Pancakes and Thanksgiving

Well, I'm here in Grafton living with total strangers because my Mommy has dumped me once again for the season. I am a tropical bird living in New England while that part cat, rat of a dog has her sorry ass in southern Florida. I have, however, been enjoying my breakfasts of pancakes and syrup, which I have suggested numerous times that they heat up on the stove first while whisking in some butter, but what do I know! Today, I woke up and realized to my horror that they have been fattening me up for the dreaded day - Thanksgiving. I think that they know that I am not a turkey, but since this year they are going to their son's for dinner the first time I ever I think that they are coming up with a back up plan for when they come home. Truffles kind of looks like mashed potatoes, so she better watch out! It's war I have to save myself.

Cardinal Law

I make no bones about it I'm a die hard Jew. But I was watching a special on the Catholic Church the other night and have decided that they must be following these norms with regards to priests' behavior:

Molest a boy - off to a new parish where you can spread the good word
Molest a girl - mandatory counseling
Rape a young boy - automatic buy to the next round where you'll be crowned bishop
Rape several boys - congratulations you've earned yourself the title, Cardinal
Cover up your priest's crimes and deny them - free relocation trip to Rome
Partake in a hate crime by murdering thousands of innocent Jews - we will call you Pope


Do as I say, not as I do for I'm a Catholic not a Jew.

Shut Down!

We've all heard the mob say, "we are going to shut you down" or "we are going to run you out of town". Well, I can tell you that I have lived it. After I posted "Thwarted", I found that my precious blog was literally shut down. I was stunned. I got the message loud and clear. However, my Mommy was dumb enough to get it back up and running, so now I can't hide. I am thinking about changing my name to something very Italian sounding. What about Maurice Anthony Feldmani - if it ends in a vowel it will pass for Italian, right? And I am strongly considering having some plastic surgery. I think that I am going to start with my beak. It's awful that I have to think like this now, but I am a survivor.

Thwarted

I think I may have outrun the mob. The "godfather" hasn't been back in awhile, but his boys were here last week. I think that they just want me to know that you are never truly rid of them. I simply ignored them and acted like their presence didn't ruffle my feathers in the least. Luckily, my room allows me to see far and wide, so they can't sneak up on me. Also, luckily or unluckily, the white thing that licks its ass barks whenever something seems strange. If you try to go in a parking lot where there is a "Dollar Store", you'll see what I mean about her. She is hardly subtle...sometimes I wonder if she isn't Jewish. I am just keeping my cool and smarts about me and am waiting for the next threat to be delivered. I think it may affect my pizza supply as I have noticed lately that I have been running low.

The Protector

I had to break down and hire some protection for myself. She is known as the "Bunny Chaser" and I have her guard the front door all day long. I am little concerned that she snoozes on the job, but she is all that I can afford and better than nothing. She is hired to alert me to any intruder as they approach. I don't have the money for her to attack them that is left up to me. Usually, she runs and hides after she alerts me. I don't kid myself into thinking that she would come out should I be in real danger. I don't live in a fantasy world. When she does her patrol of the house, she mumbles "I'm bad ass Bunny Chaser". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like the sound of it. Perhaps, it will be enough to keep those Italian boys away. I guess we will have to see how the next few weeks go. She has failed to keep the messages from coming home, which makes me sleep with one eye open.

The Message

Well, I thought the reign of Italian terror was over because I hadn't him or his "boys" in awhile. But last night I got a message brought to me from of all people my Daddy. It was a food item, which I usually enjoy. I opened the box and found out much to my horror it was a white pizza with all of things CHICKEN on it. You have to understand my Daddy never orders chicken on a pizza not to mention a white pizza. It's clear who sent the pizza and what they are trying to say. The odd thing is that I have not done anything, but mind my own business these past few weeks. But you know what they say once the mafia gets in your business you're a dead man.

It's Been Awhile....

....since I have graced you with my words of wisdom. I have been a victim of Italian terrorism. I don't know how I got involved with such horror, well actually that's not true I blame my Daddy. He has insisted on bringing home someone from the Mob and his family. The head of the family, we'll call him "Dave" has threatened to take my food. His sons are also a part of the rain of terror. Naturally, when Dave has touched my food I have screamed bloody murder only to be silenced by one of the "boys". I have read about how the Mafia will come in and take over your home and business, but I never thought me being a nice Jew would be victim to it. They come in and overwhelm my Mommy to the point that she's defenseless. Dave's wife acts oblivious to it all, which is typcial behavior of a wife married to a mobster - they turn a blind eye. I don't have any gambling debts, hookers or drug habit to feed, so I can't understand why I am under such an attack, but I am. I need help. They have shown me pictures of their cat to let me know "what could be done". They claim that "Fluffy" has a cat toy with my picture on it and I believe them. I will keep you posted if I can of how I am fairing.