Michael Jackson and My Crotch

I am reaching out and down to grab my crotch in memory of the ever talented Michael Jackson. His talent was so far reaching that he didn't need to play an instrument or write lyrics that says a lot about this man. In addition I found out that his children are not biologically his - I am shocked. Who knew a black man didn't produce Swedish/German looking children that would make even Hitler proud? In the next few weeks we will find out much to the astonishment of the media that he was a drug user and in a haze from 1988 until his death. I know what you are thinking a novelity - a black drug addict. I wanted to know why my Daddy wasn't at the Apollo dancing it up and celebrating his life. He told me unlike everyone else there he worked for a living.

Style and Have to Ask Why

So, my mommy went to the Cheesecake Factory last night and met her friend. She didn't bring me back any left overs, but I digress, not that I didn't put in my order before she left. Anyway, she came home and described some of the outfits that she saw when she was waiting. Two shades of lime on one outfit to just name a few. Clothes that don't fit right and rolls exposed. I told her that there are simple rules to fashion and I will share them with you, my loyal reader.
1. Never, but NEVER wear a print. Solid colors only
2. If you wear a crazy color, ie lime or pink, that is the only color that you wear. You offset with white it's not a dress.
3. Wear clothes that fit "squeezing" into anything is never appropriate.
4. For women high heels are a must, they dress up any outfit.
5. Don't wear anything that rests below or above the naval if you can remember Reagan's policies.
6. Hair, please, don't be one of those who can say I have never changed my hair style since high school.
7. Finally, jewelry. Don't bother if it's not real.

Oprah

As my loyal readers know, I hate Oprah for reasons that are obvious. But I think I have finally figured out why people love Oprah, she's the new prophet. You can worship her from the ease of your couch with your Cheetoos and Budweiser and you don't have to put out your butt. No wonder she has so many loyal followers. In addition much like a religious leader she doesn't have to have any kind of scientific proof for what she preaches as gospel. The only thing that throws me in her wide appeal is that she is BLACK. I wouldn't have thought that there would be so many worshippers with that drawback, but then again makes all the more sense why nothing she says is backed by an educated opinion.

When It's Time....

....to go the key is realizing it. For instance with me I know when it's time to go back to my house because I start biting people randomly. In contrast humans have a hard time knowing when it's time to go. Animals are better at realizing when their environment is changing and for sheer survival sake it's time to move on to greener pastures. But humans don't seem to understand that once minorities move into your neighbor they are not leaving and once a camper has it's wheels off it's not moving. The only thing that I can think of is that humans don't want to believe it because they are still able to meet their daily needs even though they may have to install an alarm.

They Call It Grafton

I know that Grafton has not made the record books as a work camp, but let me tell you it is. Last time my Mommy was in Florida I was in the Chicopee state prison, but this time I'm in a work camp, Grafton. We rise at 5 AM and begin our choirs for the day. This week it's painting. I am forced to inhale toxic fumes and dance on command. Then at the end of the day I'm returned to my cell, where I am provided with bread and water. I am forced to listen to Dean Martin, it's a form of torture, noise pollution. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this hectic pace. I am running on nothing everyday. I try to run and hide in my cage, but I am always found.

A New Low

I'm here in Grafton with a guard that wants to eat me. Her name is Truffles and I think that she is a lesbian given that she has a beard that she sports with pride. I digress... Apparently, my "grandpapa" felt that I needed a bath. I take baths in a bathroom sink, where I can easily climb in and out on my towel. Then I am blown dry and allowed to groom my feathers and have a cigarette. Well, that is not the case in Grafton. I am hauled off to an unheated garage, where I am dumped into a kitchen sink. Don't they know that I can't swim? I panic and flap my wings while Truffles jumps out trying to get on the counter, so even if I make it she will eat me. Is it me or have I sunk to a new low?

Libraries

My Mommy is in Florida and I told her that she has to find "safe places", where there are not any black people. Of course, there is the obvious pool or ocean because as we all know they don't swim. Think about it when have you seen Obama in water. He never mentions the White House pool. But my Mommy needs to be able to leave the grounds and find a "safe place" in case of a hurricane. I had my people search for her and they informed me that the safest place is the public library. Again, who bought and read Obama's book - white people who want to feel righteous that's who. So, if you are looking for a safe place where you won't be licked, my mommy's friend, Jim, let us in on the lingo that means "robbed" go to your local library!