Hello dear friends - as many of you know the New Hampshire Primaries will soon be upon us. I watched on the news today how the candidates are trying to create a social atmosphere at the polls, serving refreshments and food. While that is all fine and dandy, my enemies the seagulls and pigeons are planning a ground and air attack on people possibly voting for Ohbama, Ohsama, Ohwhocares for president. The pigeons and seagulls have undergone intense military training including; spot flying drills, carbohydrate loading diets and defecating drills with precise accuracy. People who will be targeted include those voters with Ohbama bumper stickers. They will return to their cars to a lovely present left by a pigeon at their driver's side door and will also be personally targeted while entering and exiting the polls as will their cars by air from the seagulls. Now you maybe asking yourself what if there voters are in congenito and not displaying any Ohbama propaganda. Very intelligent question and those people are going to be targeted based on the following criteria:
Appearance - color of skin being obvious, generally unkept, baggie pants, sideturned baseball caps
Automobile - any custom detailing, rims being the big tip off
Jewelry - thick gold chains or pinky rings
Music - rap and blaring as the two go hand in hand
Language - besides the given "motherfucker" and "yo, nigger" every two seconds, volume in which said words are spoken, wrong verb tenses "you is" and poor grammar in general
When will these people and Ohbama realize that they call the White House that for a reason. It's not meant to serve as your crib! My God I am so outraged that Ohbama is even an issue for the New Hampshire primaries. I thought it would have been resolved by now, but I guess that is partly my fault as I did not mount earlier attacks.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Medicated Mommies
Recently, I have been noticing that there are great deals of young Mommies who I believe require immediate medication in order to force them into reality. I am finding in my travels that these Mommies meet the following criteria:
They are in their mid 30's.
They had a "hard time" getting pregnant, which in my mind means that they had a hard time finding a donor who would marry them.
They have only one child.
They are control freaks!
They are highly emotional and stupid - crying over things that have zero relevance with regards to their child.
They call the day care where "little whatever" is housed during the day, so Mommy can "have it all" numerous times throughout the day
That phone call is usually followed with one to their husband - imagine how thrilled he is!
They are heavy - never managing to lose the "baby weight" and failing to mention that they were always heavy and one has nothing to do with the other.
They have several pictures of the "little angel" at work, but none of the donor just the child alone.
They talk about what the "cute nothing thing" that the child did while at work and fail to realize that everyone is sick and tired of hearing about your child and why it is so great and why you think because it can count to five it will be the next world leader.
They never ask you how you are doing because they are obsessed with themselves, food and the child in that order.
Uh, I can't take it anymore! I wonder how these Mommies are going to function when the child ventures out in the world and has a relationship and Mommy is no longer first on the list. But then I think it probably will not be an issue because these type of Mommies have made the child into a socially inept adult.
They are in their mid 30's.
They had a "hard time" getting pregnant, which in my mind means that they had a hard time finding a donor who would marry them.
They have only one child.
They are control freaks!
They are highly emotional and stupid - crying over things that have zero relevance with regards to their child.
They call the day care where "little whatever" is housed during the day, so Mommy can "have it all" numerous times throughout the day
That phone call is usually followed with one to their husband - imagine how thrilled he is!
They are heavy - never managing to lose the "baby weight" and failing to mention that they were always heavy and one has nothing to do with the other.
They have several pictures of the "little angel" at work, but none of the donor just the child alone.
They talk about what the "cute nothing thing" that the child did while at work and fail to realize that everyone is sick and tired of hearing about your child and why it is so great and why you think because it can count to five it will be the next world leader.
They never ask you how you are doing because they are obsessed with themselves, food and the child in that order.
Uh, I can't take it anymore! I wonder how these Mommies are going to function when the child ventures out in the world and has a relationship and Mommy is no longer first on the list. But then I think it probably will not be an issue because these type of Mommies have made the child into a socially inept adult.
Essay Update
Well, let me just say how disappointed I have been in the entries submitted thus far with regards to the essay. Therefore, I am changing the criteria for future submissions.
First each essay must be submitted with the following:
A picture of you and your so called family
A picture of the shack you call a palace
A picture of the car you drive, which I know is your pride and joy
Dental records including those of your "livestock"
A picture of my living quarters and the staff that will be catering to my every demand
A picture of your television - the one you have indoors
Finally, the entry fee is being increased to a nonrefundable, Bank Check of $150
Good luck to all future entrants!
First each essay must be submitted with the following:
A picture of you and your so called family
A picture of the shack you call a palace
A picture of the car you drive, which I know is your pride and joy
Dental records including those of your "livestock"
A picture of my living quarters and the staff that will be catering to my every demand
A picture of your television - the one you have indoors
Finally, the entry fee is being increased to a nonrefundable, Bank Check of $150
Good luck to all future entrants!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Essay Requirements
As you may know my Mommy is leaving for the month of February for warmer places. I will be left up here in the cold ALONE. I am very social and therefore, can not be left to my lonesome. In order to prevent this situation I am asking you to write a 500 word essay to be submitted by midnight Eastern Standard time January 15, 2008 discussing why you think you are worthy of my company for the month.
The rules are as follows:
Proper grammar and vernacular will be weighed as heavily if not more so than content.
Must include statements with reference to the following subjects:
Religion - what yours is, why and how you practice it
Politics - who should be President and 5 reasons why
Diet - what yours consistents of and if you think that I will like it
Television - what programs do you watch
Books - list 5 books that you have read in the last 2 months and a general summary of each
Magazines - what ones do you subscribe to and why
Pets - if you have any and will they be able to withstand when I mount my attack
Films - what foreign films are your top 5 favorites and why and the last time you attended the Cannes Film Festival
Languages - that you can speak in and read other than English
Must be typed, notarized, 5 copies 2 of which must be 3 hole punched.
Those papers submitted without a cover letter will immediately be shredded upon receipt.
Each essay must be submitted with a Bank Check for $50, a portion that I deem appropriate will be allotted to my temple.
Good Luck to all participating! The winner will be announced on my blog. On another note in all likelihood my Daddy is going to take care of me, but it is always good to know where I can go to vacation.
The rules are as follows:
Proper grammar and vernacular will be weighed as heavily if not more so than content.
Must include statements with reference to the following subjects:
Religion - what yours is, why and how you practice it
Politics - who should be President and 5 reasons why
Diet - what yours consistents of and if you think that I will like it
Television - what programs do you watch
Books - list 5 books that you have read in the last 2 months and a general summary of each
Magazines - what ones do you subscribe to and why
Pets - if you have any and will they be able to withstand when I mount my attack
Films - what foreign films are your top 5 favorites and why and the last time you attended the Cannes Film Festival
Languages - that you can speak in and read other than English
Must be typed, notarized, 5 copies 2 of which must be 3 hole punched.
Those papers submitted without a cover letter will immediately be shredded upon receipt.
Each essay must be submitted with a Bank Check for $50, a portion that I deem appropriate will be allotted to my temple.
Good Luck to all participating! The winner will be announced on my blog. On another note in all likelihood my Daddy is going to take care of me, but it is always good to know where I can go to vacation.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Tricks Mommy and Daddy Can Do
Hello my friends and enemies... I am so excited because I have taught my Mommy and Daddy some fabulous tricks that they can do with me.
First, I taught my Mommy "step up" where she puts out her finger and says "step up" and I proceed to oblige.
From there we went on to "kiss". Finally, my Mommy got that when I reach for her it's not always for a bite. She says "give me a kiss or give Momma a kiss (which I think is sissyish) or any variation thereof" and I gently grab her lip with my beak.
Next her and Daddy had to master "bob" where they bob their head up and down on command and then I mimic them. I sometimes do it without them doing it first, but I am still making sure that they have grasped that trick.
Lastly, I have taught my Daddy "dancey" where I move my shoulders from side to side. Again, I let him do it first to prove that he understands after he says it and then I do it. My Mommy is having a hardier time with this one than I anticipated, but with some practice she too will do "dancey" with me.
If you have anymore tricks that you can suggest to occupy Mommy and Daddy, please put them in the comment field. I am desperate!
First, I taught my Mommy "step up" where she puts out her finger and says "step up" and I proceed to oblige.
From there we went on to "kiss". Finally, my Mommy got that when I reach for her it's not always for a bite. She says "give me a kiss or give Momma a kiss (which I think is sissyish) or any variation thereof" and I gently grab her lip with my beak.
Next her and Daddy had to master "bob" where they bob their head up and down on command and then I mimic them. I sometimes do it without them doing it first, but I am still making sure that they have grasped that trick.
Lastly, I have taught my Daddy "dancey" where I move my shoulders from side to side. Again, I let him do it first to prove that he understands after he says it and then I do it. My Mommy is having a hardier time with this one than I anticipated, but with some practice she too will do "dancey" with me.
If you have anymore tricks that you can suggest to occupy Mommy and Daddy, please put them in the comment field. I am desperate!
Tackiest Christmas Decorations Contest
Am I alone in noticing the wonderful Christmas decorations that surround us every year? I do not think so.
However, in this joyous time I can not help but also observe the tackiest decorations as well. Therefore, I have a created a contest with the first prize winner and prize to be announced New Year's Day. I have developed criteria including what gets you a first round buy.
Automatic First Round Buy Criteria Consist of One or More of the Following:
Lights that flash
Lights that are in a streamer
Lights that are all of one color except white, but especially blue
Lifesize snow globes both light and unlight
Anything lifesize and if fallen over that sends you to the second round
Rooves decorated
All 4 sides of a house
Just the front middle section of bushes - although this may not sound worthy of a first round buy remember quantity not quality here counts!
Decorations left up all year round will automatically disqualify you for each year that they are in place.
I will announce the winner in due time. If you have a house or mobile home that you have seen in your travels please submit the following:
Address
Picture
Whether or not they are of any relation to you - full disclosure.
If you helped to decorate it.
However, in this joyous time I can not help but also observe the tackiest decorations as well. Therefore, I have a created a contest with the first prize winner and prize to be announced New Year's Day. I have developed criteria including what gets you a first round buy.
Automatic First Round Buy Criteria Consist of One or More of the Following:
Lights that flash
Lights that are in a streamer
Lights that are all of one color except white, but especially blue
Lifesize snow globes both light and unlight
Anything lifesize and if fallen over that sends you to the second round
Rooves decorated
All 4 sides of a house
Just the front middle section of bushes - although this may not sound worthy of a first round buy remember quantity not quality here counts!
Decorations left up all year round will automatically disqualify you for each year that they are in place.
I will announce the winner in due time. If you have a house or mobile home that you have seen in your travels please submit the following:
Address
Picture
Whether or not they are of any relation to you - full disclosure.
If you helped to decorate it.
Christmas Dinner
I find it odd that I have been invited to so many Christmas gatherings, considering I am Jewish. Not that I do not love a good egg nog, but I am afraid that there some people that I am going to have to say no this year.
The list of NO's goes as follows:
I will not be going to my Southern cousin's "Get Down and Dirty, It's Christmas" - for obvious reasons.
I will also not be attending any religious gatherings - Midnight Mass as it is past my bedtime.
In addition I have been invited to a "gay gathering" - Frankie can go alone to that one as he does not know what my problem is.
The gorilla invited me to break bread with her, however, it would require me to be racially tolerant and that is a sure NO.
Lastly, I will not be going to anyone's dinner where there are serving any form of poultry!
The list of NO's goes as follows:
I will not be going to my Southern cousin's "Get Down and Dirty, It's Christmas" - for obvious reasons.
I will also not be attending any religious gatherings - Midnight Mass as it is past my bedtime.
In addition I have been invited to a "gay gathering" - Frankie can go alone to that one as he does not know what my problem is.
The gorilla invited me to break bread with her, however, it would require me to be racially tolerant and that is a sure NO.
Lastly, I will not be going to anyone's dinner where there are serving any form of poultry!
Christmas Gifts
Last year, I donated your Christmas gifts to "charity" and frankly, it was a tedious task. I do not have the time necessary to take your cumbersome Christmas gifts to "charity".
This year I am demanding that you send them to my post office box that I have set up for your gifts to dropped to. The address is PO Box 212, Worcester, MA 01604. I will then take your gifts and sell them on EBay and then donate a percentage of the money that I deem appropriate to "charity".
This year I am demanding that you send them to my post office box that I have set up for your gifts to dropped to. The address is PO Box 212, Worcester, MA 01604. I will then take your gifts and sell them on EBay and then donate a percentage of the money that I deem appropriate to "charity".
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Bipolar and Why I Think I Am
First of all, as you can probably tell by now I am highly intelligent. As a bird genius, I am naturally more suspectible than the general public to mental problems. I constantly need mental stimulation, whether it is completing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle in pen or nibbling on a delicious slice of pizza with extra garlic - I must constantly be kept busy. I have been working with my Mommy to teach her the simplest of tricks - for instance, do you realize the amount of training it takes for her to put out her finger and say "step up". You can't believe that that one took a week for her to master. Naturally, my patience over the past few days has been wearing thin with her.
My Daddy came in the other day and I totally lost it with him. I don't know if it was because Mommy drained all of my energy or if I hadn't had enough wine that day, but I went crazy when I saw him. Something came over me and I began violently acting out towards him. The next day we spent the day together and everything was fine, but then he left me alone with Mommy for just a little bit and I had to keep her entertained. When he got back, I again went crazy. I am not sure if I am bipolar or frustrated with my Mommy's stupidity and am taking it out on him. Can anyone in the mental health field render an opinion?
My Daddy came in the other day and I totally lost it with him. I don't know if it was because Mommy drained all of my energy or if I hadn't had enough wine that day, but I went crazy when I saw him. Something came over me and I began violently acting out towards him. The next day we spent the day together and everything was fine, but then he left me alone with Mommy for just a little bit and I had to keep her entertained. When he got back, I again went crazy. I am not sure if I am bipolar or frustrated with my Mommy's stupidity and am taking it out on him. Can anyone in the mental health field render an opinion?
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