A Fag Cooking

Daddy is pretending to be a chef. He's making celery root, you would think that he is Mr. Gourmet. Seriously, who does he think he is? It's offensive to anyone who can even so much as nuke a lean cuisine. I have heard countless times about what a great cook he is. Apparently, pureeing something is considered to be an art form now? I'm less than impressed. I want my pizza from Dino's, not some homemade version or Domino's that he thinks is so great! I don't care that they have reformulated their pizza, I'm loyal despite my taste buds. And of course, thrown in that they deliver sweetens the deal. But I digress....where we were? Oh, yes, Daddy is a fag in an apron. And I'm learning that now he likes to hang out with fags, especially old ones. How sick is that? I know, but what I can do just sit and watch I guess and shake my head in shame.

Hello to the Netherlands

I have noticed when I checked the stats on my blog and who exactly is reading it that I have a lot of fans in the Netherlands. Welcome friends, countrymen and Netherlandians! Thank you for lending me your ears and eyes. You are clearly more intelligent than the mere stupid American. While I've never been to Netherland (not to be confused with Neverland and that child diddler, shameless self-promoter, 'King of Pop' but can't hold a candle to the real deal, the one and only diva amongst diva's--Celine Dion) I have surely been there in my mind with you. Unlikely, I will ever do a tour stop so you can shower me with praise as I hear from reliable sources that it is "cold as all hell," and I am tropical. Needless to say, you "get" me and for that, you are a people of high moral and intellectual esteem. Now that I think of the Netherlands, I wonder, what sporting events most tickle your fancies? Skiing and hockey, I would imagine--both favs of mine--or perhaps hottubing with big boobed blonde bimbos brimming with booze, vodka and other spritis of the night that make it far easier (yet, not easy enough for the average slob) to stick it where the sun don't shine, if you know what I mean!! Aaah, now I wish I were there with you, my fans. But I digress-I've already praised you too long--don't want anyone getting idea I'm just a regular fella'. Be well, keep reading, and drop me a line now and then to comment on my posts. Au revoir, as you say!!

Pancakes and Thanksgiving

Well, I'm here in Grafton living with total strangers because my Mommy has dumped me once again for the season. I am a tropical bird living in New England while that part cat, rat of a dog has her sorry ass in southern Florida. I have, however, been enjoying my breakfasts of pancakes and syrup, which I have suggested numerous times that they heat up on the stove first while whisking in some butter, but what do I know! Today, I woke up and realized to my horror that they have been fattening me up for the dreaded day - Thanksgiving. I think that they know that I am not a turkey, but since this year they are going to their son's for dinner the first time I ever I think that they are coming up with a back up plan for when they come home. Truffles kind of looks like mashed potatoes, so she better watch out! It's war I have to save myself.

Cardinal Law

I make no bones about it I'm a die hard Jew. But I was watching a special on the Catholic Church the other night and have decided that they must be following these norms with regards to priests' behavior:

Molest a boy - off to a new parish where you can spread the good word
Molest a girl - mandatory counseling
Rape a young boy - automatic buy to the next round where you'll be crowned bishop
Rape several boys - congratulations you've earned yourself the title, Cardinal
Cover up your priest's crimes and deny them - free relocation trip to Rome
Partake in a hate crime by murdering thousands of innocent Jews - we will call you Pope


Do as I say, not as I do for I'm a Catholic not a Jew.

Shut Down!

We've all heard the mob say, "we are going to shut you down" or "we are going to run you out of town". Well, I can tell you that I have lived it. After I posted "Thwarted", I found that my precious blog was literally shut down. I was stunned. I got the message loud and clear. However, my Mommy was dumb enough to get it back up and running, so now I can't hide. I am thinking about changing my name to something very Italian sounding. What about Maurice Anthony Feldmani - if it ends in a vowel it will pass for Italian, right? And I am strongly considering having some plastic surgery. I think that I am going to start with my beak. It's awful that I have to think like this now, but I am a survivor.

Thwarted

I think I may have outrun the mob. The "godfather" hasn't been back in awhile, but his boys were here last week. I think that they just want me to know that you are never truly rid of them. I simply ignored them and acted like their presence didn't ruffle my feathers in the least. Luckily, my room allows me to see far and wide, so they can't sneak up on me. Also, luckily or unluckily, the white thing that licks its ass barks whenever something seems strange. If you try to go in a parking lot where there is a "Dollar Store", you'll see what I mean about her. She is hardly subtle...sometimes I wonder if she isn't Jewish. I am just keeping my cool and smarts about me and am waiting for the next threat to be delivered. I think it may affect my pizza supply as I have noticed lately that I have been running low.

The Protector

I had to break down and hire some protection for myself. She is known as the "Bunny Chaser" and I have her guard the front door all day long. I am little concerned that she snoozes on the job, but she is all that I can afford and better than nothing. She is hired to alert me to any intruder as they approach. I don't have the money for her to attack them that is left up to me. Usually, she runs and hides after she alerts me. I don't kid myself into thinking that she would come out should I be in real danger. I don't live in a fantasy world. When she does her patrol of the house, she mumbles "I'm bad ass Bunny Chaser". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like the sound of it. Perhaps, it will be enough to keep those Italian boys away. I guess we will have to see how the next few weeks go. She has failed to keep the messages from coming home, which makes me sleep with one eye open.

The Message

Well, I thought the reign of Italian terror was over because I hadn't him or his "boys" in awhile. But last night I got a message brought to me from of all people my Daddy. It was a food item, which I usually enjoy. I opened the box and found out much to my horror it was a white pizza with all of things CHICKEN on it. You have to understand my Daddy never orders chicken on a pizza not to mention a white pizza. It's clear who sent the pizza and what they are trying to say. The odd thing is that I have not done anything, but mind my own business these past few weeks. But you know what they say once the mafia gets in your business you're a dead man.

It's Been Awhile....

....since I have graced you with my words of wisdom. I have been a victim of Italian terrorism. I don't know how I got involved with such horror, well actually that's not true I blame my Daddy. He has insisted on bringing home someone from the Mob and his family. The head of the family, we'll call him "Dave" has threatened to take my food. His sons are also a part of the rain of terror. Naturally, when Dave has touched my food I have screamed bloody murder only to be silenced by one of the "boys". I have read about how the Mafia will come in and take over your home and business, but I never thought me being a nice Jew would be victim to it. They come in and overwhelm my Mommy to the point that she's defenseless. Dave's wife acts oblivious to it all, which is typcial behavior of a wife married to a mobster - they turn a blind eye. I don't have any gambling debts, hookers or drug habit to feed, so I can't understand why I am under such an attack, but I am. I need help. They have shown me pictures of their cat to let me know "what could be done". They claim that "Fluffy" has a cat toy with my picture on it and I believe them. I will keep you posted if I can of how I am fairing.

If It's Round....

I find that male humans love it. It can be in the shape of anatomy or more importantly in the form of sports. They love to chase a ball or watch a tire turn. This topic is on my mind given the Celtics battle for the NBA championship. It's so sad to see grown men huddle around a television with the look of fear and anxiety on their faces mixed with a sense of anticipation that they haven't known since they believed in the almighty Santa Claus. It makes me feel sad for them, but yet empowered that I have never allowed myself to get caught up in the hype and nonsense associated with all professional sport watching. So, off you losers go to watch your precious game and drink your soap tasting cheap beer while I stay home and relax with a fine glass of Cabarnet and perhaps, some smoked gouda. Oh, the finer things....

AKA

You know a lot of people have nicknames. Although I think that is retarded, ie "Frankie, Johnny, Kit, Jay, Tootsie (for a male)", I will oblige and refer to the idiot how he or she chooses. BUT when you change your name, I question your level of saneness. Don't you agree? I mean who in their right mind changes their name - a loser on the run that's whom. It's so obvious, especially when you keep the same last name. Perhaps, you have the joy of calling this loser family. Lucky you! You would think that the loser would be courteous and change his last name too in order to protect the rest of the family. Nah, why bother? After all at the family cookout, he or she still goes by the same first name to all of you, so you are never the wiser. Lovely.

Black Pussy

She is still hanging around my house and sitting on the stoop staring into space. When I don't see her outside, I know that she is inside watching Oprah. It makes me sick. I want to yell at her, "get a job, stop mooching off the white man". I don't dare because you never how "that type" will react. One minute they are all playful and the next minute the claws are out. It makes me so angry and I blame Obama for not only allowing it, but encouraging it with all his unemployment extensions. This country has turned into a wasteland for degenerates like my neighbor. They don't work, hang out all day, know your business, encroach on your backyard, look at you like there is something wrong with you for trying to better yourself, and they become really nasty and the hair on their neck stands up if you suggest that they at least try to contribute to society. It disgusts me.

Fitness Equipment

I am definitely against owning fitness equipment, unless you like to waste space and your money on something that you will never use. Of course, there is the off chance that one day you decide to put down the remote and actually use your equipment only to find that it fails. Lovely! You think to yourself I don't even use this piece of shit, it should work when I want to go for that 5 minute walk. Sucker! The salesperson saw you and your belly coming when they sold you that and even better the repairman really wants to stick it to you to fix it. Now you have an outdated piece of junk that you can pour more money into, only to still not use it. JOIN A GYM!!! They maintain the equipment and you don't have the guilt trip every time you walk by it and avoid it yet again.

Lesbian

She's a lesbian...let me put on my surprise face. That's right the new Supreme Court judge is a woman loving butch hair cut wearing dyke. Oh, how I am so not shocked by this new development. I miss the days of Sandra O'Connor...she was a classy lady. When Elena Kagan was nominated and it was published that she was 50 with no children or spouse, I knew then what type of freak we were dealing with before the general public put together the pieces. Then when she showed up to her hearings in a pant's suit and a haircut that looked like it was done at a barber's shop it reaffirmed my position. Why is the American public so stupid? It never ceases to amaze me how gullable and blind you are to what is so blatant! My God, it's like you are asking to be taken for a ride.

Ugly Politics

That's what I think of the women in Obama's administration from Secretary of State to Supreme Court Judges the one thing that they have in common is that are all overweight, ugly women. He should be ashamed of himself. Let's start with Mrs. Obama....that butt is not muscle. Then there is Hillary...what happened to her face. She looks like a walking corpse with all the makeup to hide the huge circles under her eyes. Finally, the latest woman who has never been a judge and will now be one for the highest court in the land. Does it involve chocolate cake, because that is the only thing that I think she can judge. It's a joke, but then again so is this whole presidency.

No Comment

What are my readers turning into pussies or Obama machines? It's a joke! No one has the balls to comment on my post about the Blacks in my Neighborhood. You are whimps, I am the one who has to live with this disgrace right next door. What is the world coming to? No one will call it like they see it anymore, much less admit that they agree. I am so enraged I could go out and vote for Sarah Palin that's the point you have all pushed me too now. I hope that you are proud of yourselves. In reality you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Blacks in My Neighborhood

Well, here I am in Grafton, a white town or so I thought. It turns out my neighbor is a fat black. I should have known with the RV and old boat parked on the side of the driveway that it wasn't going to be good. Sure enough what do I see out my window, but a big black sitting on the stoop just staring into space. You wouldn't mind, but this is an everyday occurrence. I know that she is just living off the fat of the land. It makes my blood boil. And her backyard is littered with ridiculous lawn furniture and a pool, which I found surprising since I know that "they" typically avoid water. You know that this summer will be the cookouts with the whooping and the hollering. I found her this morning sitting on my deck, she knows no boundaries. Of course, no tolerance Nini barks up a storm at her, but she won't move. I think that I am going to convince my Mommy and Daddy to put up a barbwired fence to send a clear message.

This is the Bull..

SHIT, that's right I said it. I can look at my window and see my Mommy's bedroom, but I'm not allowed to go there because of all the fumes from the painting and staining. It's a joke. This is just Daddy's way of trying to alienate me from my Mommy and MY new house! Mommy only moved to give me a better life out of the city with the smog and pussy gangs. They would jump right up into my window and just stare at me. I had figured out that they were different gangs of them based on their colors. The gray ones were the Latin Kings and the black ones, well I think that what they were is obvious! They had a "hit" out on me, I knew, but I didn't care. I would tease them by fluttering in the window and I would hiss at them to let them know that I wasn't afraid. I digress, now I'm held hostage in Grafton where I am not even in my own house and I just watch out my window my Mommy and Daddy come and go as they please. They don't even wave when they go by, it's so obnoxious.

Dino's

So, Daddy is going to have a big seminar at Dino's. I already know that I am not invited. I'm not stupid. I don't care, well I kind of do, I'll be goddamn if I let him know that. Maybe he will take Nini - old people love little white dogs. Little do they know that I have taught her to snap at people with white hair. Grandma, otherwise known as my guard, thinks that it is random. But I have secretly spent hours with that little rat. Whenever they give me some meat, I save it for my training sessions with the little monster. I have molded her in my image. In order for her to really get it we first had to just do some observation lessons. I would scream to signal her to pay attention that a "snap" was about to happen. Then we I trained her with my meat scraps. I would drop it on the floor let her get start to go for it and then fly down and snag it. She slowly started to snap at me. It took awhile, she's not the brightest bulb, but I think that she has finally got it. Now she snaps if you just try to pick her up or move her and after she does she looks at me and I give my nod of approval.

Daddy is Painting

That's right my Daddy is in Grafton painting and then going out for high end meals at Dino's. I think that he is using the painting as an excuse to "treat himself". It disgusts me. White and Black Dave can attest to it. White Dave even had the audacity to post a picture on facebook of Daddy living it up...Can you believe it? They are just throwing it in my face while I sit here with a rodent that licks her ass and the two prison guards. I could go for a nice meal once in awhile and we all know how I love a good red wine. You think that he would at least bring me home leftovers...I know better than to get my hopes up! I'm not an idiot. He doesn't even bring me home a slice of bread. The rodent is to oblivious to know what is going on, but I have my spies and I can smell it on him when he returns home.

Letters of Apology

I want to know on any given day how many letters of apology Obama has ready to be sent out to those that he has offended. I am thinking he must have thousands of ways of saying "I'm a jackass". Perhaps, he starts out with "my remark was taken out of context" and then moves on to "George Bush is the real problem here". He recently had to apologize to the mayor of Las Vegas for discouraging people from going there and spending their money on such nonsense. While I don't necessarily disagree with the intent of the message, I think it could have been phrased a little softer. Something like if you want a hooker shop local first don't feel that you need to go to Las Vegas, remember every area has a bad section. I think then the mayor would not have been so offended because then you are not just picking on one area. It would have been more subtle. Obama just needs to tone down his message and remember to promote something. People are more receptive to that kind of message. With Toyota he could say "Toyota is unstoppable" - it could be good or it could be a dig at the braking issue.

I'm Dirty

That's right even I have to admit it. My living conditions at the Chicopee State Prison are meager at best. I do not have a daily, weekly or monthly bath for that matter. Even I can not stand myself when I catch a whiff. Luckily, today my Mommy came over and took me to the bathroom where I could bath in private. She set up my towel for me and let the warm water run over my naked body. It was so refreshing. I may be going to Florida with my Mommy - I am hoping to anyway. She will keep me clean and then the only dirty thing around will be my mouth.

Mark Kerrigan....

....is a killer. Of course, he murdered his father. How can they even charge him with assault? He's a drunk, drugged out loser - hello he's from Stoneham. He might as well be from Roxbury and black. And what was Nancy doing all day Sunday? I'd like to know her whereabouts....she seems suspect in all of this too. Crime just seems to follow her around wherever she goes.

A Nudist

I knew that Martha Coakley was an ugly, likely lesbian Hillary lover. However, what I did not know before the election was that Scott Brown posed nude in a magazine a few years ago. I am not offended by this action, instead I applaud him. He really has balls and if you google it you can see them for yourself. I would like to see Barney Frank bare all. I am sure he has, but not for the establishment. I think the next house session should be conducted bare ass - it will really put everyone on a level playing field.

FROM FAT TO FAG

Finally, I took the time to prove my hypothesis with the help of the Canadians through a much needed grant from Obama. Although I did not state truly what I was researching, I managed to hood wink the President like much the rest of the world and secure my funds. It's true fat people have more than their fair share of fags. That's right once the shape is gone, so are the inclinations for the opposite sex. The evidence is indisputable...especially, amongst lesbians. In the future I plan to also conduct a study linking man haircuts among women with queerness. However, the funds for that one won't be as costly as it seems rather obvious. I plan on following women and once they ask for blade number 2 I will know that I have a subject for the study. For men if there is hair dye involved they will become an unknowing participant as well. Then I am going to hit the churches and call out the priests. For this study I am going to make them prove that they are not gay, I will ask questions like which strip club do you want to go to "Hurricane Betty's" or "Chippendales". I will watch closely for eyes darting and looking down as they respond, which will make their verbal answer irrevelant. I will find them and out them at every level. I know no boundaries and I will stop at nothing. This tactic will be the next Crusade.

Blacks

A new survey found that blacks feel that recently there has been the most progress in race relations than in the last 25 years. You want to know why they feel that way? It's because they have a "homey" in the White House. It's always been about them and getting stuff for free. Now, with Obama their dreams are coming true. Martin Luther King ruined this country and Obama is the culmination of his "dream" and the NCAAP colliding. If Obama continues to destroy the country, I'm moving back to Germany where at least you knew what you were dealing with.

Money to Haiti

Obama is nuts. What is this man thinking? Who gives money to a corrupt government? A dumb black man that we call President that's who. It's outrageous, but it gets even better. In addition to money he wants to import them to South Florida. What the hell? Here I thought that the INS could relax and take a few days off, instead, Obama is making their job a joke by importing them himself. Why not put them on a Carnival cruise to get them here? Then once they are here put them up at the Four Seasons. What has this world come to? I blame it all on the upcoming holiday coming up this Monday.

Earthquake in Haiti

Yes, I know it's tragic. But I am waiting for one reporter to step forward with some balls and examine the plus side of the quake. Do you know how many illegal immigrants come into this country from Haiti? It's ridiculous. Now the people who patrol our boarders can take a much needed day off during the next week. Not to mention overall the number of them leaving will be decreased for at least the next month. They will be preoccupied with their own "issues". I agree with my Daddy there's good in every bad - you know the silver lining bullshit.

Joe Jackson...

...is an American hero. Look at all that he accomplished! He took poor black children and beat them until they were worthy of a record contract. The man is a genius. His children have no skills or sense of purpose - what a master planner. They simply ride on the coat tails of Michael what a burden to bear. Their only sense of fame has to come from a gay child molester with image issues. Oh, I can't help but shed a tear for them. But if it weren't for Joe, they would be on the street corner peddling crack like the rest of the kids from their neighborhood. They owe Joe their lives.

Nini is Fat

As we all know there is nothing more that I hate than a fat out of shape animal, well Nini fits into that category. She is the first dog, much less puppy, that I have ever met that has a gut. How obscene! When she's sleeping, then it really hangs out. What a fat ass! It's bad enough that I am subjected to a species that likes her own ass as if it were a cheap Chinese buffet. I can't believe that I have to be placed in the same category as "family pet" as that fatty. I despise her!

As the Wind Blows

...so the good news is my Daddy has been discouraged from coming home by no one else than his friend at Dino's, Dave. THANK GOD!!! I hope he moves to Florida and leaves me here for the cold to slowly kill me. He is complaining that it is 60 degrees there. Hello, it's not even 20 degrees here. What balls! Not to mention that my beak is drying out with the heat billowing at a stifling 75 degrees. Haven't my guards heard of a sweater or a blanket? It's unfathomable. I think they are trying to dry me out to see how much meat is really on my bones before they cook me up for dinner. Don't they do that with prime sirloin? I feel that my future is uncertain and dim. I am just glad that Dave has bide me more time before I have to humor him. I think I may scream "you bastard" when he walks in as a nice welcome greeting. But luckily there is still time to finalize my greeting. Any suggestions are always welcome.

Government and Religion

These two seemingly opposite structures have one thing in common...they want your money. Without it they can't survive. Everything that they do is simply a means to that end. Of course, I am a strict Jew, but I am not blind. Each will manipulate you and try to strick fear in you for it. It's a joke. You can have morals without paying for them. You do not need someone telling you how to act. No one tells an animal how to hunt it's innate. Same thing with people. But everyone likes to follow something whether it be a flag or a bible, so the ridiculousness continues.

Check Out Comments

If someone has the audacity to leave me a comment, I respond swiftly under the comment section. So, make sure you keep checking them out!

Comments

For 2010 I have changed my blog to allow the mere humans of the world to communicate with me freely under my comment section. I am turning a new page and I actually want to hear about your thoughts not that should be confused that I somehow care or that I want to hear your life story. Absolutely not. The comment section is not meant to be a cheap form of therapy for you. If that is what you need, then you are going to have to pay for that and waste someone else's time not mine.

Facebook

I'm on facebook everyone. I think that I may have made this announcement earlier. Check me out I'm under Maui Feldman and my email link is feldman666@gmail. I have already taken great joy in blocking some dead beat relatives whom have lied to me and my Mommy about being on facebook and have shunned the entire family. They are no good cocksuckers and why should I give them the privilege of reading about me and my life when they have made it clear that they want nothing to do with me or my Mommy or Daddy or Nini. It's insulting. I want to make it clear that I absolve myself of any contact from them either directly or slyly with their facebook-cyber stalking. Good riddance and a Happy New Year!