HELP!!!!

I am begging you my loyal readers/followers for your help! I keep trying to escape while the guards are out doing yard patrol, you know out getting a gallon of milk. I diveboom to the floor and after I get my bearings I start heading to the door. Now, if any of you have seen how I walk, I'm a bit loopsided. My feet cross over each other, so I can't make good time. I no sooner edge to the door when they come waltzing in with their gallon of milk. At that point I have no other choice, but to make noise and pray that they will hear me and not step on me, not to mention I get the draft of the door and start to rethink my plan. I need someone to get them out long enough for me to make it to the door and I've decided I am going to have a cab waiting. However, I don't carry American money on me. I am asking for your help in distracting them and in raising cab fare. I do not accept checks, gift cards or spare change. I will only accept unmarked bills.