Two Mr. Feldman's

I've decided I have no other choice in this matter as the wedding is tomorrow, I'm going to have to adopt Daddy. What else can I do? The man is nearly 40 and has parents, but seems to be begging me for my last name. Why else would he be marrying my Mommy? It's all a ruse to be closer to me, I can see through it. So, I am having my attorney draw up the papers and that will be my wedding gift to my Daddy. He will now go by Howard Feldman. It has a nice Jewish ring to it and will likely help him with business. Everyone wants an angry, frustrated Jew for his or her attorney, we all know that. Mommy, on the other hand, can go by Tracy Kirkpatrick - I can't adopt everyone. I just want my Daddy to know that I welcome him with open wings and a sharp beak!

The End is Near

The end of me telling Daddy off and biting him is near, in just 7 days he will be a permanent fixture to relentlessly annoy me. I will have to pretend to be nice to him and interested in his long boring work stories. I will have to cock my head to one side and look at him as he drags on and on . Then I will add a little chirp or scream where appropriate, so that he thinks I am sympathizing with him when what I really want to say is "Daddy get over it, they are old and you are easily annoyed". It will never end, my friends. Next I'm going to be moving from fabulous location to the back woods of a small town. God the torture just won't stop. My hopes of aggravating Daddy to the breaking point have been dashed now. I may have to turn to drinking to pass the remainder of my days.