Colorado Bound

Thank God they are are leaving me for a whole week and I'm going to go to work camp Grafton. At least it is too cold for me to work in the yard, but I am sure that I will be doing some manual labor in the house. Last time I was there I painted the whole house, this time I may be on a cleaning mission. I hate toilets, but what can I do? I will also have to fight off and scare the mop with hair and eyes known as the family dog, Truffles, which insists on staring up at me. One other time when I was at "camp" the pile of fur sat on me. Can you imagine thinking this is it with a hairy smelly ass in your face? It's inhumane even for a work camp.

I Smell Black Pussy

That's right I smell it because Daddy has encouraged it to come into my living room. Nice, huh? Well, the pussy managed to wander into my room. Luckily, I was in lockdown mode in my house, but I just looked at it speechless. Daddy's threats are less than subtle. The other day he had the Pussy attack a dove outside my window. I screamed bloody murder to save the dove. It's like living with a rapper in your neighborhood you never know what they are going to do you just pray that they will have their base pumping as a warning. I feel afraid constantly and am always looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open. I know that any day now Daddy is going to put the hit out and I will be Pussy meat.

I'm Fat and I Blame Daddy

As I have already announced, I'm fat, but the more I reflect the more I realize that it's Daddy's fault. He goes to this local Italian restaurant and brings me home pizza. He orders a whole pizza for one and wine and chats it up with white and black Dave. Now, first of all I find it uncharacteristically odd that anyone black is allowed in an Italian restaurant, but I digress. Daddy does not seem to find it odd, but then again he's Irish, so he is on thin ice anyway. I have recently had my wings clipped, so I am asking for your help. I need someone to take me to the restaurant so that I can badmouth my Daddy to both white and black Dave and to check out the menu. I think he could order a smaller pizza and not force me to eat the leftovers as part of his overall plot to knock me off my perch.

I'm an American....

...it's official the vet declared it the other day, I'm fat. I might as well as give up my German citizenship and book it to the nearest McDonald's followed by the closest Dunkin 'n Donuts. I apparently have "a belly". Now, my Mommy says "who loves that belly", but I know she doesn't mean that she does. I know it is said in a mean sarcastic way that only you would understand if you knew her not to mention when she says it Daddy stands there laughing at me. I see how it is - I'm just another statistic.

Listen Up Duvall

As we all know and are celebrating Ted Kennedy is dead, and it's not from cirrhosis of the liver as I had waged online. Oh, well it's Mommy's money anyway. I wonder how long he had brain cancer and if that can be used to explain why he left a woman to die in the water - it was the cancer and not the booze in his system. I should be a lawyer. Anyway, I am writing to our mighty black governor to implore him to put me into Kennedy's office. Why not most politicians are bird brains and my lifespan is long. After all, as I read in Newsweek, if you stay in politics long enough you are actually respected. I am respectful now imagine me in 25 years from now. Oh, the things I could do. I could tear to shreds someone's bill - literally. I could take a dump right on their head as they speak and I could scream to be heard. I have power I just need a place to use it. So, listen up al powerful black man, I'm heading to the Hill.

Wedded Bliss....My Beak

Well, here we are just the three of us living in wedded bliss. We are rolling into week 3. I have lunged at Mr. Kirkpatrick and I bang my head whenever he is present. In addition today I finally just had a meltdown. It was just me and my beloved Mommy on the computer. She was doing her thing and I was checking my stocks when out of nowhere I launched an attack. I bite her finger and drew blood then I went for her stomach, someone has to give her the hint, next I went back to her finger and held on for dear life. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't help it. I think I miss my Mommy and our alone time, so I took it out on her. What can I say? I'm adjusting!