McCain and Obama

So, the race is neck and neck that is with the votes that have already been cast. Where are my good black friends? McCain calls everyone that isn't his friend - his friend, so I don't feel the least bit like a hypocrite with my black friend comment. Look, no one I know and no one I want to know has blacks as their friends. Who does? Those people that do still cringe deep down even if they don't want to admit it. Nevertheless, I think that it is time for a black man in the White House and time to pimp out the Presidential Limousine. I am waiting for the State of the Union Address to be done in the form of a rap.

Chicken Porn and Booze

It has come to my attention that people think I am a drunk and a chicken porn lover. First of all, I hate chickens and the only fantasies I have about them is eating them. Secondly, I will admit that I love wine, but I would never regardless of my lack of soberness spit seeds at Jews. I am a Jew, I love Jews and I would never jeopardize my relationship with my Judiasm. Would you?

My New Hero....

....Imus. That's right I said it. Can you handle it? I love Imus. I listen to him in the morning when I am having my cereal with soy milk that my Mommy and I eat together. Imus says it like it is and I can relate to that. For instance, the new phrase that I have taken from him is "racism is a luxury". Another words, none of us want Obama, whom are we kidding, but what choice do we have???

The Debate

Well, my friends (a phrase, which McCain stole from me and has overused), I watched the ill fated debate last night. It was comical to see how upset McCain was. I do have some advice for McCain for the next debate. First of all, leave Joe out of it. He didn't do anything to you and don't try to put him between you and Obama. You sound like a bitter divorced old woman who uses her children for attention and as leverage against her ex-husband. Secondly, take a Tums or a Zantac before the next debate. The indigestion on national television is hardly becoming. Thirdly, take a Nitroglycerin before the next debate. At points I thought that you were going to have a heart attack with your anger. Fourth, take a Xanax, I'm sure you can find one and other goodies like that in your wife's purse. It might make you seem a little less than the old, stubborn hot head we all know deep down that you are. Finally, I am observing how angry and downright mad you get at Obama and at losing this election and it makes me wonder how are you going to be in negogiating with foreign leaders when you don't get your way. You are like a little kid having a temper tantrum and then apologizing after the fact. It's growing old much like you. Oh, one more thing the public financing for your campaign. I think you need to mention how you almost lost your bid for the race entirely when you totally mismanaged and overspent your funds before New Hampshire. To sum it up, "Congratulations, John, you just lost an election to a black man".

Who in the Hell is Joe?

Joe-Six-Pack
Joe, the Plumber
Joe the Small Business Owner
Say it Ain't so Joe
and my personal favorite McCain proclaiming, "Congratulations, Joe you are rich!"

I want to meet this so called person named Joe. Does he live on Main Street or Wall Street? Why do his needs keep coming up in this campaign? My theory is that the people named Joe have formed a lobby group and are trying to convince the candidates to meet their needs. My God can one of these candidates stop using Joe to further their ideology. It's sickening. All the Maui's of the World need to unite and put an end to this Joe Lobbying Group. Our voice needs to be heard.

Drugs and God

Why is it that after a person has used drugs or committeed a crime he or she finds God? I know many of you are wondering that too. We all have the pothead cousin or worse and wonder when their addiciton will cease. No need to wonder anymore. I am going to give you a timeline that you can go by in order to help you. First, the drug use starts in their teens or early twenties. Next they fail at college or do not even go - what a surprise, I know. Next, they are in their 30's and still losers. But right around 40 something starts to change. The booze and drugs have begun to take a toil and they are overweight and look like hell. In addition the people whom they did their drugs with have either died from an overdose or got married in their 30's and cleaned up their act. So, the friends to get high with are now gone and they are left with their drugs and their cat. It is at this time that God Almighty steps in to assist. Now, they need a new social outlet and they begin finding Jesus. Rather quickly Jesus begins to replace the drug addiciton. They are getting high with God now, instead of their loser friends. What's even better they want you to join them! DO NOT join them - going to church and worshipping an imaginary friend can never lead to anything productive. Instead of making a change that actually requires effort - like going to school, getting a job, losing weight or setting a fitness goal, they are still looking for a "quick fix". Finding God is not genuine not to mention religion and it's crazy rituals is absolutely absurd. Now, you have a timeline to put on your fridge with someone's name and picture next to it. Of course, there are those addicts who switch it up in their 40's and realize prescription drugs are the way to go. These sicko's may also find God, but they feel that they have kicked their habit because they are now under a "doctor's care".

My Friends

My friends, I'm putting it out there that I want Senator McCain to have a full mental evaluation. I question several things. First I feel that he is displaying the early signs of Alzheimer's Disease by some of his responses in his last debate with Obama. At one point he said that Social Security is an "easy thing to fix". If it is so easy, then why in his 26 years as Senator has he failed to propose one bill to "fix it". I think that he forgot that he was a Senator when he made that comment. Then he went into his feelings on Iraq and how he's not going to lose this war. This statement brings up his several mental health issues - first his anger management issues, second his failure to grasp reality, third his memory and finally, his hostility and possible flashbacks. Senator McCain gives me the impression that he is talking in a low voice like someone does when they are beyond the point of angry and that he will snap any second when he addressed the audience. But that aside, how can he be that out of touch with Americans? We have not won a war since the World Wars or has McCain forgotten that in his quest to emulate Teddy Roosevelt. Third, his fascination with trying to avenge Vietnam has to stop. This prisoner of war business has really gone to his head. Therefore, I implore Senator McCain to seek help and check himself into the nearest mental hospital. As an added bonus, it will give him yet another reason to suspend his campaign as he keeps trying to do.

Daddy Likes Old People

What in God's name is wrong with my Daddy that he would take my Mommy to an old people luncheon with old lady entertainment? I'm not talking about an old lady stripper - luckily. No, worse an old lady who thinks that she is funny with her stories. Luckily, my Mommy had enough sense to not force me to go even though Daddy was making her go. Apparently, she went to a luncheon at a country club, where they had an old lady comedian who told stories. I know - why Daddy thought this event would be a good time is beyond me, perhaps, he was drunk at the time he said that they would go. I don't know. When you tell a funny story, here are some guidelines to follow:
1. Make it short - no need to go on and on - you lose your audience
2. Make it have a point - if I need to explain this one we are in trouble..
3. Create it - if I hear one more Reader's Digest story someone is going to harmed.
4. Finally, if it's supposed to be funny then make it funny!
I feel bad that my Mommy wasted her afternoon and was by far the youngest person in the room by several decades.

Freedom and My Bailout

I thought the Constitution and the Bill of Rights was supposed to protect me from crazy, lunatics who want to control my life. Well, it didn't work with the Dickister or the Big Dick as I like to call him, otherwise known as our current Vice President. So, I guess I should be little surprsied to think that it would protect me from my new vet either. I was all excited yesterday to get in the Jeep, I thought we would go offroading, a favorite past time of mine, or pull up next to small little cars where I can look down and yell obscenities, but it was not to be. I ended up at the vet in my knapsack. I was stunned. Next thing I knew I was sweep up, felt up and having my private area exposed and touched. I did not appreciate this treatment by a total stranger and especially, in front of my Mommy of all people. I just thank my lucky stars that Daddy wasn't there because he would have started laughing and pointing and I just don't need that. Next thing before I could start swearing I was taken to another room where my wings where clipped and my claws trimmed. When we finally got into the Jeep, I didn't have the strength to antagonize the other drivers on the rode. I could hardly keep my eyes open. BUT now that I am home I find that my diet has been completely changed, so I am protesting and not eating it at all. Therefore, friends I am begging you to send your money to me and help me be able to eat again. I will only take cash given the economy. Help me with my bailout program.

Gosh, Darn It!

Well, I have tried to not skew my reader's viewpoints in terms of the election and held my tongue if you will. BUT I cannot take it any longer. After watching last night's debate, I became confused as to whether it was a debate or a pageant. I was waiting for her talent portion and how she hopes to achieve "world peace and work with small children". Isn't that every priest's motive for their profession? But I digress. Another thing - winking at the camera if it had not been for censors I think that she would have flashed everyone next. Perhaps, the next debate should be on HBO, so that we can really see her credentials. I have feeling that she would be very comfortable doing that. Is McCain trying to capture the Hillary vote? Well, gosh darn it I don't think it's going to work. I would like to suggest a new theme for Palin whenever she comes out on the stage "If I Only Had a Brain". In the meantime I'll be seeing Sara Palin at the hockey rink or the delivery room, where she is in her element.