A Fag Cooking

Daddy is pretending to be a chef. He's making celery root, you would think that he is Mr. Gourmet. Seriously, who does he think he is? It's offensive to anyone who can even so much as nuke a lean cuisine. I have heard countless times about what a great cook he is. Apparently, pureeing something is considered to be an art form now? I'm less than impressed. I want my pizza from Dino's, not some homemade version or Domino's that he thinks is so great! I don't care that they have reformulated their pizza, I'm loyal despite my taste buds. And of course, thrown in that they deliver sweetens the deal. But I digress....where we were? Oh, yes, Daddy is a fag in an apron. And I'm learning that now he likes to hang out with fags, especially old ones. How sick is that? I know, but what I can do just sit and watch I guess and shake my head in shame.

Hello to the Netherlands

I have noticed when I checked the stats on my blog and who exactly is reading it that I have a lot of fans in the Netherlands. Welcome friends, countrymen and Netherlandians! Thank you for lending me your ears and eyes. You are clearly more intelligent than the mere stupid American. While I've never been to Netherland (not to be confused with Neverland and that child diddler, shameless self-promoter, 'King of Pop' but can't hold a candle to the real deal, the one and only diva amongst diva's--Celine Dion) I have surely been there in my mind with you. Unlikely, I will ever do a tour stop so you can shower me with praise as I hear from reliable sources that it is "cold as all hell," and I am tropical. Needless to say, you "get" me and for that, you are a people of high moral and intellectual esteem. Now that I think of the Netherlands, I wonder, what sporting events most tickle your fancies? Skiing and hockey, I would imagine--both favs of mine--or perhaps hottubing with big boobed blonde bimbos brimming with booze, vodka and other spritis of the night that make it far easier (yet, not easy enough for the average slob) to stick it where the sun don't shine, if you know what I mean!! Aaah, now I wish I were there with you, my fans. But I digress-I've already praised you too long--don't want anyone getting idea I'm just a regular fella'. Be well, keep reading, and drop me a line now and then to comment on my posts. Au revoir, as you say!!

Pancakes and Thanksgiving

Well, I'm here in Grafton living with total strangers because my Mommy has dumped me once again for the season. I am a tropical bird living in New England while that part cat, rat of a dog has her sorry ass in southern Florida. I have, however, been enjoying my breakfasts of pancakes and syrup, which I have suggested numerous times that they heat up on the stove first while whisking in some butter, but what do I know! Today, I woke up and realized to my horror that they have been fattening me up for the dreaded day - Thanksgiving. I think that they know that I am not a turkey, but since this year they are going to their son's for dinner the first time I ever I think that they are coming up with a back up plan for when they come home. Truffles kind of looks like mashed potatoes, so she better watch out! It's war I have to save myself.

Cardinal Law

I make no bones about it I'm a die hard Jew. But I was watching a special on the Catholic Church the other night and have decided that they must be following these norms with regards to priests' behavior:

Molest a boy - off to a new parish where you can spread the good word
Molest a girl - mandatory counseling
Rape a young boy - automatic buy to the next round where you'll be crowned bishop
Rape several boys - congratulations you've earned yourself the title, Cardinal
Cover up your priest's crimes and deny them - free relocation trip to Rome
Partake in a hate crime by murdering thousands of innocent Jews - we will call you Pope


Do as I say, not as I do for I'm a Catholic not a Jew.

Shut Down!

We've all heard the mob say, "we are going to shut you down" or "we are going to run you out of town". Well, I can tell you that I have lived it. After I posted "Thwarted", I found that my precious blog was literally shut down. I was stunned. I got the message loud and clear. However, my Mommy was dumb enough to get it back up and running, so now I can't hide. I am thinking about changing my name to something very Italian sounding. What about Maurice Anthony Feldmani - if it ends in a vowel it will pass for Italian, right? And I am strongly considering having some plastic surgery. I think that I am going to start with my beak. It's awful that I have to think like this now, but I am a survivor.

Thwarted

I think I may have outrun the mob. The "godfather" hasn't been back in awhile, but his boys were here last week. I think that they just want me to know that you are never truly rid of them. I simply ignored them and acted like their presence didn't ruffle my feathers in the least. Luckily, my room allows me to see far and wide, so they can't sneak up on me. Also, luckily or unluckily, the white thing that licks its ass barks whenever something seems strange. If you try to go in a parking lot where there is a "Dollar Store", you'll see what I mean about her. She is hardly subtle...sometimes I wonder if she isn't Jewish. I am just keeping my cool and smarts about me and am waiting for the next threat to be delivered. I think it may affect my pizza supply as I have noticed lately that I have been running low.

The Protector

I had to break down and hire some protection for myself. She is known as the "Bunny Chaser" and I have her guard the front door all day long. I am little concerned that she snoozes on the job, but she is all that I can afford and better than nothing. She is hired to alert me to any intruder as they approach. I don't have the money for her to attack them that is left up to me. Usually, she runs and hides after she alerts me. I don't kid myself into thinking that she would come out should I be in real danger. I don't live in a fantasy world. When she does her patrol of the house, she mumbles "I'm bad ass Bunny Chaser". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like the sound of it. Perhaps, it will be enough to keep those Italian boys away. I guess we will have to see how the next few weeks go. She has failed to keep the messages from coming home, which makes me sleep with one eye open.