Craigslist

Well, friends I know I've been remiss in writing this past summer. I've been a bit busy as I'm sure you sorry losers on facebook know what it is like to be busy. I digress....
I was surfing the web after I was on facebook reading all the pointless games you play and self serving posts and I came across a listing on craigslist for a beautiful male sun conure. Of course, I couldn't help but be interested. I looked at the picture and thought how nice it would be if I fianally had a straight male friend to play chess with during the day. I immediately let my Mommy know that I was interested and that she must act fast only to find out to my horror that the sun conure on craigslist was me. I am thoroughly shaken to my core. I can't believe the level of betrayal and can only surmise that my Daddy is behind this latest attack. I knew him moving in with me and Mommy was a mistake and that I would pay the ultimate price. I am officially banning all car rides, time outside and any other distractions, I have even given up watching Jeopardy and the "Wheel". My only focus is on Daddy. I sleep with one eye open if you will. Please prayer for me and if you wish to send donations I only accept cash.

Obama is Dead

I heard the news early this morning and couldn't help but break out into dance when I heard that he was dead. I saw Obama's smiling mug flash up on the screen and the newscaster saying he's dead and then showing people dancing in the streets. At first I thought show some respect and then I thought whom am I kidding - I've never been happier. Oh, the possibilities now are endless for this great country of ours. I want to thank the man or men responsible for his demise. No one has been named yet and no one has come forward to be rewarded yet. I imagine that once the celebrations die down then the proper honor will be bestowed upon those individuals responsible for this great accomplishment. God bless America!

Fuck Facebook

I am so glad that I am not an idiot on facebook posting constantly all day long. I have a facebook account, but you never see me post anything. Most people post there every move...

"9 AM, Monday, I hate work!"
"Tuesday, what a long week already"
"Wednesday, I bought new pants and they don't fit"
"Thursday, it's Margarita night"
"Fri, TGIF"
"Saturday, out getting loaded"
"Sunday, I don't want to go back to work"
Facebook is not your online diary. I don't care about the kind of day that you are having, what you ate, how wasted you got or currently are, how your kid looks retarded, why you want to kill your boss, or where you will be now or later. Get it through your thick skull and understand me when I say I and the rest of the world who are your fake friends online to make you feel less of a loser DON'T CARE!

Officer Visits

I nearly fell off my perch when the doorbell rang at 5 PM. I know that my Mommy and Daddy don't have any friends, so naturally I knew it could only be the authorities. Sure enough I was right! It was the dog officer and I smelt alcohol on his breath. I was hoping that maybe he was delivering some Chinese food from Wong's since that was clearly the dump that he came from where the beers are cheap and the women are even cheaper. However, that was not the case. Instead, he brought "forewarnings and threats" to my Daddy nonetheless. Daddy doesn't take kindly to such acts. My Mommy who had been on the phone did not even know that it was the dog officer and just assumed it was a nosy neighbor. So, she dropped the bomb of all bombs stating it was a ridiculous conversation since it was not against the law to shit on the tree belt and asked why we are even discussing it. To which my Daddy stood there speechless much like the officer. The officer then asked how would my Mommy like it if people shit on the town property in front of her house and my Mommy said "go ahead, it's town property, I don't care" and with that he left.

Lottery

I am announcing a lottery for my royal followers. Please post a comment or something witty with your email address and if I like it I will enter you into my drawing. I will choose the winner, it hardly be random. At this point you may be asking yourself what will I win....

This is the best part.

You will win an all exclusive paid trip for two to a lovely island in the Pacific. They are in the midst of a building boom and are experiencing an influx of new people as the natives are moving out. You will have warm breezes and fresh produce the size of which you won't be able to believe. But wait it gets better you will find deals on everything if shopping is your thing. The food will be out of this world - yum, yum. So, who wants to go to Japan? Please remember to leave all small pets in the States.

Quakes and Jap's

Oh, I'm sure that you've heard the news about the devastating earthquake that hit Japan and the Tsnumai accompanying it. However, I think the news is missing the essence of the impact it will have upon our American economy. I can't help but be thankful that my Daddy bought his new Apple computer before the quake and the prices go up. After all made in Japan is just not going to mean the same cheap, shitty, throwaway items it once did. We are going to be paying far too much for the same crap now. I'm glad my Daddy had the foresight to buy his shitty computer before it hit. Sometimes I have to say that he simply amazes me with his cheapness. I am going to show my support and get some sushi the next time I go out to eat.

Neighborhood Shit

Well, I guess in the course of walking our rat and my grandparents dust ball my Daddy ran into a confrontation with one of the neighbors. Let me put on my surprise face. I saw and heard the whole thing from my window high above the street. It was a typical raw, dreary, rain pre-spring day in lovely New England when my Daddy was out with the dust ball. Out of no where a crazed, heavyset neighbor came flying out of her house as if my Daddy had a twinky in his hand. She verbally assaulted my Daddy that he was shitting in her yard. Now, my Daddy has done many things, but he has never shit anywhere inappropriate. Then her husband came out and he was pointing to shit on the tree belt and accusing my Daddy of being responsible for it, which of course he denied. Then neighbors went in their house and my Daddy and the dust ball moised on home shaking their heads. Arguing over whose shit it is - is a new all time low for my Daddy.