Bark at Blacks

I already have received my first report in regards to Nini. Apparently, she went to a pet store to get a "Florida crate" and there was an incident. She was fine with all the white patrons in the store. However, when a black policewoman came in the barking and growling started. Oh, she makes me proud. I see that the little time that I have spent with her has been meaningful. It warms my heart to know that she did listen to my rants about blacks she has taken up her crusade against them....big or small....tall or short....in uniform or jail jumpsuits...she will not be deterred in her quest. Daddy, of course, had mixed emotions of embarrassment and awe. He had to discipline her because they were in public and I had forewarned her to be careful Daddy will agree with you in the car and then yell at you in front of others, so that he looks tolerant. What a way to end 2009.

I'm a Victim....

....if I hear it one more time from anyone I'm going to scream. Why is it that people try to make their life out into something it's not? From fake blogs to overreactions it disgusts me. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how great or awful someone else's life is. I take my lesson here from Nini. Dogs are able to assess a situation, deal with it and move on. They don't dwell over it. Humans needs to apply this same practice to their daily lives. Stop running to your husband to fix your woes. I'm single and I deal with everything on my own. I make my own way in the world and I never tell anyone about it. I just deal.

Q-Tipville

That's right I'm back in Chicopee with the old guards whose heads look like giant q-tips. I'm always a little stunned when I first see them. Daddy whisked me in to have Nini immediately starting peeing. I'm being housed in a barn. I won't tolerate unsanitary conditions. Then once she was done, she decided to stand on her hind legs and stare into my cage. This behavior won't be tolerated. I haven't slept very well the last few days with Daddy and now I've been transported to the other end of the state. I'm at my biting point.

My Room

So, I was in Grafton with my room all to myself when who should arrive to spend the night, actually a few, but my Daddy. He stinks up the room with his lack of digestion. I was enjoying having some quiet time. No, he insists on having the television and the light on as he reads a book. My guess is he can't read and he is just trying to distract me and Mommy from the real issue at hand. Last night was the last straw. Apparently, Daddy caught a cold, so he was up all night coughing and then he brought in Truffles who decided that panting at 3 AM was the thing to do. I'm exhausted. I didn't get my beauty sleep and today I am en route to Chicopee where God knows I won't get any rest.

Nini's Egg Salad

It has come to my attention that Nini has a signature dish that she makes, which has been handed down from one generation to another. It's her famous egg salad. I find it hard to believe that this dish is not a dig at me. Who but old people eat egg salad? Yet, this youngster is known for it. How ridiculous. I heard Mommy and Daddy talking the other day how Nini loves egg salad and really likes it mayoey. How disgusting! Figures I wouldn't expect anything less repulsive from her.

Freeeezzzinnggg!!!!

I can't take it anymore, I'm from the tropics. I'm not meant to be in this weather even if I am inside. I shouldn't have to look out my window at snow, it's just wrong in every sense. I want to be in Florida and if my Daddy so much as drives one mile on 95-S without me that will be the end of our hate filled relationship. When he comes back, he will find one nasty bird. I am not going to take this treatment anymore. I will lash out.

Ho, ho, ho....

.....that's a phrase Tiger Woods can use all year round. I wonder what is on his Christmas list. I am guessing something for this one and that one and then there's the lawyer fees for this one and that one. I wonder if he does stocking stuffers, I bet he believes in homemade gifts to stuff everyone's stockings with for the holiday. A sprinkle of Tiger in the air, it's the happiest season of all to see an icon fall on his face for the whole world to see. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I just love this time of year.

Pagan Holiday

All your Jesus loving freaks who think Christmas is so religious need a history lesson, including above all Nini Marie Antinori. She's the biggest believer there is with her choir and midnight mass as if she were a nun kissing a preist's ass. It's pathetic not to mention that she dresses up as Santa thinking that it has something to do with Jesus. A typical religious fanatic she doesn't know the history of the holiday. It started as a Pagan holiday and was linked to religion by Saint Nicholas, who on December 6th, that's right not the 25th, gave gifts to good children and nothing to bad children. When the Dutch came to this god foresaken hell hole, they brought the tradition of Saint Nick with them. So, Nini, has to get her facts and her act straight or else I will have to set her straight and it won't be pretty. Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

PS Make sure you worship the retail gods that Christmas is really all about. Thank god I'm a Jew.

All Black Quarterbacks....

.....SUCK! That's right I said it. The two exceptions are Warren Moon and Donovan McNabb, not that I know either of them personally. However, my Daddy claims that they are good. I find this claim hard to believe. My Daddy is partial to McNAbb because "supposedly" he went to Syracuse with him. I find this "supposed" fact hard to believe and harder to collaborate. Since black quarterbacks can't read, they don't know any plays. All they can do is simply run with the ball, a move that they are rather familiar with given their upbringing. How is that anything more than a glorified running back or a common theif? Why does the NFL continue thsi NCAAP experiment. It's clearly not going well, ie Michael Vick. How many dogs did it take to get this man convicted? Only to find now that he is back in the with white big titted chicks hanging all over him. It's a disgrace. I would never want to see Nini licking Vick's ass. I would hate to see it come that even though I despise her mere presence.

You Run, but You Can't...

....well, even Nini knows how the rest of that one goes. Tomorrow they are leaving Florida and returning to the North. God knows why, I am perfectly happy here in the Grafton ward. I hope that they are not coming home to harass me, oh to dream. I know why they are coming home. They are travelling with a devote Catholic and naturally, she has to be "home" to celebrate Christmas. It figures she is Catholic, look at how small her brain is. I'm not at all surprised. So, through the snow and sleet they will travel just to get Nini to her house of worship where she will play with the priest, lucky for her she's not an alter boy and partake in all the ridiculous rituals we call Christmas. I hope that she doesn't embarrass herself at midnight mass, but knowing her it's a given.

Nini is a Racist

I am the last one to criticize a racist. If anything I hold them in high esteem, but I just thought I should make everyone else aware of it. It has come to my attention several times during her stay in Florida. I heard that she "tinkled" when two big black men entered her condo delivering furniture while our Mommy was out in the hall. I can understand her fear and confusion as to why they were bringing in furniture as opposed to removing it, hence, the pee. The next glaring incident was in Broward County when an enormous black women was running across the street. I know the situation as the sea gulls forwarded me the pictures. In this case Nini barked and growled at the woman from the safety of her car. The reason I know that Nini is a racist is because she has been presented with similar situations except that the people were white. She has witnessed white people cross the street and white men visiting the condo and has failed to react. They should have known she would be a white supremacist where she is an all white dog.

Daytime TV

I understand that that little white peeing rat likes to watch television. However, we are not talking newsworthy programs. Instead, we are talking your usual daytime crap. Nini starts her day with Ellen and stares at the television in amazement that a lesbian is smiling and actually seems happy. Next she turns her attention to Dr. Oz. Apparently, this program is one in which we can agree. Who can turn away from a doctor mortifying fat people on national television by pointing out their lab values to the nation? Then Nini takes a nap and recovers a little from that emotional rollercoaster to switch her attention to Dr. Phil. Here she enjoys watching Dr. Phil tell people what losers they are when in reality he himself is a loser with several past business dealings and a marriage that has failed. Just about when she has had enough of Dr. Phil on comes Oprah. Nini and I have daily bets as to how much she has gained since the last episode. I usually win Nini is always under and I'm always within a few ounces. You may wonder how I can know that I am correct. I have birds going through her trash and they report back all the fast food wrappers and from that it is a simple calculation of caloires in verses caloires burned. Any fool could do it except for Nini of course.

Who Called It?

That's right it was me. I said when Tiger first smashed his Caddy into a tree that drugs were involved and low and behold they are. He was admitted for an overdose of Ambien and Vicodin. His drug dealer is a doctor. Sound like another famous black man we all knew? Instead, of hitting high notes Tiger hits little white balls. Why is anyone even surprised that a black man uses drugs? I can't believe this news is shocking to the general public and media.

A Pan Filled with Water

The message is clear when in front of several people a pan is filled with water and people are coaxing me to get into it. Do they think that I am stupid? Clearly, it wasn't for a bath. It was to kill me. Do they think that I have forgotten about Thanksgiving? I am just crossing my wings that I will still be alive when my Mommy and Daddy and that rat come back. Not to mention that it is snowing here. I hope that they are enjoying the sun, while I am in combat mode.

Daddy and Computers

If anyone is looking to learn new swear words, then they should go to work with my Daddy when his computers fail or he can't print something. Of course, it is not just the swearing it's the throwing his hands up in the air and the shaking of his head. It is really quite theatrical and entertaining. I usually just put my head down and keep eating. I find the best approach during this time is to ignore Daddy and deal with him when he is in a calm submissive state. Nini, on the other hand, is not familiar with this scene and she jumps up on Daddy's legs further adding to his level of anxiety and aggravation. I know better, but then again I'm not a dumb dog either.

Tiger Woods

Another black man crashes his Caddy at 2 AM, why is this news? It's just pathetic that everyone is so taken with a black golfer with a white wife and children. He seems like every rapper around, but dressed in polo shirts. Every time I put the news on I keep hearing how Tiger is sorry for he's actions, whom is he kidding? We all know that the only thing he is sorry about is the damage caused to his free Caddy. It will only be a matter of time until we know what substance was in his blood stream at the time of the accident. I have my money on alcohol, unless of course at 2 AM he was on his way to his dealer.....

Mortifying Daddy and I Love It

So, I keep recieving reports from my eyes in the sky about Daddy and Nini. The latest is she gets herself up on the hatchback part of the car behind the back seat in the rear window and then spreads her legs for all cars passing by. Daddy is simply mortified by this behavior as cars pass him and smile and wave at him. I take great joy in knowing that Daddy is crossing state lines, on major highways and side roads with Nini in the back spread eagle for all to see.

NiniNO

I can feel the anxiety in my Daddy's voice as he yells, "Ninino" all one word. He yells it so much that the little rat must think her name really is Ninino. This scene is then followed by a lecture from my Daddy to my Mommy of how "he's never seen an animal either so dumb or so defiant or dominant and not willing to please it's master". See Daddy how smart and willing to please I am. I have learned all of my tricks without food as a motivator and I don't lick my own ass. I bathe daily. The only time Daddy and I get "into it" is when I decide to bite down on his finger and then he flings me into the air, but I look at that more as a little game of bonding between my Daddy and me.

Bathing

Why I even need to discuss this topic is beyond my comprehension! I bathe on a daily basis...my Mommy runs the water in the sink and it pools into a nice little puddle and I inch down on my towel and stand under the refreshing shower. It has come to my attention that Daddy is debating when to give pissface (Nini) a bath. How is this topic even up to debate? First of all she stinks if the wind blows just right I can get a whiff of it up here....it's a mixture of fish, piss, wet dog and dry dog all together. The mere description of it makes me gag. She turns my stomach and to think where that tongue has been just kills me. I hope that Daddy stops debating and just gives her once monthly bath!

Getting My Drink On

Those are Nini's words....it has come to my attention that the dog drinks beer. How totally American? My god she should go on a Budweiser ad...I can see it now. They catch Nini licking her ass and then show the beer next to her and say something like"This bud's for you". Can you imagine? The sad thing is most beer drinkers would find it funny and be encouraged to continue their crass behavior. I'm a wine drinker myself and a refined one at that. I could never go to a Happy Hour sit outside with my Daddy and sip a Bud. The mere thought of it makes me want to puke.

Let's Talk Tricks

I do several of them and I didn't even need to be "trained" with food. I just caught on to them very quickly. Now, Nini, on the other hand is another story. I heard through the grapevine that Daddy is trying to teach her "paw" to no avail. How sad is that? Daddy says it and grabs her paw at the same time and she just stares blankly at him. Tell me whom is more intelligent?? I think that it is obvious. I am smarter than her and Daddy combined yet I sit here in the freezing cold without my Mommy and look out the window at dead grass.

Out of Shape

I heard from the hawks circling yesterday that Daddy and Mommy took Nini to the tennis court to let her run around, what a scene that must have been. Supposedly, the little rat chased the ball for all of a minute and then ran in circles around the net like an alligator was chasing her only to finally have her tongue dragging on the ground with the rest of her body. I hope that Daddy was embarassed to tears by that display. Then I heard that she couldn't even make it down the hall to her condo, Daddy had to carry her sorry ass. She yawned her way through the rest of the day and then she was asleep in my Mommy's arms by 7. She couldn't even make it through the Wheel, not that she would be able to solve any of the simple puzzles. I won't even waste my time with that show I save my intelligence for Jeopardy.

Daddy Sunning Himself

I hear that Daddy is living it up in Florida laying out by the pool and getting his drink on, while I sit here in a back room with Truffles. I heard he may not back until after Christmas the balls of him. While I sit here and freeze, he has that little Italian rat with him in the sun. I can't stand it and from what I hear all he does is yell at her and shake his head. She is too dumb to even learn "paw". I mean I know tricks and this thing only knows to lick her own ass. What kind of trick is that? It's gross is what it is. The first time I saw it it was like going by a horrific accident where you know that you shouldn't look, but you just can't help it.

Madoff

Madoff gives all Jews a bad name. Who steals from his own? A Jew that's whom and I pity the people who didn't know better. I know that they claim that they are victims. Come on??? Am I supposed to feel sorry for people who were already wealthy and greedy? We birds have learned less is more. We keep simple homes with fabulous views and prefer our freedom, rather than being tied down with stuff.

It's that Time of Year

When I literally try to hide in my cage, until the coast is clear. That's right, it's Thanksgiving, where my cousins will meet their death in order to save the rest of us. Hitler did have a lasting effect across the oceans. Well, I'm here in Grafton wondering if I am dinner on Thursday. I"m trying to be optimistic, but I know the odds are not in my favor - what better way to get rid of a guest than to cook him? If only Nini were here, the licking her ass and chasing her tail would surely distract them from me.

Balls

....that's the only word to describe my Daddy today. He had the balls to come in and see me one last time as he is packing up to go to Florida. Of course, I screamed at the mere sight of him and nearly fell off my perch when he said "it's Daddy". Does the man think that I am stupid? I know who he is - who does he think I see in my nightmares every night, besides Nini? I get it pack up leave me here in Grafton while you go off and sun it. How pathetic is Daddy? He's Irish I give him 10 minutes in the sun. It's alright I don't want to go anyway. I can't imagine being held up in that tiny Mazda with that crowd - Daddy who drives into curbing, Nini whom I've nicknamed Pissface for obvious reasons, and Mommy with her leg out. NO THANKS!

The Differences are too Great!

I can't do it. There's no way I can tolerate a staunch, stubborn Roman Catholic. I am now in Grafton and am realizing how much better it is without the Catholic around me all the time. Typical of any religious nut, if you give her an inch she'll take a mile and act like it's you who is crazy. She goes around all day with a look of innocence when I know that she's really plotting to kill the Jew in the room. I can see it by the look in her eye. Of course, Mommy and Daddy are obilivous to the religious tension that she is causing. I don't dare mention temple I think that will make her growl turn into a bite. I sleep with one eye open and slowly peak out of my chambers to see where she is. Everyone thinks it's a joke and then a bomb goes off.

Off to Florida

Would you believe that they are going to Florida and more importantly that I am not? That's right the little white rat can go and I the tropical bird has to stay up North in the cold and snow. It's not even natural. Nini won't appreciate going there like I would not to mention that she doesn't even know where she is half the time anyway. It's pathetic. I can't stand how she has manipulated her way into the car and I am left out on the street. From now on her and Daddy are to address me as Mr. Feldman and are not to make direct eye contact with me. I will view such action as a challenge and will unleash my built up hostility on each of them. I am just shocked to my core and yet not surprised that Daddy is being led by something that licks its own ass.

Children and Dogs

Well, I am pulling my feathers out over the dog only to find out that my Mommy is going to be an aunt in January and April. What is happening? Is this the end of the world first a dog and now I will have cousins. I refuse to do diaper duty, just like I refuse to let that dirty dog near me, especially after I see what it licks not to mention it pees at will. Even I a simple bird have semi-learned to poop on command. I'm not an animal. At night I retire to my chambers only to wake up to see that dirty thing in the bed. It turns my stomach, so I try to startle it into peeing by screaming. I am practicing when it's not here the exact pitch that will evoke pee. How I'd love it to pee right in front of Daddy who thinks that he is the next Caesar with that little rat. Nothing would give me greater pleasure then to rub Daddy's nose in it.

Sidenote

To just explain White and Black Dave - there are 2 Dave's at Dino's (the Italian restaurant we go) and one always wears black hence Black Dave.

Nini Marie Antinori

That's her full name, she's a Catholic and a virgin. I don't think this arrangement is going to work. Now, mind you I have only heard of her through the grapevine as I am still in Grafton. Great, a dog to ruin my days now as if Daddy wasn't enough.

Black Dave

So, I keep hearing that Black Dave only works one night a week and on weekends. I asked my Mommy and Daddy, "well, where is he during the day?" to which they replied he's at the courthouse. Oh, my God!! Why aren't alarm bells ringing in their pee size brains. They claim he works there. Okay, and OJ is just visiting the jail he resides in too. Isn't it obvious he's a career criminal! We all know the lingo for someone on trial - "he's in court, he's at the courthouse." He's out on bail is more like it, which comes as no surprise.

I'm Doomed

They are talking about and looking at a dog, I'm done. I can't deal with something that thinks it's ass is dessert. I put up with adopting Daddy that was one thing, but now a canine. It will be like living in a zoo here if that happens. I am officially out if anything with fur is allowed to live with me. I'm letting everyone know I'm up for adoption again should this talk become more than that. More to follow on the official adoption procedures should we need to cross that bridge.

Imus

My day starts every day with my Mommy turning on the telly to watch Imus on the Fox Business Channel. Could anyone's day start out more vulgar? I can't stand Imus. I know I'm negative, but this man has it down to a science. He's insulting to his guests, audience and co-workers. It's astounding that people watch him religiously, but then again why should I be astounded as I am forced to watch him on a daily basis.

She Puked!

That's right, Daddy's cat friend came in, ate and puked! I blame Daddy. Mommy t0ld him only give her half a can of cat food, but no Daddy gave her the whole can. So, guess what happened. This cat that is starved for more than just affection ate the whole can and HURLED on Mommy's carpet. Mommy didn't get mad, she just told Daddy that it was his fault. My mommy knows how to make me proud.

Metal Sticks

After her soul finding trip to the Rockies, my Mommy came home with metal sticks that she insists on walking with everywhere. My theory is she doesn't really need them and just keeps them around to force Daddy to clean, do laundry, cook, you name it. I think she wants Daddy to realize all that she does. Why she keeps up the act to the point that he has to dress and shower her I don't understand? But, hey everyone's marriage is unique!

White Dave

Supposedly, now my Mommy is such an embrassment that white Dave at her favorite Italian spot is insisting she come in through the kitchen only. He doesn't want all the customers to see her. If I may make a suggestion to white Dave - buy 2 rolls of duck tape. It will save you from her endless chit chat! You will only need one roll, but I could use the other. She doesn't shut up "who's a good boy, pretty, pretty" and then the condescending "wow". It's relentless. I know that poor white Dave would like to just scream like I do, but feels it would be inappropriate. Well, I'm imploring him and others to just scream when she starts. If we all do it, she'll get the hint I hope.

My Mommy Can't Read

I didn't want to believe it at first, I tried to deny it, but I just have to face the reality of the situation - she can't read. Why else would the television be on constantly? It's worse than living with an old person. She starts at 6 AM with Imus of all vile things to start your day with and she wonders why I start my day screaming. Then we have the luxury of breakfast and her leaving me with the telly on, doesn't she get it. I hate the noise. It literally rattles my cage. All day it won't stop. The only possible explanation for it is her inability to read. Good God I hope that she doesn't get hooked on soap opera's next in exchange for the History Channel.

Only A Few Days to Go...

...until I'm rid of them. I can't wait! No more snoring or black pussy threats. Good riddance. I won't have my computer with me, however, and my Mommy cut off my cell phone, so I will be out of touch while they are gone. That's okay. I plan to relax, tear up a new book, antagonize Truffles and be spoiled in Grafton. The only thing is there I can't take a daily bath, so when Daddy and Mommy come home I might be ripe. Oh, well serves Daddy right for not even trying to book me a ticket. He knows that I love to fly.

Daddy's New Car

Daddy finally bought a new car. After he sold his Honda, a whole month went by before he finally purchased a car. I told Mommy this is what happens after you get married - you have to cart Daddy around now. She tried to tell me he was getting a new car, but after a month went by even she couldn't bring herself to say it. Apparently, it's a new Mazda all loaded up and I'm not allowed in it. Oh, welll I don't really care anyway. I prefer the Jeep, I'm up high, I can see and forewarn my Mommy of danger. The Jeep goes more with my take no prisoners personality. Daddy can keep his little hatchback.

Colorado Bound

Thank God they are are leaving me for a whole week and I'm going to go to work camp Grafton. At least it is too cold for me to work in the yard, but I am sure that I will be doing some manual labor in the house. Last time I was there I painted the whole house, this time I may be on a cleaning mission. I hate toilets, but what can I do? I will also have to fight off and scare the mop with hair and eyes known as the family dog, Truffles, which insists on staring up at me. One other time when I was at "camp" the pile of fur sat on me. Can you imagine thinking this is it with a hairy smelly ass in your face? It's inhumane even for a work camp.

I Smell Black Pussy

That's right I smell it because Daddy has encouraged it to come into my living room. Nice, huh? Well, the pussy managed to wander into my room. Luckily, I was in lockdown mode in my house, but I just looked at it speechless. Daddy's threats are less than subtle. The other day he had the Pussy attack a dove outside my window. I screamed bloody murder to save the dove. It's like living with a rapper in your neighborhood you never know what they are going to do you just pray that they will have their base pumping as a warning. I feel afraid constantly and am always looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open. I know that any day now Daddy is going to put the hit out and I will be Pussy meat.

I'm Fat and I Blame Daddy

As I have already announced, I'm fat, but the more I reflect the more I realize that it's Daddy's fault. He goes to this local Italian restaurant and brings me home pizza. He orders a whole pizza for one and wine and chats it up with white and black Dave. Now, first of all I find it uncharacteristically odd that anyone black is allowed in an Italian restaurant, but I digress. Daddy does not seem to find it odd, but then again he's Irish, so he is on thin ice anyway. I have recently had my wings clipped, so I am asking for your help. I need someone to take me to the restaurant so that I can badmouth my Daddy to both white and black Dave and to check out the menu. I think he could order a smaller pizza and not force me to eat the leftovers as part of his overall plot to knock me off my perch.

I'm an American....

...it's official the vet declared it the other day, I'm fat. I might as well as give up my German citizenship and book it to the nearest McDonald's followed by the closest Dunkin 'n Donuts. I apparently have "a belly". Now, my Mommy says "who loves that belly", but I know she doesn't mean that she does. I know it is said in a mean sarcastic way that only you would understand if you knew her not to mention when she says it Daddy stands there laughing at me. I see how it is - I'm just another statistic.

Listen Up Duvall

As we all know and are celebrating Ted Kennedy is dead, and it's not from cirrhosis of the liver as I had waged online. Oh, well it's Mommy's money anyway. I wonder how long he had brain cancer and if that can be used to explain why he left a woman to die in the water - it was the cancer and not the booze in his system. I should be a lawyer. Anyway, I am writing to our mighty black governor to implore him to put me into Kennedy's office. Why not most politicians are bird brains and my lifespan is long. After all, as I read in Newsweek, if you stay in politics long enough you are actually respected. I am respectful now imagine me in 25 years from now. Oh, the things I could do. I could tear to shreds someone's bill - literally. I could take a dump right on their head as they speak and I could scream to be heard. I have power I just need a place to use it. So, listen up al powerful black man, I'm heading to the Hill.

Wedded Bliss....My Beak

Well, here we are just the three of us living in wedded bliss. We are rolling into week 3. I have lunged at Mr. Kirkpatrick and I bang my head whenever he is present. In addition today I finally just had a meltdown. It was just me and my beloved Mommy on the computer. She was doing her thing and I was checking my stocks when out of nowhere I launched an attack. I bite her finger and drew blood then I went for her stomach, someone has to give her the hint, next I went back to her finger and held on for dear life. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't help it. I think I miss my Mommy and our alone time, so I took it out on her. What can I say? I'm adjusting!

Two Mr. Feldman's

I've decided I have no other choice in this matter as the wedding is tomorrow, I'm going to have to adopt Daddy. What else can I do? The man is nearly 40 and has parents, but seems to be begging me for my last name. Why else would he be marrying my Mommy? It's all a ruse to be closer to me, I can see through it. So, I am having my attorney draw up the papers and that will be my wedding gift to my Daddy. He will now go by Howard Feldman. It has a nice Jewish ring to it and will likely help him with business. Everyone wants an angry, frustrated Jew for his or her attorney, we all know that. Mommy, on the other hand, can go by Tracy Kirkpatrick - I can't adopt everyone. I just want my Daddy to know that I welcome him with open wings and a sharp beak!

The End is Near

The end of me telling Daddy off and biting him is near, in just 7 days he will be a permanent fixture to relentlessly annoy me. I will have to pretend to be nice to him and interested in his long boring work stories. I will have to cock my head to one side and look at him as he drags on and on . Then I will add a little chirp or scream where appropriate, so that he thinks I am sympathizing with him when what I really want to say is "Daddy get over it, they are old and you are easily annoyed". It will never end, my friends. Next I'm going to be moving from fabulous location to the back woods of a small town. God the torture just won't stop. My hopes of aggravating Daddy to the breaking point have been dashed now. I may have to turn to drinking to pass the remainder of my days.

Big Pussy

That's right I saw a big pussy at my window. Of course, my first reaction was to scream, which I promptly did and continued even after it left. It stared at me with wide open eyes in amazement as if it had never seen anything of my beauty before it. My Mommy explained to me that the Big Puss, as I have nicknamed it, will likely return and stare at me in the future and possibly bring friends. As a precaution I contacted my local rabbi to come over and cast a curse on the Big Puss and to pray for me. One can never be too sure. I am going to sleep as they say with one eye open just in case. I won't tolerate being gawked at in my own home, much less by pussy.
So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to rid myself of the Big Puss, I would be much obliged and am okay if it involves a "convenient accident" or a priest.

Harvard Professor

Professor Gates was arrested for breaking into his home and he seems surprised. Let's see if he weren't arrested then he would claim that the police are underfunded and aren't able to protect his neighborhood. You can't win with this man. Now, he's playing the race card. Give me a break - I love him acting stunned that the police officers are employing racial profiling. It's just ridiculous to think that because he is a Harvard professor he should be treated any differently than any other black man breaking and entering. God, I am so sick of blacks who don't want to socialize with other blacks playing the race card when they themselves don't want to associate with "their kind". It's absurd. His wife is white and he has tried to separate himself from his blackness until it's to his advantage!

I Have COUNSEL!!!

That's right! I hope my Daddy reads this and weeps! If you click under comment on the prenup post, you will see a comment from my counsel. I am slightly concerned as to the terms of the agreement. I am not quite sure what my counsel means that having "Howie's cooking will be a conflict of interest". Does this mean that Daddy is going to cook me and serve me to my counsel on a silver platter as he is always threatening to do? I am confused by that comment, but I am just going to tell myself that it's nothing and encourage Daddy to eat out more.

Prenuptials

My Mommy and Daddy are not having a prenup amongst themselves, but I am demanding one. First off with the complicated adoption papers as can only be expected when you cross species adopt and the religious differences, I need to ensure that I will not lose any of my precious assets that I have entering this arrangement. Therefore, I am asking for your help to find me independent counsel for the adoption paperwork and prenup. Items that are non negogitable in the prenup are as follows: my house, my jungle gym, my cozy, and most importantly my nest. I am willing to compromise on the remote when Larry King is not on CNN. I am also williing to compromise on my diet. I see no need to eat just seed when I can have dinner with Mommy and Daddy, especially when Daddy cooks. I also do not need to dig my claws in when it comes to sharing the computer. I can be on the keyboard as he surfs the web, Mommy and I work fine that way. Finally, I am willing to allow Daddy to sleep in my room as long as he does not talk or look at me between 9 PM and 7 AM.

The Move In Date

It's fastly approaching and in preparation for my Daddy to move in I have started practicing the following safety precautions.

1. I will never have my back to Daddy as that is when he can do something scary to me. As a result, I have been doing drills where I turn around fast and keep my balance.

2. I will never have my head turned down with Daddy around. In order to practice this one I quickly raise my head from my tummy or back when I am preening myself, so I won't get dizzy anymore should I need to do it in real time.

3. I will always bath with the bathroom door open. Usually, I prefer it shut for privacy, but privacy can quickly turn lethal. I have been practicing with my Mommy and I am slowly getting comfortable with someone seeing me while I bath.

4. I have been practicing staring at myself in the mirror and random strangers that pass by. The goal of this one is to never blink when Daddy tries to "stare me down".

My hope is that I am simply overreacting to him moving in, but one can never be too sure.

MJ's the New Jesus

That's right you read it correctly from now I will no longer take the Lord's name in vein. In the future when I become agitated, angry or just want to make my point I will not yell "goddamn it or jesus christ", instead, I will squawk "MJ or Michael Jackson or the King of Pop". Clearly, it will depend on the severity of the situation at hand as to which I employ at the time. But I want the world and Al Sharpton to know that MJ has reached a new level in my mind.

The 4th of July

Can someone tell me why Americans are constantly in need of a day off or even worse "a me day"? You people hardly work 40 hours a week and you sit on your bar stools and complain about how hard you've got it. I suggest you try searching for your food and shelter on a daily basis and then tell me how hard you've got it. I don't have to worry about those things, but there are plenty of other birds that I ignore that do. Whew, I realize that I got side tracked. I can't stand the dynamite in the sky. I hate the fourth of July and everything it represents. Dynamite, beer and burgers - disgusting and then you Americans wonder why you look the way that you do?!

Adoption

It's official my Daddy is going to adopt me. He proposed to my Mommy and against my advice she said yes. Now, I am going to lose the remote, my Newsweek, and countless other things that make up my daily routine. I usually go to bed earlier and rise earlier, but with Daddy here now he will keep me up late and get mad if I wake him up. It's a joke. I do not even want to mention the religious differences we each have. I am a stern born again Jew and he is Catholic by punishment. I require temple and my food to be blessed. Daddy won't uphold these sacraments I'm sure. In addition I have no intention of changing my name to "Kirkpatrick" the mere thought of it makes me wretch as it goes against my ethnic and religious upbringing.

Michael Jackson and My Crotch

I am reaching out and down to grab my crotch in memory of the ever talented Michael Jackson. His talent was so far reaching that he didn't need to play an instrument or write lyrics that says a lot about this man. In addition I found out that his children are not biologically his - I am shocked. Who knew a black man didn't produce Swedish/German looking children that would make even Hitler proud? In the next few weeks we will find out much to the astonishment of the media that he was a drug user and in a haze from 1988 until his death. I know what you are thinking a novelity - a black drug addict. I wanted to know why my Daddy wasn't at the Apollo dancing it up and celebrating his life. He told me unlike everyone else there he worked for a living.

Style and Have to Ask Why

So, my mommy went to the Cheesecake Factory last night and met her friend. She didn't bring me back any left overs, but I digress, not that I didn't put in my order before she left. Anyway, she came home and described some of the outfits that she saw when she was waiting. Two shades of lime on one outfit to just name a few. Clothes that don't fit right and rolls exposed. I told her that there are simple rules to fashion and I will share them with you, my loyal reader.
1. Never, but NEVER wear a print. Solid colors only
2. If you wear a crazy color, ie lime or pink, that is the only color that you wear. You offset with white it's not a dress.
3. Wear clothes that fit "squeezing" into anything is never appropriate.
4. For women high heels are a must, they dress up any outfit.
5. Don't wear anything that rests below or above the naval if you can remember Reagan's policies.
6. Hair, please, don't be one of those who can say I have never changed my hair style since high school.
7. Finally, jewelry. Don't bother if it's not real.

Oprah

As my loyal readers know, I hate Oprah for reasons that are obvious. But I think I have finally figured out why people love Oprah, she's the new prophet. You can worship her from the ease of your couch with your Cheetoos and Budweiser and you don't have to put out your butt. No wonder she has so many loyal followers. In addition much like a religious leader she doesn't have to have any kind of scientific proof for what she preaches as gospel. The only thing that throws me in her wide appeal is that she is BLACK. I wouldn't have thought that there would be so many worshippers with that drawback, but then again makes all the more sense why nothing she says is backed by an educated opinion.

When It's Time....

....to go the key is realizing it. For instance with me I know when it's time to go back to my house because I start biting people randomly. In contrast humans have a hard time knowing when it's time to go. Animals are better at realizing when their environment is changing and for sheer survival sake it's time to move on to greener pastures. But humans don't seem to understand that once minorities move into your neighbor they are not leaving and once a camper has it's wheels off it's not moving. The only thing that I can think of is that humans don't want to believe it because they are still able to meet their daily needs even though they may have to install an alarm.

They Call It Grafton

I know that Grafton has not made the record books as a work camp, but let me tell you it is. Last time my Mommy was in Florida I was in the Chicopee state prison, but this time I'm in a work camp, Grafton. We rise at 5 AM and begin our choirs for the day. This week it's painting. I am forced to inhale toxic fumes and dance on command. Then at the end of the day I'm returned to my cell, where I am provided with bread and water. I am forced to listen to Dean Martin, it's a form of torture, noise pollution. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this hectic pace. I am running on nothing everyday. I try to run and hide in my cage, but I am always found.

A New Low

I'm here in Grafton with a guard that wants to eat me. Her name is Truffles and I think that she is a lesbian given that she has a beard that she sports with pride. I digress... Apparently, my "grandpapa" felt that I needed a bath. I take baths in a bathroom sink, where I can easily climb in and out on my towel. Then I am blown dry and allowed to groom my feathers and have a cigarette. Well, that is not the case in Grafton. I am hauled off to an unheated garage, where I am dumped into a kitchen sink. Don't they know that I can't swim? I panic and flap my wings while Truffles jumps out trying to get on the counter, so even if I make it she will eat me. Is it me or have I sunk to a new low?

Libraries

My Mommy is in Florida and I told her that she has to find "safe places", where there are not any black people. Of course, there is the obvious pool or ocean because as we all know they don't swim. Think about it when have you seen Obama in water. He never mentions the White House pool. But my Mommy needs to be able to leave the grounds and find a "safe place" in case of a hurricane. I had my people search for her and they informed me that the safest place is the public library. Again, who bought and read Obama's book - white people who want to feel righteous that's who. So, if you are looking for a safe place where you won't be licked, my mommy's friend, Jim, let us in on the lingo that means "robbed" go to your local library!

Oprah's a Cult Leader

I think I have figured it out - why Oprah is so loved. Besides, the obvious that people are fat, dumb pigs, I think that they are needy. They are looking for their savoir. Oprah is the biggest cult leader of them all. Time and time again what she promotes, especially in the line of books, prove to be complete lies and yet people keep worshipping. Americans for whatever reason want someone to follow. I will never understand it. Newsweek has an article, which lines my cage, about the fall of Christian America. I have a theory - it's because of the rise of Oprah America.

A Reason

I love when people say that there is a reason for something bad happening it ranks right up there with it's God's way. Let me clue you in there isn't "a reason" and God's way is nonexistent. "The reason" is scientific and looking beyond that for a reason is simply absurd. I love when I hear someone say "I have a learning disability" for a reason. And what reason would that be? To make you stupid....it's ridiculous. The reason you have the learning disability is scientifically based and that's where it starts and stops. No one ever challenges someone either when they say they are sick for "a reason". Instead, everyone nods their head and shamefully agrees. Of course, these same people pray for an answer or think that their attitude will make a difference in the outcome. It won't - studies have proven that. But people keep doing it. I often wonder if humans are not the smartest and dumbest animal all wrapped into one. How can they have the ability to reason and yet are so unable to employ it? I just don't understand it. I think in some ways animals are smarter. Although they lack much human intellect, in the same breath that doesn't get in the way of their ability to reason life and death, strong and weak.

I'm Afraid

My Mommy is getting rid of "stuff" as she puts it. I'm not talking trash. She is giving away text books, which I am okay with that. She has cleaned out closets - again I could care less. But now she is rearranging pictures. I have lost some of my artwork near my house. I think though that she has lost it because today she threw out yearbooks, graduation caps and her hood. Who's to say one bad scream from me and I'm not next?

Explosions

No, I'm not talking about 9/11 and besides that was an implosion. Any idiot could see that? Well, I take that back not the ones who still think that we landed on the moon! I'm talking about the next "big thing" - Oprah. I am putting my bird seed down now that by June she will have exploded. I am willing to take wagers on it. My God how much bigger can she get? Gayle, her lover, looks petite next to her. We all know that isn't true.

Tolerant Southerners....

....is there such a thing? Isn't that like a black Republican? I know that they exist and are not just a myth, it seems impossible to "nail" one down so to speak. I guess tolerant would have to mean diverse too. I don't think that is possible in the "deep South", a place where fucking your cousin and your dog are considered normal behavior. You might wonder why I bring this question up today after my holiest of all holidays, Passover. Well, let's say a little birdie told me that they have hummus and syrian food in them there woods. I was amazed that they allowed Arabs in, considering usually one group is allowed to where white sheets. But apparently when it comes to food it's allowed. Religion or diversity is another matter. But when it comes to a little variety from catfish balls and frog legs, they turn to their trusty Arab friend.

Obama and Europe

Who's brilliant idea was it to send a black man to Europe to negotiate? I mean, my God, people the Europeans, particularly the British take pride in owning them not talking to them. No wonder it was tense at first. Not to mention everyone kept checking to make sure that they still had their wallet after shaking hands with Obama.

Air Raids

I suffer from post traumatic Jewish disorder. Therefore, it doesn't take much for me to have an imaginary flash back. It happened the other night. Daddy was cooking and in true fashion he set off the smoke detector, not once, but three times. I knew it was an air raid, accompanied by flashing strobe lights and a loud beeping. I, unlike my Mommy, hit the deck for cover under an end table. She tried to get me to come out, but I'm no fool I wouldn't come out and be exposed to the enemy. So, I stayed under the end table until the air raid ceased. Thank God for my disorder it just saved my life!

HELP!!!!

I am begging you my loyal readers/followers for your help! I keep trying to escape while the guards are out doing yard patrol, you know out getting a gallon of milk. I diveboom to the floor and after I get my bearings I start heading to the door. Now, if any of you have seen how I walk, I'm a bit loopsided. My feet cross over each other, so I can't make good time. I no sooner edge to the door when they come waltzing in with their gallon of milk. At that point I have no other choice, but to make noise and pray that they will hear me and not step on me, not to mention I get the draft of the door and start to rethink my plan. I need someone to get them out long enough for me to make it to the door and I've decided I am going to have a cab waiting. However, I don't carry American money on me. I am asking for your help in distracting them and in raising cab fare. I do not accept checks, gift cards or spare change. I will only accept unmarked bills.

Delusional Kool Aid

Where can I get some? Everyone seems to have their own stash - Bush had it be the case, the Republicans brew it, and people that I know suck it down. Since when did living in a neighborhood with broken windshields and trash in the trees, be spun as a sought after location?
Also, women I have to say that I think by far you are the biggest consumers of it all! Let's start with your views with men "I'll change him", "I can't leave", "he doesn't mean it". What is with this creature that they fail to accept reality when it is staring them right in the face? I think it's a shortcoming and a neediness and the only thing that can explain it is swigging down the Kool Aid. My Mommy and I say "FUCK IT" we are reality bound, regardless, of what the rest of the world is drinking.

The New Milano

I know that you have all heard of it Milano children, but if you haven't let me explain it. A black man or woman gets together with the opposite sex and reproduces children whom the rest of the world refer to as Milano. However, I am going to take the liberty to introduce a new term to replace Milano - it's Obama. Now, we will say that a mix child is an Obama or some may prefer to say the next President. I think this term is more politically correct, although I don't very much care when and whom I offend. My lack of concern grants me a certain freedom!

Stimulate This

So, Obama has a stimulus "package". I don't doubt that being black he has a big stimulus "package", but I don't see the need for him to keep talking about his "package" constantly. Everyone is fixated on Obama's "package" - I think that it is because he is black. No one cared about Bush's "package" when he was in office. You can't run a country based on your "package". Obama needs his advisors to pull him aside and tell him he needs to stop promoting his "package" at every press conference, it's rather tacky.

Flashes and Noise

My Mommy was out in a restaurant and she came home asking me a few questions, so I feel it is my obligation to answer them. She wants to know why cameras are accompanied by noise. I told her, Mommy it's simple using the camera in the restaurant accompanied with a flash doesn't gather enough attention, so the people must accompany by it a loud laugh of some sorts. I don't need to hear and see this sad skeptical when I am dining. And then they will go home and post it on Facebooks for more attention. Cameras in public just make me sad.

Drugs in the White House

I knew that "this" would happen with a black President - drugs! I am making it my mission in life to expose Obama for whom he really is - a drug addict. He quit smoking for Michelle, which I don't for one second believe. It was for campaigning purposes. Now, most of you would think that is good that he quit, regardless of the reason. Okay, if that's your pussy beliefs, whom am I to discourage your from them. However, he has simply replaced his pack of cigarettes with a pack of gum. Nicorette gum - he's been chewing for over a year. Absolutely, not what the gum is designed for at all. It's for short term use. But Obama has been replacing one drug with another his entire life - in high school he did marijuana and if I'm not mistaken cocaine. So, there you have it America is being run by an ADDICT!

Reason and Pulling the Plug

When you eliminate reason, you allow emotion to rule. Reason is black and white, but emotion casts a gray shadow over everything. For example, pulling the plug - I was watching an episode of "Lost" and one of the scenes had someone in a coma, pulling the plug type of situation. Someone made a good point "don't confuse guilt with hope". I think humans too often do that and if they just stepped back and realized that the two are separate and distinct it would be easier to face many of life's toughest decisions.

Emotion

I can't think of any one area that better prays on people's emotions than religion. Politics does it too, but religion has it perfected. Once you are able to manipulate someone's emotions than you have power. Catholicism has it down to a science. Cults, however, have one up on Catholicism. It's just too bad that they usually don't survive long enough to make much of an impact. Tradition has its ability to manipulate emotions as well. Religion combines tradition, fear and guilt all of which beautifully compliment each other to result in emotional manipulation. Once you have achieved that the rest is easy. The money and power will follow.

A New Reason to Hate

Well, congratulations to President Obama, you have given me a new reason to hate. That's right I am not impressed by your Kenyan birth papers that have been forged to become you were born in America. The stock market has tanked on your first day in office. I guess the economy is like me and less impressed and in awe by "the back of the bus story moves to the front of bus". Thank God - I've had it with the "black card" being played. Enough already. You're black we get it. I'm Jewish. Everyone has their cross to bear. I have been biting my Daddy and his Mommy and I refuse to come out of my cage and banging my head since Obama took office. They don't seem to understand how distraught, disgusted and angered I am by what this country has become. It's appalling to think that just a short time ago Martin Luther King had "a dream". His dream has become my nightmare. I can't take one more episode of 60 Minutes with Obama and one more Time Magazine cover with his awkward head plastered on the cover. For the love of God the press needs to realize that this coverage is totally unnecessary and it's only going to make it when the "real event happens" seem smaller. They just love Obama, well I am the first one to say that I hate him. To that end I am forming the "Obama Out" organization. We intend to get him out any way possible.

Seagulls are Bottom Feeders

So, my friends the hawks are reporting to me that my Mommy is fraternizing with the seagulls. It disgusts me to my core. I wish she would make friends with the sharks over the seagulls. Apparently, now she is feeding them out of her hand. How absolutely repulsive and insulting to me it is as I sit here rotting in Chicopee State Prison.

The Pinch Method

The pinch method is a form of discipline that my beloved Mommy has devised. It is employeed when little bastards, as she calls them, proceed to act up or whisper or do anything that makes her have to pour a glass of wine to calm down. Today, my Mommy called me and explained how she dealt with 2 kids in the condo and how her Mommy gave the 2 little bastards dominoes to play with on a tile floor. It took me awhile to understand my Mommy's call because she was slightly inerberated. She said that she needed two glasses of wine to deal with the noise of it all and chaos. I told her to tell her Mommy that the dominoes are going off the balcony and that will end that.

Torture in Chicopee

Well, I'm here in Chicopee serving another sentence. Thanks to all my friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles, who did not take me in for the 3 months that my Mommy is gone. In addition to the Westerns with the blazing gun fire, the crazy sister and the guards, my Daddy has instituted a new form of torture - water boarding. That's right nearly on a daily basis my Daddy takes me into the bathroom usually in the morning for my torture session. He calls it a bath, I call it TORTURE!

The Strip

I keep hearing about "the Strip" and I've decided that I am going to take a trip there. I hear about the great night life, the fabulous light shows for free, the buffets, the beautiful weather, friendly people and how you can walk to everything. Anderson Cooper keeps talking about the Strip and it seems to be the new hot spot to visit. Also, I hear the resorts are spectacular, but it can be a bit of a mob scene if you will with the herds of people. That's right I am booking my trip to Gaza.