Tiger Woods

Another black man crashes his Caddy at 2 AM, why is this news? It's just pathetic that everyone is so taken with a black golfer with a white wife and children. He seems like every rapper around, but dressed in polo shirts. Every time I put the news on I keep hearing how Tiger is sorry for he's actions, whom is he kidding? We all know that the only thing he is sorry about is the damage caused to his free Caddy. It will only be a matter of time until we know what substance was in his blood stream at the time of the accident. I have my money on alcohol, unless of course at 2 AM he was on his way to his dealer.....

Mortifying Daddy and I Love It

So, I keep recieving reports from my eyes in the sky about Daddy and Nini. The latest is she gets herself up on the hatchback part of the car behind the back seat in the rear window and then spreads her legs for all cars passing by. Daddy is simply mortified by this behavior as cars pass him and smile and wave at him. I take great joy in knowing that Daddy is crossing state lines, on major highways and side roads with Nini in the back spread eagle for all to see.

NiniNO

I can feel the anxiety in my Daddy's voice as he yells, "Ninino" all one word. He yells it so much that the little rat must think her name really is Ninino. This scene is then followed by a lecture from my Daddy to my Mommy of how "he's never seen an animal either so dumb or so defiant or dominant and not willing to please it's master". See Daddy how smart and willing to please I am. I have learned all of my tricks without food as a motivator and I don't lick my own ass. I bathe daily. The only time Daddy and I get "into it" is when I decide to bite down on his finger and then he flings me into the air, but I look at that more as a little game of bonding between my Daddy and me.

Bathing

Why I even need to discuss this topic is beyond my comprehension! I bathe on a daily basis...my Mommy runs the water in the sink and it pools into a nice little puddle and I inch down on my towel and stand under the refreshing shower. It has come to my attention that Daddy is debating when to give pissface (Nini) a bath. How is this topic even up to debate? First of all she stinks if the wind blows just right I can get a whiff of it up here....it's a mixture of fish, piss, wet dog and dry dog all together. The mere description of it makes me gag. She turns my stomach and to think where that tongue has been just kills me. I hope that Daddy stops debating and just gives her once monthly bath!

Getting My Drink On

Those are Nini's words....it has come to my attention that the dog drinks beer. How totally American? My god she should go on a Budweiser ad...I can see it now. They catch Nini licking her ass and then show the beer next to her and say something like"This bud's for you". Can you imagine? The sad thing is most beer drinkers would find it funny and be encouraged to continue their crass behavior. I'm a wine drinker myself and a refined one at that. I could never go to a Happy Hour sit outside with my Daddy and sip a Bud. The mere thought of it makes me want to puke.

Let's Talk Tricks

I do several of them and I didn't even need to be "trained" with food. I just caught on to them very quickly. Now, Nini, on the other hand is another story. I heard through the grapevine that Daddy is trying to teach her "paw" to no avail. How sad is that? Daddy says it and grabs her paw at the same time and she just stares blankly at him. Tell me whom is more intelligent?? I think that it is obvious. I am smarter than her and Daddy combined yet I sit here in the freezing cold without my Mommy and look out the window at dead grass.

Out of Shape

I heard from the hawks circling yesterday that Daddy and Mommy took Nini to the tennis court to let her run around, what a scene that must have been. Supposedly, the little rat chased the ball for all of a minute and then ran in circles around the net like an alligator was chasing her only to finally have her tongue dragging on the ground with the rest of her body. I hope that Daddy was embarassed to tears by that display. Then I heard that she couldn't even make it down the hall to her condo, Daddy had to carry her sorry ass. She yawned her way through the rest of the day and then she was asleep in my Mommy's arms by 7. She couldn't even make it through the Wheel, not that she would be able to solve any of the simple puzzles. I won't even waste my time with that show I save my intelligence for Jeopardy.

Daddy Sunning Himself

I hear that Daddy is living it up in Florida laying out by the pool and getting his drink on, while I sit here in a back room with Truffles. I heard he may not back until after Christmas the balls of him. While I sit here and freeze, he has that little Italian rat with him in the sun. I can't stand it and from what I hear all he does is yell at her and shake his head. She is too dumb to even learn "paw". I mean I know tricks and this thing only knows to lick her own ass. What kind of trick is that? It's gross is what it is. The first time I saw it it was like going by a horrific accident where you know that you shouldn't look, but you just can't help it.

Madoff

Madoff gives all Jews a bad name. Who steals from his own? A Jew that's whom and I pity the people who didn't know better. I know that they claim that they are victims. Come on??? Am I supposed to feel sorry for people who were already wealthy and greedy? We birds have learned less is more. We keep simple homes with fabulous views and prefer our freedom, rather than being tied down with stuff.

It's that Time of Year

When I literally try to hide in my cage, until the coast is clear. That's right, it's Thanksgiving, where my cousins will meet their death in order to save the rest of us. Hitler did have a lasting effect across the oceans. Well, I'm here in Grafton wondering if I am dinner on Thursday. I"m trying to be optimistic, but I know the odds are not in my favor - what better way to get rid of a guest than to cook him? If only Nini were here, the licking her ass and chasing her tail would surely distract them from me.

Balls

....that's the only word to describe my Daddy today. He had the balls to come in and see me one last time as he is packing up to go to Florida. Of course, I screamed at the mere sight of him and nearly fell off my perch when he said "it's Daddy". Does the man think that I am stupid? I know who he is - who does he think I see in my nightmares every night, besides Nini? I get it pack up leave me here in Grafton while you go off and sun it. How pathetic is Daddy? He's Irish I give him 10 minutes in the sun. It's alright I don't want to go anyway. I can't imagine being held up in that tiny Mazda with that crowd - Daddy who drives into curbing, Nini whom I've nicknamed Pissface for obvious reasons, and Mommy with her leg out. NO THANKS!

The Differences are too Great!

I can't do it. There's no way I can tolerate a staunch, stubborn Roman Catholic. I am now in Grafton and am realizing how much better it is without the Catholic around me all the time. Typical of any religious nut, if you give her an inch she'll take a mile and act like it's you who is crazy. She goes around all day with a look of innocence when I know that she's really plotting to kill the Jew in the room. I can see it by the look in her eye. Of course, Mommy and Daddy are obilivous to the religious tension that she is causing. I don't dare mention temple I think that will make her growl turn into a bite. I sleep with one eye open and slowly peak out of my chambers to see where she is. Everyone thinks it's a joke and then a bomb goes off.

Off to Florida

Would you believe that they are going to Florida and more importantly that I am not? That's right the little white rat can go and I the tropical bird has to stay up North in the cold and snow. It's not even natural. Nini won't appreciate going there like I would not to mention that she doesn't even know where she is half the time anyway. It's pathetic. I can't stand how she has manipulated her way into the car and I am left out on the street. From now on her and Daddy are to address me as Mr. Feldman and are not to make direct eye contact with me. I will view such action as a challenge and will unleash my built up hostility on each of them. I am just shocked to my core and yet not surprised that Daddy is being led by something that licks its own ass.

Children and Dogs

Well, I am pulling my feathers out over the dog only to find out that my Mommy is going to be an aunt in January and April. What is happening? Is this the end of the world first a dog and now I will have cousins. I refuse to do diaper duty, just like I refuse to let that dirty dog near me, especially after I see what it licks not to mention it pees at will. Even I a simple bird have semi-learned to poop on command. I'm not an animal. At night I retire to my chambers only to wake up to see that dirty thing in the bed. It turns my stomach, so I try to startle it into peeing by screaming. I am practicing when it's not here the exact pitch that will evoke pee. How I'd love it to pee right in front of Daddy who thinks that he is the next Caesar with that little rat. Nothing would give me greater pleasure then to rub Daddy's nose in it.