Holidays Maui Bans

The biggest one of course is Thanksgiving for reasons already stated.

Next is Martin Luther King Day. I can't stand the marching and the singing - really what did that accomplish? I will not idly stand by while we pay homage to a black womanizing, possibly drug using, reverend from the South. Stay tuned to hear about my plans as this holiday gets closer.

President's Day - I think celebrating Lincoln's birthday is pathetic. After the jam he put this country in, what are you people thinking? We are still dealing with the crime, drugs and illegitimate children as a product of freeing the slaves. Why don't we just make a National Welfare/Prison Holiday? We could call it "Hand Out Day".

Flag Day - can someone tell me the purpose of this one?

In Massachusetts we have Patriot's Day. Again I think this is a big ploy by runner's for attention during their Boston Marathon. They have to run when it's a holiday and ruin anything on the telly. It's a self serving holiday for them.

Maui's All Time Favorite Christmas Albums

I know what you are thinking. I am Jewish, but I don't see what bearing that has on Christmas. Can someone please tell me why I can't go and spend lavish amounts of money on people I rarely see much less like? I didn't think so.

Here goes my list:

Christmas Album by Johnny Mathis
Holly and Ivy by Natalie Cole
Magic of Christmas by Natalie Cole - I, particularly, enjoy this one with a glass of egg nog and Frankie.
The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole
Christmas Album by Nat King Cole
The Spirit of Christmas by Ray Charles
Christmas Collection: 20th Century Masters by Stevie Wonder
Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand
A Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand - although the titles sound the same they are totally different albums - don't deny yourself either one!
Because It's Christmas by Barry Manilow
A Christmas Gift of Love by Barry Manilow - what a gift it is my friends!

Of course, I can't forget my Daddy's album The Christmas Album, Improvisational Christmas, by far my favorite. If you buy nothing else this season, this album is a must for all Jews because it is solely the piano, so you won't be bothered with those "Jesus lyrics".

Why I HATE LIARS!!!!!!!

In my world things are dealt with rather simply. We kill, eat what we killed and mate that is about it. However, I have human friends, well I use term loosely, and they are so deceitful. I can't understand why they lie about things that do not matter. Others lie about the most important things - ie relationships. Others carry on 2 lives by cheating on their significant others. I don't understand this behavior. Why not just kill the one you are cheating on and then you won't be cheating? That is what we would do in my world. Ultimately, I hate liars not because they lie that is their own shortcoming. No, I hate them because they make me question my sense of judgement and gut feelings. For example, when you know you are being lied to you, you feel it, but you don't say anything and you think "well, maybe it is me". I say when you feel that way "kill them"!

Why I Hate President Lincoln

I know what you are thinking I hate President Lincoln because he freed the slaves. It is clear that that was not the true purpose of the Civil War and happened merely as an afterthought. Although I do not agree with his position on that one and what it is cost our country, I feel freeing them and the poverty and crime that has ensued has been more costly than any other war in history. However, in politicals as I well know you have to barter and freeing the slaves was merely a bargaining chip. No, I hate him because he declared Thanksgiving a national holiday in 1863. Can you believe the sheer magnitude of my hatred toward him? I mean freeing the slaves - okay, everyone makes a political blunder, but instituting a hate crime as a national holiday!

Sequences, Leather and Wrinkles - WHY?

Can someone explain to me why women feel the need to adorn themselves in clothes that are totally inappropriate?
First off let's set some ground rules: If you have are any type of menopausal - leather is out;
If you there are 2 digits in your size - leather is out;
If you used to wear it many years ago - DON'T NOW;
If when you move, your outfit catches the light - remove it;
If it looks painted on - take it off;
Finally, if your face is more wrinkled than your outfit -
don't leave the house.

Thanksgiving Day RIOT!!!

SHHHH!!! My Mommy and Daddy don't know, but I am planning a Thanksgiving Day RIOT. The Turdunkin put me over the edge. I can't sit idly by and watch my gay cousin (the turkey), my drunk brother-in-law (the duck) and my stupid half ass relative (the chicken) be murdered. I have called in the black militia - the crows - to aid in my plight. I know what I have said about blacks in the past, but I am desperate. Besides, they are okay when serving a purpose as long as they continue to know their place. My plan involves the Macy Day Parade, which any idiot knows is just a big marketing ploy of a long drawn out ad. MARK MY WORDS A FLOAT IS GOING DOWN!!!!!!!!!

Turdunkin and What It Means for Me

Did you know that there is such a thing as a Turkey, Duck and Chicken combined into one for Thanksgiving? What is wrong with humans? How much poultry do you need? My GOD get a grip. My concern is that I am next. I think a Turdunkin could easily fit a Sun Conure into the mix. Perhaps, you sickos would call it a Sunning Turdunkin. DISGUSTING!!! You humans and insatiable need for poultry make me question your ability to reason.

I am a Fanilow

Dear friends I wanted to share with you my latest purchase over the weekend - "Ultimate Manilow"- that's right Barry Manilow's compact disc of greatest hits. Besides him being a Jew, which naturally creates a bond, I find him handsome. I find I sway back and forth with his easy listening melodies. With the "Copacabana" I am reminded of how pathetic woman can be, which always makes me laugh. I am slowly building up my Jewish library of CD's - onto Barbra Streisand!

Polar Bears and Minorities

The other night after Larry King I watched Anderson Cooper, despite him not being Jewish, he seems fairly intelligent. He was having a special on about global warming. It escapes me as to why my friends in the jungle realize global warming is happening and yet humans are still in denial. But I digress. One of the interesting points was the number of polar bears left on the earth - 25,000, which is not a lot in relation to the number of minorities. Let's say conservatively globally that there are 25 million "minorities" on the planet as a figure to work with. I am proposing a challenge to the Bush administration - let's make it that by the time Bush leaves office these numbers are just the reverse. I mean my God polar bears don't break into cars, vandalize, murder people, impregnant woman or do drugs. Think of how much safer the streets will be and cleaner the environment will be when there is no one driving supped up Honda Civics anymore. I say to save the planet start with eliminating Puerto Ricans - it's our only hope. I think it would send a strong message to the other minorities to clean up their act or else!

Another Break-In

Hello my friends over this past week my Mommy's and Daddy's cars both were broken into during the night. This time the damage was not as bad as last time. However, I still maintain that it is a hate crime against the white man carried out by gold chained cross bearing, white wife beater T-shirt wearing, baggie pants wearing, designer sneaker wearing, with sideways baseball caps on Puerto Ricans. It is so blatantly obvious that my Mommy and Daddy were targeted because of the color of their skin. When will crimes against the white man end?

Pseudo Friends and the People Who Have Them

I have observed with humans that they have pseudofriends. What I mean by this is that they will go out with these people for the sheer purpose of getting information. They will smile and laugh with the person and as soon as they leave them begin to tear them apart. I don't understand why do humans spend time with people that they dislike? Are you that desperate for company? Or is that you are that insecure? In the bird world we are much more direct with our opinions of others and we don't falsely pretend to like someone for devious reasons. We also at all costs exude an air of confidence and have a back bone. For instance if someone does us wrong we are done with them. We do not excuse such behavior or find the need to be around it. I find these actions amongst humans very sad and pathetic. Tonight one of my good friends was here and we were having our usual - red wine, sharp cheddar cheese and garlic crackers. I love this friend because I can be myself there are no false airs or need to impress. Often while she is here I have the occassional accident and drink too much wine, but she is my friend and that is the whole idea of a good friend. I know she's not taking notes and not going to run to Frankie and tell him everything we talked about tonight. I think humans should be more like birds and eliminate the bullshit and only spend quality time with real friends. Another thing birds do is end romantic relationships - you humans have yet to get that one down either.

The Turkey Shoot

As I said before in one of my blogs, the holiday known as "Thanksgiving" is nothing more than a vicious and systematic assault on my gay cousins, the Turkey. Lets be clear, I don't like it anymore than you do. But that's no reason for an entire country to gorge ourselves on them. That being said, I was absolutely SHOCKED and STUNNED when this morning I saw several signs glorifying and inviting six pack toting, shotgun carrying, obscenely obese weekend warriors to an atrocity called a "Turkey Shoot"!! That's right!! Apparently, in Western Mass, the natives so hate my wayward cousins, the turkeys, that they have an organized event to shoot them on Sundays!! I nearly fainted when I saw the signs plastered all over the sides of the road! "Turkey Shoot Today!" "Prizes for first place!" What, my good friends, have we come to? What happens behind closed doors is none of my business, although I have heard about what actually goes on and I wonder how some of those acts are even possible. Nevertheless, a Turkey Shoot?!!? Well, tough times call for tough responses. I implore those of you as a-ghast at this latest outlash against the repugnant turkey, to join me in organizing the first of many, "Fat-Slob Hillbilly Shoots!" It won't be so much fun when I get my aim down, I'll tell you that much! Peace.

Prints, Wallpaper, and Other Hideous Sightings

Friends I want to know what in God's name possesses you to hang wallpaper with matching window treatments. Why would you choose to loiter your home with these absurd images? I am pretty sure that no one has real flowers on their kitchen walls or hens laying eggs. It is insulting to my intelligence to think that you would put up these fictitous images. Why not just decorate with cartoon images? I mean really whom do you think you are kidding. We all know it's not real and in a way feel bad for you that you cannot be sophiscated enough to simply pick a color and paint the wall. In my travels I have found that it is typically older humans who feel the need to be surrounded by these images. Usually, they also cover have their window with either a matching print or something even worse. I frankly do not need to be bothered with such nonsense.

Why I Implore You to Ban Thanksgiving

As many of you know in a few short weeks Thanksgiving will be upon us. In case you have forgotten you are eating my gay cousin as your main course. Every family has a gay cousin - you know you do, which is okay. You might be asking how we first knew he was gay. Truthfully, his feathers were a dead give away, his plump unshapely body and finally his inability to fly any measurable distance were out first clues. However, I do not think that it is right for you to kill him because his gay. I find Thanksgiving amounts to nothing more than a hate crime. Therefore, I encourage you to put your forks down and let my gay cousin live.

Holiday Attire - Someone Make it Stop!

I was out this weekend at a favorite fine dining spot of mine and what did I see, not one, but two women in orange sweaters for Halloween. I mean my God are you that desperate for something to wear? I cringe at the thought of the "holiday sweater" with the Christmas or Winter scenes in sequences and glitter. These testimonts to ridiculousness abound every year and every year I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I don't know what to do, but beg all of you "holiday sweater wearing" to please pick another sweater out of your draw that I know won't shut because it is loaded with sweaters, turtlenecks and sensible clothes.