew and he is Catholic by punishment. I require temple and my food to be blessed. Daddy won't uphold these sacraments I'm sure. In addition I have no intention of changing my name to "Kirkpatrick" the mere thought of it makes me wretch as it goes against my ethnic and religious upbringing.

Michael Jackson and My Crotch

I am reaching out and down to grab my crotch in memory of the ever talented Michael Jackson. His talent was so far reaching that he didn't need to play an instrument or write lyrics that says a lot about this man. In addition I found out that his children are not biologically his - I am shocked. Who knew a black man didn't produce Swedish/German looking children that would make even Hitler proud? In the next few weeks we will find out much to the astonishment of the media that he was a drug user and in a haze from 1988 until his death. I know what you are thinking a novelity - a black drug addict. I wanted to know why my Daddy wasn't at the Apollo dancing it up and celebrating his life. He told me unlike everyone else there he worked for a living.