The Protector

I had to break down and hire some protection for myself. She is known as the "Bunny Chaser" and I have her guard the front door all day long. I am little concerned that she snoozes on the job, but she is all that I can afford and better than nothing. She is hired to alert me to any intruder as they approach. I don't have the money for her to attack them that is left up to me. Usually, she runs and hides after she alerts me. I don't kid myself into thinking that she would come out should I be in real danger. I don't live in a fantasy world. When she does her patrol of the house, she mumbles "I'm bad ass Bunny Chaser". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like the sound of it. Perhaps, it will be enough to keep those Italian boys away. I guess we will have to see how the next few weeks go. She has failed to keep the messages from coming home, which makes me sleep with one eye open.

The Message

Well, I thought the reign of Italian terror was over because I hadn't him or his "boys" in awhile. But last night I got a message brought to me from of all people my Daddy. It was a food item, which I usually enjoy. I opened the box and found out much to my horror it was a white pizza with all of things CHICKEN on it. You have to understand my Daddy never orders chicken on a pizza not to mention a white pizza. It's clear who sent the pizza and what they are trying to say. The odd thing is that I have not done anything, but mind my own business these past few weeks. But you know what they say once the mafia gets in your business you're a dead man.

It's Been Awhile....

....since I have graced you with my words of wisdom. I have been a victim of Italian terrorism. I don't know how I got involved with such horror, well actually that's not true I blame my Daddy. He has insisted on bringing home someone from the Mob and his family. The head of the family, we'll call him "Dave" has threatened to take my food. His sons are also a part of the rain of terror. Naturally, when Dave has touched my food I have screamed bloody murder only to be silenced by one of the "boys". I have read about how the Mafia will come in and take over your home and business, but I never thought me being a nice Jew would be victim to it. They come in and overwhelm my Mommy to the point that she's defenseless. Dave's wife acts oblivious to it all, which is typcial behavior of a wife married to a mobster - they turn a blind eye. I don't have any gambling debts, hookers or drug habit to feed, so I can't understand why I am under such an attack, but I am. I need help. They have shown me pictures of their cat to let me know "what could be done". They claim that "Fluffy" has a cat toy with my picture on it and I believe them. I will keep you posted if I can of how I am fairing.

If It's Round....

I find that male humans love it. It can be in the shape of anatomy or more importantly in the form of sports. They love to chase a ball or watch a tire turn. This topic is on my mind given the Celtics battle for the NBA championship. It's so sad to see grown men huddle around a television with the look of fear and anxiety on their faces mixed with a sense of anticipation that they haven't known since they believed in the almighty Santa Claus. It makes me feel sad for them, but yet empowered that I have never allowed myself to get caught up in the hype and nonsense associated with all professional sport watching. So, off you losers go to watch your precious game and drink your soap tasting cheap beer while I stay home and relax with a fine glass of Cabarnet and perhaps, some smoked gouda. Oh, the finer things....

AKA

You know a lot of people have nicknames. Although I think that is retarded, ie "Frankie, Johnny, Kit, Jay, Tootsie (for a male)", I will oblige and refer to the idiot how he or she chooses. BUT when you change your name, I question your level of saneness. Don't you agree? I mean who in their right mind changes their name - a loser on the run that's whom. It's so obvious, especially when you keep the same last name. Perhaps, you have the joy of calling this loser family. Lucky you! You would think that the loser would be courteous and change his last name too in order to protect the rest of the family. Nah, why bother? After all at the family cookout, he or she still goes by the same first name to all of you, so you are never the wiser. Lovely.

Black Pussy

She is still hanging around my house and sitting on the stoop staring into space. When I don't see her outside, I know that she is inside watching Oprah. It makes me sick. I want to yell at her, "get a job, stop mooching off the white man". I don't dare because you never how "that type" will react. One minute they are all playful and the next minute the claws are out. It makes me so angry and I blame Obama for not only allowing it, but encouraging it with all his unemployment extensions. This country has turned into a wasteland for degenerates like my neighbor. They don't work, hang out all day, know your business, encroach on your backyard, look at you like there is something wrong with you for trying to better yourself, and they become really nasty and the hair on their neck stands up if you suggest that they at least try to contribute to society. It disgusts me.

Fitness Equipment

I am definitely against owning fitness equipment, unless you like to waste space and your money on something that you will never use. Of course, there is the off chance that one day you decide to put down the remote and actually use your equipment only to find that it fails. Lovely! You think to yourself I don't even use this piece of shit, it should work when I want to go for that 5 minute walk. Sucker! The salesperson saw you and your belly coming when they sold you that and even better the repairman really wants to stick it to you to fix it. Now you have an outdated piece of junk that you can pour more money into, only to still not use it. JOIN A GYM!!! They maintain the equipment and you don't have the guilt trip every time you walk by it and avoid it yet again.