Jew Neighbor

I am in heaven...I live in a tropical paradise with a Jew neighbor who wants to make trouble. How much more could a bird ask for out of life? It's at the point where two cop cruisers where here on a Thursday night. I wish I videoed it. According to the Jew he's done with the feud here, he's now going to take it to his yogurt store. He said perhaps I will read about it in the paper, I can only hope so!

Thanksgiving

Florida

Well, here I am in a tropical paradise living in the closet. I'm not gay..I'm literally living in a closet. I can't believe this is the life that I've been driven to nearly 1400 miles. I blame Daddy for it. I was put in a little cage in the middle of the night and into the front seat of Mommy's Miata. We drove through the dark and the rain only to end up in a closet. WTF? On our way we got thrown out of a Fairfield Inn, which apparently I'm being blamed for due to my vocal abilities. Instead, we had to stay in a seedy hotel run rampant with blacks. We booked out of there at 330 AM, which was just as good with me. We jumped back onto 95 and I was promised it would be better a day. Well, here am in a sunny place locked in a closet. Rumor has it that the rat and Daddy are going to join us in a week or so...great! I don't really understand then why we left in the dead of the night if they are only going to follow us anyway. What was the point? I should have known when he kept calling on the blue tooth that he would track us down. At one point in the ride I tried to hang myself, but I failed and just got my foot stuck in my cozy. Pathetic, I know. Mommy didn't even pull over to help me, something about merging with traffic. Before I tried to hang myself she decided to take a detour in New York City little did I know it was just to give me a sampling of what we would be staying with that night. When am I going to realize that nothing with her is "random" and that Daddy is behind all of it?

Craigslist

Well, friends I know I've been remiss in writing this past summer. I've been a bit busy as I'm sure you sorry losers on facebook know what it is like to be busy. I digress....
I was surfing the web after I was on facebook reading all the pointless games you play and self serving posts and I came across a listing on craigslist for a beautiful male sun conure. Of course, I couldn't help but be interested. I looked at the picture and thought how nice it would be if I fianally had a straight male friend to play chess with during the day. I immediately let my Mommy know that I was interested and that she must act fast only to find out to my horror that the sun conure on craigslist was me. I am thoroughly shaken to my core. I can't believe the level of betrayal and can only surmise that my Daddy is behind this latest attack. I knew him moving in with me and Mommy was a mistake and that I would pay the ultimate price. I am officially banning all car rides, time outside and any other distractions, I have even given up watching Jeopardy and the "Wheel". My only focus is on Daddy. I sleep with one eye open if you will. Please prayer for me and if you wish to send donations I only accept cash.

Obama is Dead

I heard the news early this morning and couldn't help but break out into dance when I heard that he was dead. I saw Obama's smiling mug flash up on the screen and the newscaster saying he's dead and then showing people dancing in the streets. At first I thought show some respect and then I thought whom am I kidding - I've never been happier. Oh, the possibilities now are endless for this great country of ours. I want to thank the man or men responsible for his demise. No one has been named yet and no one has come forward to be rewarded yet. I imagine that once the celebrations die down then the proper honor will be bestowed upon those individuals responsible for this great accomplishment. God bless America!

Fuck Facebook

I am so glad that I am not an idiot on facebook posting constantly all day long. I have a facebook account, but you never see me post anything. Most people post there every move...

"9 AM, Monday, I hate work!"
"Tuesday, what a long week already"
"Wednesday, I bought new pants and they don't fit"
"Thursday, it's Margarita night"
"Fri, TGIF"
"Saturday, out getting loaded"
"Sunday, I don't want to go back to work"
Facebook is not your online diary. I don't care about the kind of day that you are having, what you ate, how wasted you got or currently are, how your kid looks retarded, why you want to kill your boss, or where you will be now or later. Get it through your thick skull and understand me when I say I and the rest of the world who are your fake friends online to make you feel less of a loser DON'T CARE!

Officer Visits

I nearly fell off my perch when the doorbell rang at 5 PM. I know that my Mommy and Daddy don't have any friends, so naturally I knew it could only be the authorities. Sure enough I was right! It was the dog officer and I smelt alcohol on his breath. I was hoping that maybe he was delivering some Chinese food from Wong's since that was clearly the dump that he came from where the beers are cheap and the women are even cheaper. However, that was not the case. Instead, he brought "forewarnings and threats" to my Daddy nonetheless. Daddy doesn't take kindly to such acts. My Mommy who had been on the phone did not even know that it was the dog officer and just assumed it was a nosy neighbor. So, she dropped the bomb of all bombs stating it was a ridiculous conversation since it was not against the law to shit on the tree belt and asked why we are even discussing it. To which my Daddy stood there speechless much like the officer. The officer then asked how would my Mommy like it if people shit on the town property in front of her house and my Mommy said "go ahead, it's town property, I don't care" and with that he left.

Lottery

I am announcing a lottery for my royal followers. Please post a comment or something witty with your email address and if I like it I will enter you into my drawing. I will choose the winner, it hardly be random. At this point you may be asking yourself what will I win....

This is the best part.

You will win an all exclusive paid trip for two to a lovely island in the Pacific. They are in the midst of a building boom and are experiencing an influx of new people as the natives are moving out. You will have warm breezes and fresh produce the size of which you won't be able to believe. But wait it gets better you will find deals on everything if shopping is your thing. The food will be out of this world - yum, yum. So, who wants to go to Japan? Please remember to leave all small pets in the States.

Quakes and Jap's

Oh, I'm sure that you've heard the news about the devastating earthquake that hit Japan and the Tsnumai accompanying it. However, I think the news is missing the essence of the impact it will have upon our American economy. I can't help but be thankful that my Daddy bought his new Apple computer before the quake and the prices go up. After all made in Japan is just not going to mean the same cheap, shitty, throwaway items it once did. We are going to be paying far too much for the same crap now. I'm glad my Daddy had the foresight to buy his shitty computer before it hit. Sometimes I have to say that he simply amazes me with his cheapness. I am going to show my support and get some sushi the next time I go out to eat.

Neighborhood Shit

Well, I guess in the course of walking our rat and my grandparents dust ball my Daddy ran into a confrontation with one of the neighbors. Let me put on my surprise face. I saw and heard the whole thing from my window high above the street. It was a typical raw, dreary, rain pre-spring day in lovely New England when my Daddy was out with the dust ball. Out of no where a crazed, heavyset neighbor came flying out of her house as if my Daddy had a twinky in his hand. She verbally assaulted my Daddy that he was shitting in her yard. Now, my Daddy has done many things, but he has never shit anywhere inappropriate. Then her husband came out and he was pointing to shit on the tree belt and accusing my Daddy of being responsible for it, which of course he denied. Then neighbors went in their house and my Daddy and the dust ball moised on home shaking their heads. Arguing over whose shit it is - is a new all time low for my Daddy.

Charlie Sheen

I have avoided addressing Charlie Sheen and his behavior for some time now, but it must be done. Let me start by saying Charlie Sheen is a good man and he has a point. I am slightly disappointed that his little tv show was cancelled, but networks have small minds. They fail to understand the ratings he would have brought in had the "show go on". Oh well, now that are all out of a job - what fools. I have written Charlie Sheen to let me in on his gig with the Goddesses, but have not heard back yet. I am sure he has his hands "full" at the moment. Oh, that poor soul. I am officially starting the "I'm not Insane, I'm Sheen" Club if anyone would like to join. In order to qualify for membership, one must have spoken or acted out of place or inappropriately and it must be videoed as documentation. Good luck to all future members! I'm off to watch a few reruns of "Two and a Half Men".

Camp

That's what I'm "calling" it. I was left alone in solitary confinement without food and dirty water. My perch had fallen from it's position as had I. I was locked in a back room and then locked in my cage as if I had any chance of escape was possible. Where would I go into the cold dark night? I may have been desperate, but I was not stupid. It's a sad man who is at the mercy of a Polish guard. How far I had fallen in a matter of a few short days! I thought having the Arab guard was as bad as it could get, but how sadly mistaken was I. At least the Arab cleaned my cage and changed my water. I can't remember the last time I bathe. Luckily, my Mommy and Daddy (much to my disgust that I have to admit it) saved me. Today, was the first day that I have had a bath in months and I have pizza to feast on as well. Life is good. I am even tolerating the rat that licks her ass as if it were her job. I am just going to look the other way when she does it. I will no longer take it as an insult to me, but I am looking it at as she must be comfortable with me and feel that she is among friends if she can do it so freely.

My Daddy and Fags

For whatever reason my Daddy attracts fags...I'm not talking about hot, young fags...oh, no I'm talking about old, senile, fat fags. They just love my Daddy and they feel the need to share their intimate information with him without being prompted. He just is minding his own business walking the rat, so that she can take a dump the size of his arm when one of his faggy friends randomly rolls down his window and shouts out "going back to the adult store to return our gay porn". I love that Daddy was caught in an awkward position with his jaw dropped, but I guess it's better than having his pants dropped. The rat just went about her business having an elephant size dump...I really don't know where she stores it, but that is another subject for another day.

No Comments

So, I can't help but notice the lack of comments from devoted readers. What's the matter...cat gotcha your tongue? No one ballsy enough to show that they too have an opinion or are you all just idle victims of this thing called life. You disgust me. What's the use of writing and standing up for all of you poor slobs if you are not even going to bravely anonymously comment? I hope that my readers abroad at least have a backbone that my weak Americans are lacking. Pathetic!

Cutting Edge

Well, one of my so called fans has posted a comment under a "fag cooking" that I'm not "cutting edge" anymore. I am stunned, shocked and hurt by this comment. I mean my God whom else tells like it is and pushes the boundaries of good taste more than me? I am the Lenny Bruce of the bird world with my humor. Just like Lenny I know my fate won't be easy. Next thing you know my Mommy will bailing my ass out of jail and everyone will say I was ahead of my time. But apparently to the fag named taghe I'm not cutting edge enough for him. Now the gloves are off!

Pussies

That's right...you are all Pussies. No one has dared comment on the Flood Fund! What are you afraid of the big wrath from the people in the Ninth Ward. I'm going to go out on a limb here (figuratively and literally), but I think that as long as they can be within walking distance of a liquor store they will be happy! But whom am I to say what's right and wrong. I will say rebuilding the Ninth Ward and the entire levee system is ABSOLUTELY irresponsible and is actually causing more harm with erosion than helping in the big picture. But people want cheap property and a fix right now! If they rebuild, I think that they should make it public housing or a jail. I would say a church or some kind of house of worship, but typically they are located in an area of prime real estate. So, Pussies you are and Pussies you will be.

Flood Fund

So, my Mommy and so called Daddy just came back from New Orleans. They are lucky that they survived such an ordeal. It has come to my attention that they visited many sights...plantations where Daddy hoped to see working slaves, city tours where Mommy tried to embarass Daddy on a bus load filled with blacks, otherwise known as escaped slaves, and a museum tour of Katrina. I think that I can safely say that they would be in agreement with my flood fund. I am asking for money, shovels and laborers that's the new polite term for "them". We need to dig out the levees. This city needs the water to rise and take it away. It's a dump no one in their right mind would live there. Daddy, of course, thinks that this approach is an extreme, but I think that it's what Bush tried to do, but failed completing. Brad Pitt and his "Ninth Ward Make It Right" project are pathetic. Who builds where it floods intentionally? Only a stupid actor that's who! I'm so disgusted by the poverty, graffiti, vandalism, pornography and vomit in the streets. Something has to change and I am the only one willing to make it happen. Join me and give to the Flood Fund today!!