Maui Feldman

I Live in a Zoo

2012-02-07T17:17:00.002-05:00

I'm literally surrounded by assholes. They just sit and stare at me all day long. I scream in their face to no avail. Sometimes Daddy gets mad and puts me outside...can you believe it, like I'm the problem. He is so manipulated by them, especially by the little one. I watch her ride the big guy's ears like it's some kind of carnival ride and then finally when he's had enough he turns on her and she yelps. Of course that is when the biggest idiot of them all jumps from his chair yelling without asking questions. I think to myself you have an eyewitness right here. This is not the retirement that I pictured in sunny Florida. Two assholes and then me shoved outside to be hawk bate. I take it back I don't live in a zoo, I think that would be a step up from here.

Jew Neighbor

2011-12-04T13:01:00.003-05:00

I am in heaven...I live in a tropical paradise with a Jew neighbor who wants to make trouble. How much more could a bird ask for out of life? It's at the point where two cop cruisers where here on a Thursday night. I wish I videoed it. According to the Jew he's done with the feud here, he's now going to take it to his yogurt store. He said perhaps I will read about it in the paper, I can only hope so!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T15:25:00.003-05:00

Florida

2011-09-10T15:18:00.003-04:00

Well, here I am in a tropical paradise living in the closet. I'm not gay..I'm literally living in a closet. I can't believe this is the life that I've been driven to nearly 1400 miles. I blame Daddy for it. I was put in a little cage in the middle of the night and into the front seat of Mommy's Miata. We drove through the dark and the rain only to end up in a closet. WTF? On our way we got thrown out of a Fairfield Inn, which apparently I'm being blamed for due to my vocal abilities. Instead, we had to stay in a seedy hotel run rampant with blacks. We booked out of there at 330 AM, which was just as good with me. We jumped back onto 95 and I was promised it would be better a day. Well, here am in a sunny place locked in a closet. Rumor has it that the rat and Daddy are going to join us in a week or so...great! I don't really understand then why we left in the dead of the night if they are only going to follow us anyway. What was the point? I should have known when he kept calling on the blue tooth that he would track us down. At one point in the ride I tried to hang myself, but I failed and just got my foot stuck in my cozy. Pathetic, I know. Mommy didn't even pull over to help me, something about merging with traffic. Before I tried to hang myself she decided to take a detour in New York City little did I know it was just to give me a sampling of what we would be staying with that night. When am I going to realize that nothing with her is "random" and that Daddy is behind all of it?

Craigslist

2011-08-25T19:06:00.003-04:00

Well, friends I know I've been remiss in writing this past summer. I've been a bit busy as I'm sure you sorry losers on facebook know what it is like to be busy. I digress....
I was surfing the web after I was on facebook reading all the pointless games you play and self serving posts and I came across a listing on craigslist for a beautiful male sun conure. Of course, I couldn't help but be interested. I looked at the picture and thought how nice it would be if I fianally had a straight male friend to play chess with during the day. I immediately let my Mommy know that I was interested and that she must act fast only to find out to my horror that the sun conure on craigslist was me. I am thoroughly shaken to my core. I can't believe the level of betrayal and can only surmise that my Daddy is behind this latest attack. I knew him moving in with me and Mommy was a mistake and that I would pay the ultimate price. I am officially banning all car rides, time outside and any other distractions, I have even given up watching Jeopardy and the "Wheel". My only focus is on Daddy. I sleep with one eye open if you will. Please prayer for me and if you wish to send donations I only accept cash.

Obama is Dead

2011-05-02T13:20:00.002-04:00

I heard the news early this morning and couldn't help but break out into dance when I heard that he was dead. I saw Obama's smiling mug flash up on the screen and the newscaster saying he's dead and then showing people dancing in the streets. At first I thought show some respect and then I thought whom am I kidding - I've never been happier. Oh, the possibilities now are endless for this great country of ours. I want to thank the man or men responsible for his demise. No one has been named yet and no one has come forward to be rewarded yet. I imagine that once the celebrations die down then the proper honor will be bestowed upon those individuals responsible for this great accomplishment. God bless America!

Fuck Facebook

2011-04-27T19:46:00.002-04:00

I am so glad that I am not an idiot on facebook posting constantly all day long. I have a facebook account, but you never see me post anything. Most people post there every move...

"9 AM, Monday, I hate work!"
"Tuesday, what a long week already"
"Wednesday, I bought new pants and they don't fit"
"Thursday, it's Margarita night"
"Fri, TGIF"
"Saturday, out getting loaded"
"Sunday, I don't want to go back to work"
Facebook is not your online diary. I don't care about the kind of day that you are having, what you ate, how wasted you got or currently are, how your kid looks retarded, why you want to kill your boss, or where you will be now or later. Get it through your thick skull and understand me when I say I and the rest of the world who are your fake friends online to make you feel less of a loser DON'T CARE!

Officer Visits

2011-04-02T08:12:00.001-04:00

I nearly fell off my perch when the doorbell rang at 5 PM. I know that my Mommy and Daddy don't have any friends, so naturally I knew it could only be the authorities. Sure enough I was right! It was the dog officer and I smelt alcohol on his breath. I was hoping that maybe he was delivering some Chinese food from Wong's since that was clearly the dump that he came from where the beers are cheap and the women are even cheaper. However, that was not the case. Instead, he brought "forewarnings and threats" to my Daddy nonetheless. Daddy doesn't take kindly to such acts. My Mommy who had been on the phone did not even know that it was the dog officer and just assumed it was a nosy neighbor. So, she dropped the bomb of all bombs stating it was a ridiculous conversation since it was not against the law to shit on the tree belt and asked why we are even discussing it. To which my Daddy stood there speechless much like the officer. The officer then asked how would my Mommy like it if people shit on the town property in front of her house and my Mommy said "go ahead, it's town property, I don't care" and with that he left.

Lottery

2011-03-30T18:20:00.002-04:00

I am announcing a lottery for my royal followers. Please post a comment or something witty with your email address and if I like it I will enter you into my drawing. I will choose the winner, it hardly be random. At this point you may be asking yourself what will I win....

This is the best part.

You will win an all exclusive paid trip for two to a lovely island in the Pacific. They are in the midst of a building boom and are experiencing an influx of new people as the natives are moving out. You will have warm breezes and fresh produce the size of which you won't be able to believe. But wait it gets better you will find deals on everything if shopping is your thing. The food will be out of this world - yum, yum. So, who wants to go to Japan? Please remember to leave all small pets in the States.

Quakes and Jap's

2011-03-12T16:37:00.002-05:00

Oh, I'm sure that you've heard the news about the devastating earthquake that hit Japan and the Tsnumai accompanying it. However, I think the news is missing the essence of the impact it will have upon our American economy. I can't help but be thankful that my Daddy bought his new Apple computer before the quake and the prices go up. After all made in Japan is just not going to mean the same cheap, shitty, throwaway items it once did. We are going to be paying far too much for the same crap now. I'm glad my Daddy had the foresight to buy his shitty computer before it hit. Sometimes I have to say that he simply amazes me with his cheapness. I am going to show my support and get some sushi the next time I go out to eat.

Neighborhood Shit

2011-03-08T15:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess in the course of walking our rat and my grandparents dust ball my Daddy ran into a confrontation with one of the neighbors. Let me put on my surprise face. I saw and heard the whole thing from my window high above the street. It was a typical raw, dreary, rain pre-spring day in lovely New England when my Daddy was out with the dust ball. Out of no where a crazed, heavyset neighbor came flying out of her house as if my Daddy had a twinky in his hand. She verbally assaulted my Daddy that he was shitting in her yard. Now, my Daddy has done many things, but he has never shit anywhere inappropriate. Then her husband came out and he was pointing to shit on the tree belt and accusing my Daddy of being responsible for it, which of course he denied. Then neighbors went in their house and my Daddy and the dust ball moised on home shaking their heads. Arguing over whose shit it is - is a new all time low for my Daddy.

Charlie Sheen

2011-03-08T15:16:00.002-05:00

I have avoided addressing Charlie Sheen and his behavior for some time now, but it must be done. Let me start by saying Charlie Sheen is a good man and he has a point. I am slightly disappointed that his little tv show was cancelled, but networks have small minds. They fail to understand the ratings he would have brought in had the "show go on". Oh well, now that are all out of a job - what fools. I have written Charlie Sheen to let me in on his gig with the Goddesses, but have not heard back yet. I am sure he has his hands "full" at the moment. Oh, that poor soul. I am officially starting the "I'm not Insane, I'm Sheen" Club if anyone would like to join. In order to qualify for membership, one must have spoken or acted out of place or inappropriately and it must be videoed as documentation. Good luck to all future members! I'm off to watch a few reruns of "Two and a Half Men".

Camp

2011-02-15T14:42:00.003-05:00

That's what I'm "calling" it. I was left alone in solitary confinement without food and dirty water. My perch had fallen from it's position as had I. I was locked in a back room and then locked in my cage as if I had any chance of escape was possible. Where would I go into the cold dark night? I may have been desperate, but I was not stupid. It's a sad man who is at the mercy of a Polish guard. How far I had fallen in a matter of a few short days! I thought having the Arab guard was as bad as it could get, but how sadly mistaken was I. At least the Arab cleaned my cage and changed my water. I can't remember the last time I bathe. Luckily, my Mommy and Daddy (much to my disgust that I have to admit it) saved me. Today, was the first day that I have had a bath in months and I have pizza to feast on as well. Life is good. I am even tolerating the rat that licks her ass as if it were her job. I am just going to look the other way when she does it. I will no longer take it as an insult to me, but I am looking it at as she must be comfortable with me and feel that she is among friends if she can do it so freely.

My Daddy and Fags

2011-01-28T08:26:00.002-05:00

For whatever reason my Daddy attracts fags...I'm not talking about hot, young fags...oh, no I'm talking about old, senile, fat fags. They just love my Daddy and they feel the need to share their intimate information with him without being prompted. He just is minding his own business walking the rat, so that she can take a dump the size of his arm when one of his faggy friends randomly rolls down his window and shouts out "going back to the adult store to return our gay porn". I love that Daddy was caught in an awkward position with his jaw dropped, but I guess it's better than having his pants dropped. The rat just went about her business having an elephant size dump...I really don't know where she stores it, but that is another subject for another day.

No Comments

2011-01-18T15:31:00.002-05:00

So, I can't help but notice the lack of comments from devoted readers. What's the matter...cat gotcha your tongue? No one ballsy enough to show that they too have an opinion or are you all just idle victims of this thing called life. You disgust me. What's the use of writing and standing up for all of you poor slobs if you are not even going to bravely anonymously comment? I hope that my readers abroad at least have a backbone that my weak Americans are lacking. Pathetic!

Cutting Edge

2011-01-14T13:00:00.002-05:00

Well, one of my so called fans has posted a comment under a "fag cooking" that I'm not "cutting edge" anymore. I am stunned, shocked and hurt by this comment. I mean my God whom else tells like it is and pushes the boundaries of good taste more than me? I am the Lenny Bruce of the bird world with my humor. Just like Lenny I know my fate won't be easy. Next thing you know my Mommy will bailing my ass out of jail and everyone will say I was ahead of my time. But apparently to the fag named taghe I'm not cutting edge enough for him. Now the gloves are off!

Pussies

2011-01-12T13:11:00.002-05:00

That's right...you are all Pussies. No one has dared comment on the Flood Fund! What are you afraid of the big wrath from the people in the Ninth Ward. I'm going to go out on a limb here (figuratively and literally), but I think that as long as they can be within walking distance of a liquor store they will be happy! But whom am I to say what's right and wrong. I will say rebuilding the Ninth Ward and the entire levee system is ABSOLUTELY irresponsible and is actually causing more harm with erosion than helping in the big picture. But people want cheap property and a fix right now! If they rebuild, I think that they should make it public housing or a jail. I would say a church or some kind of house of worship, but typically they are located in an area of prime real estate. So, Pussies you are and Pussies you will be.

Flood Fund

2011-01-09T22:17:00.002-05:00

So, my Mommy and so called Daddy just came back from New Orleans. They are lucky that they survived such an ordeal. It has come to my attention that they visited many sights...plantations where Daddy hoped to see working slaves, city tours where Mommy tried to embarass Daddy on a bus load filled with blacks, otherwise known as escaped slaves, and a museum tour of Katrina. I think that I can safely say that they would be in agreement with my flood fund. I am asking for money, shovels and laborers that's the new polite term for "them". We need to dig out the levees. This city needs the water to rise and take it away. It's a dump no one in their right mind would live there. Daddy, of course, thinks that this approach is an extreme, but I think that it's what Bush tried to do, but failed completing. Brad Pitt and his "Ninth Ward Make It Right" project are pathetic. Who builds where it floods intentionally? Only a stupid actor that's who! I'm so disgusted by the poverty, graffiti, vandalism, pornography and vomit in the streets. Something has to change and I am the only one willing to make it happen. Join me and give to the Flood Fund today!!

A Fag Cooking

2010-12-09T16:11:00.003-05:00

Daddy is pretending to be a chef. He's making celery root, you would think that he is Mr. Gourmet. Seriously, who does he think he is? It's offensive to anyone who can even so much as nuke a lean cuisine. I have heard countless times about what a great cook he is. Apparently, pureeing something is considered to be an art form now? I'm less than impressed. I want my pizza from Dino's, not some homemade version or Domino's that he thinks is so great! I don't care that they have reformulated their pizza, I'm loyal despite my taste buds. And of course, thrown in that they deliver sweetens the deal. But I digress....where we were? Oh, yes, Daddy is a fag in an apron. And I'm learning that now he likes to hang out with fags, especially old ones. How sick is that? I know, but what I can do just sit and watch I guess and shake my head in shame.

Hello to the Netherlands

2010-12-07T17:05:00.003-05:00

I have noticed when I checked the stats on my blog and who exactly is reading it that I have a lot of fans in the Netherlands. Welcome friends, countrymen and Netherlandians! Thank you for lending me your ears and eyes. You are clearly more intelligent than the mere stupid American. While I've never been to Netherland (not to be confused with Neverland and that child diddler, shameless self-promoter, 'King of Pop' but can't hold a candle to the real deal, the one and only diva amongst diva's--Celine Dion) I have surely been there in my mind with you. Unlikely, I will ever do a tour stop so you can shower me with praise as I hear from reliable sources that it is "cold as all hell," and I am tropical. Needless to say, you "get" me and for that, you are a people of high moral and intellectual esteem. Now that I think of the Netherlands, I wonder, what sporting events most tickle your fancies? Skiing and hockey, I would imagine--both favs of mine--or perhaps hottubing with big boobed blonde bimbos brimming with booze, vodka and other spritis of the night that make it far easier (yet, not easy enough for the average slob) to stick it where the sun don't shine, if you know what I mean!! Aaah, now I wish I were there with you, my fans. But I digress-I've already praised you too long--don't want anyone getting idea I'm just a regular fella'. Be well, keep reading, and drop me a line now and then to comment on my posts. Au revoir, as you say!!

Pancakes and Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T09:25:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm here in Grafton living with total strangers because my Mommy has dumped me once again for the season. I am a tropical bird living in New England while that part cat, rat of a dog has her sorry ass in southern Florida. I have, however, been enjoying my breakfasts of pancakes and syrup, which I have suggested numerous times that they heat up on the stove first while whisking in some butter, but what do I know! Today, I woke up and realized to my horror that they have been fattening me up for the dreaded day - Thanksgiving. I think that they know that I am not a turkey, but since this year they are going to their son's for dinner the first time I ever I think that they are coming up with a back up plan for when they come home. Truffles kind of looks like mashed potatoes, so she better watch out! It's war I have to save myself.

Cardinal Law

2010-09-26T17:21:00.002-04:00

I make no bones about it I'm a die hard Jew. But I was watching a special on the Catholic Church the other night and have decided that they must be following these norms with regards to priests' behavior:

Molest a boy - off to a new parish where you can spread the good word
Molest a girl - mandatory counseling
Rape a young boy - automatic buy to the next round where you'll be crowned bishop
Rape several boys - congratulations you've earned yourself the title, Cardinal
Cover up your priest's crimes and deny them - free relocation trip to Rome
Partake in a hate crime by murdering thousands of innocent Jews - we will call you Pope

Do as I say, not as I do for I'm a Catholic not a Jew.

Shut Down!

2010-09-26T17:17:00.002-04:00

We've all heard the mob say, "we are going to shut you down" or "we are going to run you out of town". Well, I can tell you that I have lived it. After I posted "Thwarted", I found that my precious blog was literally shut down. I was stunned. I got the message loud and clear. However, my Mommy was dumb enough to get it back up and running, so now I can't hide. I am thinking about changing my name to something very Italian sounding. What about Maurice Anthony Feldmani - if it ends in a vowel it will pass for Italian, right? And I am strongly considering having some plastic surgery. I think that I am going to start with my beak. It's awful that I have to think like this now, but I am a survivor.

Thwarted

2010-09-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

I think I may have outrun the mob. The "godfather" hasn't been back in awhile, but his boys were here last week. I think that they just want me to know that you are never truly rid of them. I simply ignored them and acted like their presence didn't ruffle my feathers in the least. Luckily, my room allows me to see far and wide, so they can't sneak up on me. Also, luckily or unluckily, the white thing that licks its ass barks whenever something seems strange. If you try to go in a parking lot where there is a "Dollar Store", you'll see what I mean about her. She is hardly subtle...sometimes I wonder if she isn't Jewish. I am just keeping my cool and smarts about me and am waiting for the next threat to be delivered. I think it may affect my pizza supply as I have noticed lately that I have been running low.

The Protector

2010-07-29T17:48:00.002-04:00

I had to break down and hire some protection for myself. She is known as the "Bunny Chaser" and I have her guard the front door all day long. I am little concerned that she snoozes on the job, but she is all that I can afford and better than nothing. She is hired to alert me to any intruder as they approach. I don't have the money for her to attack them that is left up to me. Usually, she runs and hides after she alerts me. I don't kid myself into thinking that she would come out should I be in real danger. I don't live in a fantasy world. When she does her patrol of the house, she mumbles "I'm bad ass Bunny Chaser". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like the sound of it. Perhaps, it will be enough to keep those Italian boys away. I guess we will have to see how the next few weeks go. She has failed to keep the messages from coming home, which makes me sleep with one eye open.

The Message

2010-07-29T17:43:00.002-04:00

Well, I thought the reign of Italian terror was over because I hadn't him or his "boys" in awhile. But last night I got a message brought to me from of all people my Daddy. It was a food item, which I usually enjoy. I opened the box and found out much to my horror it was a white pizza with all of things CHICKEN on it. You have to understand my Daddy never orders chicken on a pizza not to mention a white pizza. It's clear who sent the pizza and what they are trying to say. The odd thing is that I have not done anything, but mind my own business these past few weeks. But you know what they say once the mafia gets in your business you're a dead man.

It's Been Awhile....

2010-07-18T09:38:00.003-04:00

....since I have graced you with my words of wisdom. I have been a victim of Italian terrorism. I don't know how I got involved with such horror, well actually that's not true I blame my Daddy. He has insisted on bringing home someone from the Mob and his family. The head of the family, we'll call him "Dave" has threatened to take my food. His sons are also a part of the rain of terror. Naturally, when Dave has touched my food I have screamed bloody murder only to be silenced by one of the "boys". I have read about how the Mafia will come in and take over your home and business, but I never thought me being a nice Jew would be victim to it. They come in and overwhelm my Mommy to the point that she's defenseless. Dave's wife acts oblivious to it all, which is typcial behavior of a wife married to a mobster - they turn a blind eye. I don't have any gambling debts, hookers or drug habit to feed, so I can't understand why I am under such an attack, but I am. I need help. They have shown me pictures of their cat to let me know "what could be done". They claim that "Fluffy" has a cat toy with my picture on it and I believe them. I will keep you posted if I can of how I am fairing.

If It's Round....

2010-06-15T18:48:00.002-04:00

I find that male humans love it. It can be in the shape of anatomy or more importantly in the form of sports. They love to chase a ball or watch a tire turn. This topic is on my mind given the Celtics battle for the NBA championship. It's so sad to see grown men huddle around a television with the look of fear and anxiety on their faces mixed with a sense of anticipation that they haven't known since they believed in the almighty Santa Claus. It makes me feel sad for them, but yet empowered that I have never allowed myself to get caught up in the hype and nonsense associated with all professional sport watching. So, off you losers go to watch your precious game and drink your soap tasting cheap beer while I stay home and relax with a fine glass of Cabarnet and perhaps, some smoked gouda. Oh, the finer things....

AKA

2010-05-28T19:27:00.002-04:00

You know a lot of people have nicknames. Although I think that is retarded, ie "Frankie, Johnny, Kit, Jay, Tootsie (for a male)", I will oblige and refer to the idiot how he or she chooses. BUT when you change your name, I question your level of saneness. Don't you agree? I mean who in their right mind changes their name - a loser on the run that's whom. It's so obvious, especially when you keep the same last name. Perhaps, you have the joy of calling this loser family. Lucky you! You would think that the loser would be courteous and change his last name too in order to protect the rest of the family. Nah, why bother? After all at the family cookout, he or she still goes by the same first name to all of you, so you are never the wiser. Lovely.

Black Pussy

2010-05-21T18:20:00.002-04:00

She is still hanging around my house and sitting on the stoop staring into space. When I don't see her outside, I know that she is inside watching Oprah. It makes me sick. I want to yell at her, "get a job, stop mooching off the white man". I don't dare because you never how "that type" will react. One minute they are all playful and the next minute the claws are out. It makes me so angry and I blame Obama for not only allowing it, but encouraging it with all his unemployment extensions. This country has turned into a wasteland for degenerates like my neighbor. They don't work, hang out all day, know your business, encroach on your backyard, look at you like there is something wrong with you for trying to better yourself, and they become really nasty and the hair on their neck stands up if you suggest that they at least try to contribute to society. It disgusts me.

Fitness Equipment

2010-05-21T18:15:00.002-04:00

I am definitely against owning fitness equipment, unless you like to waste space and your money on something that you will never use. Of course, there is the off chance that one day you decide to put down the remote and actually use your equipment only to find that it fails. Lovely! You think to yourself I don't even use this piece of shit, it should work when I want to go for that 5 minute walk. Sucker! The salesperson saw you and your belly coming when they sold you that and even better the repairman really wants to stick it to you to fix it. Now you have an outdated piece of junk that you can pour more money into, only to still not use it. JOIN A GYM!!! They maintain the equipment and you don't have the guilt trip every time you walk by it and avoid it yet again.

Lesbian

2010-05-19T12:21:00.003-04:00

She's a lesbian...let me put on my surprise face. That's right the new Supreme Court judge is a woman loving butch hair cut wearing dyke. Oh, how I am so not shocked by this new development. I miss the days of Sandra O'Connor...she was a classy lady. When Elena Kagan was nominated and it was published that she was 50 with no children or spouse, I knew then what type of freak we were dealing with before the general public put together the pieces. Then when she showed up to her hearings in a pant's suit and a haircut that looked like it was done at a barber's shop it reaffirmed my position. Why is the American public so stupid? It never ceases to amaze me how gullable and blind you are to what is so blatant! My God, it's like you are asking to be taken for a ride.

Ugly Politics

2010-05-12T13:13:00.002-04:00

That's what I think of the women in Obama's administration from Secretary of State to Supreme Court Judges the one thing that they have in common is that are all overweight, ugly women. He should be ashamed of himself. Let's start with Mrs. Obama....that butt is not muscle. Then there is Hillary...what happened to her face. She looks like a walking corpse with all the makeup to hide the huge circles under her eyes. Finally, the latest woman who has never been a judge and will now be one for the highest court in the land. Does it involve chocolate cake, because that is the only thing that I think she can judge. It's a joke, but then again so is this whole presidency.

No Comment

2010-04-17T15:09:00.002-04:00

What are my readers turning into pussies or Obama machines? It's a joke! No one has the balls to comment on my post about the Blacks in my Neighborhood. You are whimps, I am the one who has to live with this disgrace right next door. What is the world coming to? No one will call it like they see it anymore, much less admit that they agree. I am so enraged I could go out and vote for Sarah Palin that's the point you have all pushed me too now. I hope that you are proud of yourselves. In reality you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Blacks in My Neighborhood

2010-04-14T12:11:00.002-04:00

Well, here I am in Grafton, a white town or so I thought. It turns out my neighbor is a fat black. I should have known with the RV and old boat parked on the side of the driveway that it wasn't going to be good. Sure enough what do I see out my window, but a big black sitting on the stoop just staring into space. You wouldn't mind, but this is an everyday occurrence. I know that she is just living off the fat of the land. It makes my blood boil. And her backyard is littered with ridiculous lawn furniture and a pool, which I found surprising since I know that "they" typically avoid water. You know that this summer will be the cookouts with the whooping and the hollering. I found her this morning sitting on my deck, she knows no boundaries. Of course, no tolerance Nini barks up a storm at her, but she won't move. I think that I am going to convince my Mommy and Daddy to put up a barbwired fence to send a clear message.

This is the Bull..

2010-03-31T09:51:00.002-04:00

SHIT, that's right I said it. I can look at my window and see my Mommy's bedroom, but I'm not allowed to go there because of all the fumes from the painting and staining. It's a joke. This is just Daddy's way of trying to alienate me from my Mommy and MY new house! Mommy only moved to give me a better life out of the city with the smog and pussy gangs. They would jump right up into my window and just stare at me. I had figured out that they were different gangs of them based on their colors. The gray ones were the Latin Kings and the black ones, well I think that what they were is obvious! They had a "hit" out on me, I knew, but I didn't care. I would tease them by fluttering in the window and I would hiss at them to let them know that I wasn't afraid. I digress, now I'm held hostage in Grafton where I am not even in my own house and I just watch out my window my Mommy and Daddy come and go as they please. They don't even wave when they go by, it's so obnoxious.

Dino's

2010-03-08T16:38:00.003-05:00

So, Daddy is going to have a big seminar at Dino's. I already know that I am not invited. I'm not stupid. I don't care, well I kind of do, I'll be goddamn if I let him know that. Maybe he will take Nini - old people love little white dogs. Little do they know that I have taught her to snap at people with white hair. Grandma, otherwise known as my guard, thinks that it is random. But I have secretly spent hours with that little rat. Whenever they give me some meat, I save it for my training sessions with the little monster. I have molded her in my image. In order for her to really get it we first had to just do some observation lessons. I would scream to signal her to pay attention that a "snap" was about to happen. Then we I trained her with my meat scraps. I would drop it on the floor let her get start to go for it and then fly down and snag it. She slowly started to snap at me. It took awhile, she's not the brightest bulb, but I think that she has finally got it. Now she snaps if you just try to pick her up or move her and after she does she looks at me and I give my nod of approval.

Daddy is Painting

2010-03-01T13:47:00.002-05:00

That's right my Daddy is in Grafton painting and then going out for high end meals at Dino's. I think that he is using the painting as an excuse to "treat himself". It disgusts me. White and Black Dave can attest to it. White Dave even had the audacity to post a picture on facebook of Daddy living it up...Can you believe it? They are just throwing it in my face while I sit here with a rodent that licks her ass and the two prison guards. I could go for a nice meal once in awhile and we all know how I love a good red wine. You think that he would at least bring me home leftovers...I know better than to get my hopes up! I'm not an idiot. He doesn't even bring me home a slice of bread. The rodent is to oblivious to know what is going on, but I have my spies and I can smell it on him when he returns home.

Letters of Apology

2010-02-19T11:38:00.002-05:00

I want to know on any given day how many letters of apology Obama has ready to be sent out to those that he has offended. I am thinking he must have thousands of ways of saying "I'm a jackass". Perhaps, he starts out with "my remark was taken out of context" and then moves on to "George Bush is the real problem here". He recently had to apologize to the mayor of Las Vegas for discouraging people from going there and spending their money on such nonsense. While I don't necessarily disagree with the intent of the message, I think it could have been phrased a little softer. Something like if you want a hooker shop local first don't feel that you need to go to Las Vegas, remember every area has a bad section. I think then the mayor would not have been so offended because then you are not just picking on one area. It would have been more subtle. Obama just needs to tone down his message and remember to promote something. People are more receptive to that kind of message. With Toyota he could say "Toyota is unstoppable" - it could be good or it could be a dig at the braking issue.

I'm Dirty

2010-02-06T15:38:00.002-05:00

That's right even I have to admit it. My living conditions at the Chicopee State Prison are meager at best. I do not have a daily, weekly or monthly bath for that matter. Even I can not stand myself when I catch a whiff. Luckily, today my Mommy came over and took me to the bathroom where I could bath in private. She set up my towel for me and let the warm water run over my naked body. It was so refreshing. I may be going to Florida with my Mommy - I am hoping to anyway. She will keep me clean and then the only dirty thing around will be my mouth.

Mark Kerrigan....

2010-01-25T20:04:00.003-05:00

....is a killer. Of course, he murdered his father. How can they even charge him with assault? He's a drunk, drugged out loser - hello he's from Stoneham. He might as well be from Roxbury and black. And what was Nancy doing all day Sunday? I'd like to know her whereabouts....she seems suspect in all of this too. Crime just seems to follow her around wherever she goes.

A Nudist

2010-01-20T16:50:00.003-05:00

I knew that Martha Coakley was an ugly, likely lesbian Hillary lover. However, what I did not know before the election was that Scott Brown posed nude in a magazine a few years ago. I am not offended by this action, instead I applaud him. He really has balls and if you google it you can see them for yourself. I would like to see Barney Frank bare all. I am sure he has, but not for the establishment. I think the next house session should be conducted bare ass - it will really put everyone on a level playing field.

FROM FAT TO FAG

2010-01-17T12:57:00.002-05:00

Finally, I took the time to prove my hypothesis with the help of the Canadians through a much needed grant from Obama. Although I did not state truly what I was researching, I managed to hood wink the President like much the rest of the world and secure my funds. It's true fat people have more than their fair share of fags. That's right once the shape is gone, so are the inclinations for the opposite sex. The evidence is indisputable...especially, amongst lesbians. In the future I plan to also conduct a study linking man haircuts among women with queerness. However, the funds for that one won't be as costly as it seems rather obvious. I plan on following women and once they ask for blade number 2 I will know that I have a subject for the study. For men if there is hair dye involved they will become an unknowing participant as well. Then I am going to hit the churches and call out the priests. For this study I am going to make them prove that they are not gay, I will ask questions like which strip club do you want to go to "Hurricane Betty's" or "Chippendales". I will watch closely for eyes darting and looking down as they respond, which will make their verbal answer irrevelant. I will find them and out them at every level. I know no boundaries and I will stop at nothing. This tactic will be the next Crusade.

Blacks

2010-01-15T16:15:00.002-05:00

A new survey found that blacks feel that recently there has been the most progress in race relations than in the last 25 years. You want to know why they feel that way? It's because they have a "homey" in the White House. It's always been about them and getting stuff for free. Now, with Obama their dreams are coming true. Martin Luther King ruined this country and Obama is the culmination of his "dream" and the NCAAP colliding. If Obama continues to destroy the country, I'm moving back to Germany where at least you knew what you were dealing with.

Money to Haiti

2010-01-15T16:10:00.002-05:00

Obama is nuts. What is this man thinking? Who gives money to a corrupt government? A dumb black man that we call President that's who. It's outrageous, but it gets even better. In addition to money he wants to import them to South Florida. What the hell? Here I thought that the INS could relax and take a few days off, instead, Obama is making their job a joke by importing them himself. Why not put them on a Carnival cruise to get them here? Then once they are here put them up at the Four Seasons. What has this world come to? I blame it all on the upcoming holiday coming up this Monday.

Earthquake in Haiti

2010-01-13T09:19:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know it's tragic. But I am waiting for one reporter to step forward with some balls and examine the plus side of the quake. Do you know how many illegal immigrants come into this country from Haiti? It's ridiculous. Now the people who patrol our boarders can take a much needed day off during the next week. Not to mention overall the number of them leaving will be decreased for at least the next month. They will be preoccupied with their own "issues". I agree with my Daddy there's good in every bad - you know the silver lining bullshit.

Joe Jackson...

2010-01-12T13:52:00.003-05:00

...is an American hero. Look at all that he accomplished! He took poor black children and beat them until they were worthy of a record contract. The man is a genius. His children have no skills or sense of purpose - what a master planner. They simply ride on the coat tails of Michael what a burden to bear. Their only sense of fame has to come from a gay child molester with image issues. Oh, I can't help but shed a tear for them. But if it weren't for Joe, they would be on the street corner peddling crack like the rest of the kids from their neighborhood. They owe Joe their lives.

Nini is Fat

2010-01-09T15:34:00.002-05:00

As we all know there is nothing more that I hate than a fat out of shape animal, well Nini fits into that category. She is the first dog, much less puppy, that I have ever met that has a gut. How obscene! When she's sleeping, then it really hangs out. What a fat ass! It's bad enough that I am subjected to a species that likes her own ass as if it were a cheap Chinese buffet. I can't believe that I have to be placed in the same category as "family pet" as that fatty. I despise her!

As the Wind Blows

2010-01-08T16:37:00.003-05:00

...so the good news is my Daddy has been discouraged from coming home by no one else than his friend at Dino's, Dave. THANK GOD!!! I hope he moves to Florida and leaves me here for the cold to slowly kill me. He is complaining that it is 60 degrees there. Hello, it's not even 20 degrees here. What balls! Not to mention that my beak is drying out with the heat billowing at a stifling 75 degrees. Haven't my guards heard of a sweater or a blanket? It's unfathomable. I think they are trying to dry me out to see how much meat is really on my bones before they cook me up for dinner. Don't they do that with prime sirloin? I feel that my future is uncertain and dim. I am just glad that Dave has bide me more time before I have to humor him. I think I may scream "you bastard" when he walks in as a nice welcome greeting. But luckily there is still time to finalize my greeting. Any suggestions are always welcome.

Government and Religion

2010-01-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

These two seemingly opposite structures have one thing in common...they want your money. Without it they can't survive. Everything that they do is simply a means to that end. Of course, I am a strict Jew, but I am not blind. Each will manipulate you and try to strick fear in you for it. It's a joke. You can have morals without paying for them. You do not need someone telling you how to act. No one tells an animal how to hunt it's innate. Same thing with people. But everyone likes to follow something whether it be a flag or a bible, so the ridiculousness continues.

Check Out Comments

2010-01-04T11:46:00.001-05:00

If someone has the audacity to leave me a comment, I respond swiftly under the comment section. So, make sure you keep checking them out!

Comments

2010-01-03T13:38:00.002-05:00

For 2010 I have changed my blog to allow the mere humans of the world to communicate with me freely under my comment section. I am turning a new page and I actually want to hear about your thoughts not that should be confused that I somehow care or that I want to hear your life story. Absolutely not. The comment section is not meant to be a cheap form of therapy for you. If that is what you need, then you are going to have to pay for that and waste someone else's time not mine.

Facebook

2010-01-02T10:34:00.002-05:00

I'm on facebook everyone. I think that I may have made this announcement earlier. Check me out I'm under Maui Feldman and my email link is feldman666@gmail. I have already taken great joy in blocking some dead beat relatives whom have lied to me and my Mommy about being on facebook and have shunned the entire family. They are no good cocksuckers and why should I give them the privilege of reading about me and my life when they have made it clear that they want nothing to do with me or my Mommy or Daddy or Nini. It's insulting. I want to make it clear that I absolve myself of any contact from them either directly or slyly with their facebook-cyber stalking. Good riddance and a Happy New Year!

Bark at Blacks

2009-12-31T16:50:00.010-05:00

I already have received my first report in regards to Nini. Apparently, she went to a pet store to get a "Florida crate" and there was an incident. She was fine with all the white patrons in the store. However, when a black policewoman came in the barking and growling started. Oh, she makes me proud. I see that the little time that I have spent with her has been meaningful. It warms my heart to know that she did listen to my rants about blacks she has taken up her crusade against them....big or small....tall or short....in uniform or jail jumpsuits...she will not be deterred in her quest. Daddy, of course, had mixed emotions of embarrassment and awe. He had to discipline her because they were in public and I had forewarned her to be careful Daddy will agree with you in the car and then yell at you in front of others, so that he looks tolerant. What a way to end 2009.

I'm a Victim....

2009-12-28T16:35:00.002-05:00

....if I hear it one more time from anyone I'm going to scream. Why is it that people try to make their life out into something it's not? From fake blogs to overreactions it disgusts me. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how great or awful someone else's life is. I take my lesson here from Nini. Dogs are able to assess a situation, deal with it and move on. They don't dwell over it. Humans needs to apply this same practice to their daily lives. Stop running to your husband to fix your woes. I'm single and I deal with everything on my own. I make my own way in the world and I never tell anyone about it. I just deal.

Q-Tipville

2009-12-28T14:07:00.002-05:00

That's right I'm back in Chicopee with the old guards whose heads look like giant q-tips. I'm always a little stunned when I first see them. Daddy whisked me in to have Nini immediately starting peeing. I'm being housed in a barn. I won't tolerate unsanitary conditions. Then once she was done, she decided to stand on her hind legs and stare into my cage. This behavior won't be tolerated. I haven't slept very well the last few days with Daddy and now I've been transported to the other end of the state. I'm at my biting point.

My Room

2009-12-28T14:04:00.002-05:00

So, I was in Grafton with my room all to myself when who should arrive to spend the night, actually a few, but my Daddy. He stinks up the room with his lack of digestion. I was enjoying having some quiet time. No, he insists on having the television and the light on as he reads a book. My guess is he can't read and he is just trying to distract me and Mommy from the real issue at hand. Last night was the last straw. Apparently, Daddy caught a cold, so he was up all night coughing and then he brought in Truffles who decided that panting at 3 AM was the thing to do. I'm exhausted. I didn't get my beauty sleep and today I am en route to Chicopee where God knows I won't get any rest.

Nini's Egg Salad

2009-12-28T14:01:00.002-05:00

It has come to my attention that Nini has a signature dish that she makes, which has been handed down from one generation to another. It's her famous egg salad. I find it hard to believe that this dish is not a dig at me. Who but old people eat egg salad? Yet, this youngster is known for it. How ridiculous. I heard Mommy and Daddy talking the other day how Nini loves egg salad and really likes it mayoey. How disgusting! Figures I wouldn't expect anything less repulsive from her.

Freeeezzzinnggg!!!!

2009-12-23T07:50:00.002-05:00

I can't take it anymore, I'm from the tropics. I'm not meant to be in this weather even if I am inside. I shouldn't have to look out my window at snow, it's just wrong in every sense. I want to be in Florida and if my Daddy so much as drives one mile on 95-S without me that will be the end of our hate filled relationship. When he comes back, he will find one nasty bird. I am not going to take this treatment anymore. I will lash out.

Ho, ho, ho....

2009-12-23T07:47:00.003-05:00

.....that's a phrase Tiger Woods can use all year round. I wonder what is on his Christmas list. I am guessing something for this one and that one and then there's the lawyer fees for this one and that one. I wonder if he does stocking stuffers, I bet he believes in homemade gifts to stuff everyone's stockings with for the holiday. A sprinkle of Tiger in the air, it's the happiest season of all to see an icon fall on his face for the whole world to see. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I just love this time of year.

Pagan Holiday

2009-12-20T21:07:00.002-05:00

All your Jesus loving freaks who think Christmas is so religious need a history lesson, including above all Nini Marie Antinori. She's the biggest believer there is with her choir and midnight mass as if she were a nun kissing a preist's ass. It's pathetic not to mention that she dresses up as Santa thinking that it has something to do with Jesus. A typical religious fanatic she doesn't know the history of the holiday. It started as a Pagan holiday and was linked to religion by Saint Nicholas, who on December 6th, that's right not the 25th, gave gifts to good children and nothing to bad children. When the Dutch came to this god foresaken hell hole, they brought the tradition of Saint Nick with them. So, Nini, has to get her facts and her act straight or else I will have to set her straight and it won't be pretty. Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

PS Make sure you worship the retail gods that Christmas is really all about. Thank god I'm a Jew.

All Black Quarterbacks....

2009-12-20T20:59:00.002-05:00

.....SUCK! That's right I said it. The two exceptions are Warren Moon and Donovan McNabb, not that I know either of them personally. However, my Daddy claims that they are good. I find this claim hard to believe. My Daddy is partial to McNAbb because "supposedly" he went to Syracuse with him. I find this "supposed" fact hard to believe and harder to collaborate. Since black quarterbacks can't read, they don't know any plays. All they can do is simply run with the ball, a move that they are rather familiar with given their upbringing. How is that anything more than a glorified running back or a common theif? Why does the NFL continue thsi NCAAP experiment. It's clearly not going well, ie Michael Vick. How many dogs did it take to get this man convicted? Only to find now that he is back in the with white big titted chicks hanging all over him. It's a disgrace. I would never want to see Nini licking Vick's ass. I would hate to see it come that even though I despise her mere presence.

You Run, but You Can't...

2009-12-16T13:51:00.002-05:00

....well, even Nini knows how the rest of that one goes. Tomorrow they are leaving Florida and returning to the North. God knows why, I am perfectly happy here in the Grafton ward. I hope that they are not coming home to harass me, oh to dream. I know why they are coming home. They are travelling with a devote Catholic and naturally, she has to be "home" to celebrate Christmas. It figures she is Catholic, look at how small her brain is. I'm not at all surprised. So, through the snow and sleet they will travel just to get Nini to her house of worship where she will play with the priest, lucky for her she's not an alter boy and partake in all the ridiculous rituals we call Christmas. I hope that she doesn't embarrass herself at midnight mass, but knowing her it's a given.

Nini is a Racist

2009-12-15T13:08:00.002-05:00

I am the last one to criticize a racist. If anything I hold them in high esteem, but I just thought I should make everyone else aware of it. It has come to my attention several times during her stay in Florida. I heard that she "tinkled" when two big black men entered her condo delivering furniture while our Mommy was out in the hall. I can understand her fear and confusion as to why they were bringing in furniture as opposed to removing it, hence, the pee. The next glaring incident was in Broward County when an enormous black women was running across the street. I know the situation as the sea gulls forwarded me the pictures. In this case Nini barked and growled at the woman from the safety of her car. The reason I know that Nini is a racist is because she has been presented with similar situations except that the people were white. She has witnessed white people cross the street and white men visiting the condo and has failed to react. They should have known she would be a white supremacist where she is an all white dog.

Daytime TV

2009-12-10T10:19:00.003-05:00

I understand that that little white peeing rat likes to watch television. However, we are not talking newsworthy programs. Instead, we are talking your usual daytime crap. Nini starts her day with Ellen and stares at the television in amazement that a lesbian is smiling and actually seems happy. Next she turns her attention to Dr. Oz. Apparently, this program is one in which we can agree. Who can turn away from a doctor mortifying fat people on national television by pointing out their lab values to the nation? Then Nini takes a nap and recovers a little from that emotional rollercoaster to switch her attention to Dr. Phil. Here she enjoys watching Dr. Phil tell people what losers they are when in reality he himself is a loser with several past business dealings and a marriage that has failed. Just about when she has had enough of Dr. Phil on comes Oprah. Nini and I have daily bets as to how much she has gained since the last episode. I usually win Nini is always under and I'm always within a few ounces. You may wonder how I can know that I am correct. I have birds going through her trash and they report back all the fast food wrappers and from that it is a simple calculation of caloires in verses caloires burned. Any fool could do it except for Nini of course.

Who Called It?

2009-12-10T10:16:00.002-05:00

That's right it was me. I said when Tiger first smashed his Caddy into a tree that drugs were involved and low and behold they are. He was admitted for an overdose of Ambien and Vicodin. His drug dealer is a doctor. Sound like another famous black man we all knew? Instead, of hitting high notes Tiger hits little white balls. Why is anyone even surprised that a black man uses drugs? I can't believe this news is shocking to the general public and media.

A Pan Filled with Water

2009-12-06T10:56:00.002-05:00

The message is clear when in front of several people a pan is filled with water and people are coaxing me to get into it. Do they think that I am stupid? Clearly, it wasn't for a bath. It was to kill me. Do they think that I have forgotten about Thanksgiving? I am just crossing my wings that I will still be alive when my Mommy and Daddy and that rat come back. Not to mention that it is snowing here. I hope that they are enjoying the sun, while I am in combat mode.

Daddy and Computers

2009-12-03T17:34:00.002-05:00

If anyone is looking to learn new swear words, then they should go to work with my Daddy when his computers fail or he can't print something. Of course, it is not just the swearing it's the throwing his hands up in the air and the shaking of his head. It is really quite theatrical and entertaining. I usually just put my head down and keep eating. I find the best approach during this time is to ignore Daddy and deal with him when he is in a calm submissive state. Nini, on the other hand, is not familiar with this scene and she jumps up on Daddy's legs further adding to his level of anxiety and aggravation. I know better, but then again I'm not a dumb dog either.

Tiger Woods

2009-11-30T17:43:00.002-05:00

Another black man crashes his Caddy at 2 AM, why is this news? It's just pathetic that everyone is so taken with a black golfer with a white wife and children. He seems like every rapper around, but dressed in polo shirts. Every time I put the news on I keep hearing how Tiger is sorry for he's actions, whom is he kidding? We all know that the only thing he is sorry about is the damage caused to his free Caddy. It will only be a matter of time until we know what substance was in his blood stream at the time of the accident. I have my money on alcohol, unless of course at 2 AM he was on his way to his dealer.....

Mortifying Daddy and I Love It

2009-11-27T17:14:00.002-05:00

So, I keep recieving reports from my eyes in the sky about Daddy and Nini. The latest is she gets herself up on the hatchback part of the car behind the back seat in the rear window and then spreads her legs for all cars passing by. Daddy is simply mortified by this behavior as cars pass him and smile and wave at him. I take great joy in knowing that Daddy is crossing state lines, on major highways and side roads with Nini in the back spread eagle for all to see.

NiniNO

2009-11-27T11:50:00.002-05:00

I can feel the anxiety in my Daddy's voice as he yells, "Ninino" all one word. He yells it so much that the little rat must think her name really is Ninino. This scene is then followed by a lecture from my Daddy to my Mommy of how "he's never seen an animal either so dumb or so defiant or dominant and not willing to please it's master". See Daddy how smart and willing to please I am. I have learned all of my tricks without food as a motivator and I don't lick my own ass. I bathe daily. The only time Daddy and I get "into it" is when I decide to bite down on his finger and then he flings me into the air, but I look at that more as a little game of bonding between my Daddy and me.

Bathing

2009-11-26T08:17:00.003-05:00

Why I even need to discuss this topic is beyond my comprehension! I bathe on a daily basis...my Mommy runs the water in the sink and it pools into a nice little puddle and I inch down on my towel and stand under the refreshing shower. It has come to my attention that Daddy is debating when to give pissface (Nini) a bath. How is this topic even up to debate? First of all she stinks if the wind blows just right I can get a whiff of it up here....it's a mixture of fish, piss, wet dog and dry dog all together. The mere description of it makes me gag. She turns my stomach and to think where that tongue has been just kills me. I hope that Daddy stops debating and just gives her once monthly bath!

Getting My Drink On

2009-11-24T16:30:00.003-05:00

Those are Nini's words....it has come to my attention that the dog drinks beer. How totally American? My god she should go on a Budweiser ad...I can see it now. They catch Nini licking her ass and then show the beer next to her and say something like"This bud's for you". Can you imagine? The sad thing is most beer drinkers would find it funny and be encouraged to continue their crass behavior. I'm a wine drinker myself and a refined one at that. I could never go to a Happy Hour sit outside with my Daddy and sip a Bud. The mere thought of it makes me want to puke.

Let's Talk Tricks

2009-11-24T12:01:00.002-05:00

I do several of them and I didn't even need to be "trained" with food. I just caught on to them very quickly. Now, Nini, on the other hand is another story. I heard through the grapevine that Daddy is trying to teach her "paw" to no avail. How sad is that? Daddy says it and grabs her paw at the same time and she just stares blankly at him. Tell me whom is more intelligent?? I think that it is obvious. I am smarter than her and Daddy combined yet I sit here in the freezing cold without my Mommy and look out the window at dead grass.

Out of Shape

2009-11-24T09:19:00.005-05:00

I heard from the hawks circling yesterday that Daddy and Mommy took Nini to the tennis court to let her run around, what a scene that must have been. Supposedly, the little rat chased the ball for all of a minute and then ran in circles around the net like an alligator was chasing her only to finally have her tongue dragging on the ground with the rest of her body. I hope that Daddy was embarassed to tears by that display. Then I heard that she couldn't even make it down the hall to her condo, Daddy had to carry her sorry ass. She yawned her way through the rest of the day and then she was asleep in my Mommy's arms by 7. She couldn't even make it through the Wheel, not that she would be able to solve any of the simple puzzles. I won't even waste my time with that show I save my intelligence for Jeopardy.

Daddy Sunning Himself

2009-11-22T14:34:00.002-05:00

I hear that Daddy is living it up in Florida laying out by the pool and getting his drink on, while I sit here in a back room with Truffles. I heard he may not back until after Christmas the balls of him. While I sit here and freeze, he has that little Italian rat with him in the sun. I can't stand it and from what I hear all he does is yell at her and shake his head. She is too dumb to even learn "paw". I mean I know tricks and this thing only knows to lick her own ass. What kind of trick is that? It's gross is what it is. The first time I saw it it was like going by a horrific accident where you know that you shouldn't look, but you just can't help it.

Madoff

2009-11-22T14:30:00.002-05:00

Madoff gives all Jews a bad name. Who steals from his own? A Jew that's whom and I pity the people who didn't know better. I know that they claim that they are victims. Come on??? Am I supposed to feel sorry for people who were already wealthy and greedy? We birds have learned less is more. We keep simple homes with fabulous views and prefer our freedom, rather than being tied down with stuff.

It's that Time of Year

2009-11-22T14:24:00.002-05:00

When I literally try to hide in my cage, until the coast is clear. That's right, it's Thanksgiving, where my cousins will meet their death in order to save the rest of us. Hitler did have a lasting effect across the oceans. Well, I'm here in Grafton wondering if I am dinner on Thursday. I"m trying to be optimistic, but I know the odds are not in my favor - what better way to get rid of a guest than to cook him? If only Nini were here, the licking her ass and chasing her tail would surely distract them from me.

Balls

2009-11-10T15:20:00.002-05:00

....that's the only word to describe my Daddy today. He had the balls to come in and see me one last time as he is packing up to go to Florida. Of course, I screamed at the mere sight of him and nearly fell off my perch when he said "it's Daddy". Does the man think that I am stupid? I know who he is - who does he think I see in my nightmares every night, besides Nini? I get it pack up leave me here in Grafton while you go off and sun it. How pathetic is Daddy? He's Irish I give him 10 minutes in the sun. It's alright I don't want to go anyway. I can't imagine being held up in that tiny Mazda with that crowd - Daddy who drives into curbing, Nini whom I've nicknamed Pissface for obvious reasons, and Mommy with her leg out. NO THANKS!

The Differences are too Great!

2009-11-09T09:38:00.002-05:00

I can't do it. There's no way I can tolerate a staunch, stubborn Roman Catholic. I am now in Grafton and am realizing how much better it is without the Catholic around me all the time. Typical of any religious nut, if you give her an inch she'll take a mile and act like it's you who is crazy. She goes around all day with a look of innocence when I know that she's really plotting to kill the Jew in the room. I can see it by the look in her eye. Of course, Mommy and Daddy are obilivous to the religious tension that she is causing. I don't dare mention temple I think that will make her growl turn into a bite. I sleep with one eye open and slowly peak out of my chambers to see where she is. Everyone thinks it's a joke and then a bomb goes off.

Off to Florida

2009-11-08T08:34:00.003-05:00

Would you believe that they are going to Florida and more importantly that I am not? That's right the little white rat can go and I the tropical bird has to stay up North in the cold and snow. It's not even natural. Nini won't appreciate going there like I would not to mention that she doesn't even know where she is half the time anyway. It's pathetic. I can't stand how she has manipulated her way into the car and I am left out on the street. From now on her and Daddy are to address me as Mr. Feldman and are not to make direct eye contact with me. I will view such action as a challenge and will unleash my built up hostility on each of them. I am just shocked to my core and yet not surprised that Daddy is being led by something that licks its own ass.

Children and Dogs

2009-11-06T09:37:00.003-05:00

Well, I am pulling my feathers out over the dog only to find out that my Mommy is going to be an aunt in January and April. What is happening? Is this the end of the world first a dog and now I will have cousins. I refuse to do diaper duty, just like I refuse to let that dirty dog near me, especially after I see what it licks not to mention it pees at will. Even I a simple bird have semi-learned to poop on command. I'm not an animal. At night I retire to my chambers only to wake up to see that dirty thing in the bed. It turns my stomach, so I try to startle it into peeing by screaming. I am practicing when it's not here the exact pitch that will evoke pee. How I'd love it to pee right in front of Daddy who thinks that he is the next Caesar with that little rat. Nothing would give me greater pleasure then to rub Daddy's nose in it.

Sidenote

2009-10-30T18:38:00.001-04:00

To just explain White and Black Dave - there are 2 Dave's at Dino's (the Italian restaurant we go) and one always wears black hence Black Dave.

Nini Marie Antinori

2009-10-30T18:37:00.001-04:00

That's her full name, she's a Catholic and a virgin. I don't think this arrangement is going to work. Now, mind you I have only heard of her through the grapevine as I am still in Grafton. Great, a dog to ruin my days now as if Daddy wasn't enough.

Black Dave

2009-10-30T18:31:00.002-04:00

So, I keep hearing that Black Dave only works one night a week and on weekends. I asked my Mommy and Daddy, "well, where is he during the day?" to which they replied he's at the courthouse. Oh, my God!! Why aren't alarm bells ringing in their pee size brains. They claim he works there. Okay, and OJ is just visiting the jail he resides in too. Isn't it obvious he's a career criminal! We all know the lingo for someone on trial - "he's in court, he's at the courthouse." He's out on bail is more like it, which comes as no surprise.

I'm Doomed

2009-10-29T17:11:00.002-04:00

They are talking about and looking at a dog, I'm done. I can't deal with something that thinks it's ass is dessert. I put up with adopting Daddy that was one thing, but now a canine. It will be like living in a zoo here if that happens. I am officially out if anything with fur is allowed to live with me. I'm letting everyone know I'm up for adoption again should this talk become more than that. More to follow on the official adoption procedures should we need to cross that bridge.

Imus

2009-10-28T09:02:00.002-04:00

My day starts every day with my Mommy turning on the telly to watch Imus on the Fox Business Channel. Could anyone's day start out more vulgar? I can't stand Imus. I know I'm negative, but this man has it down to a science. He's insulting to his guests, audience and co-workers. It's astounding that people watch him religiously, but then again why should I be astounded as I am forced to watch him on a daily basis.

She Puked!

2009-10-24T17:02:00.002-04:00

That's right, Daddy's cat friend came in, ate and puked! I blame Daddy. Mommy t0ld him only give her half a can of cat food, but no Daddy gave her the whole can. So, guess what happened. This cat that is starved for more than just affection ate the whole can and HURLED on Mommy's carpet. Mommy didn't get mad, she just told Daddy that it was his fault. My mommy knows how to make me proud.

Metal Sticks

2009-10-21T10:48:00.002-04:00

After her soul finding trip to the Rockies, my Mommy came home with metal sticks that she insists on walking with everywhere. My theory is she doesn't really need them and just keeps them around to force Daddy to clean, do laundry, cook, you name it. I think she wants Daddy to realize all that she does. Why she keeps up the act to the point that he has to dress and shower her I don't understand? But, hey everyone's marriage is unique!

White Dave

2009-10-21T10:38:00.002-04:00

Supposedly, now my Mommy is such an embrassment that white Dave at her favorite Italian spot is insisting she come in through the kitchen only. He doesn't want all the customers to see her. If I may make a suggestion to white Dave - buy 2 rolls of duck tape. It will save you from her endless chit chat! You will only need one roll, but I could use the other. She doesn't shut up "who's a good boy, pretty, pretty" and then the condescending "wow". It's relentless. I know that poor white Dave would like to just scream like I do, but feels it would be inappropriate. Well, I'm imploring him and others to just scream when she starts. If we all do it, she'll get the hint I hope.

My Mommy Can't Read

2009-10-21T10:31:00.003-04:00

I didn't want to believe it at first, I tried to deny it, but I just have to face the reality of the situation - she can't read. Why else would the television be on constantly? It's worse than living with an old person. She starts at 6 AM with Imus of all vile things to start your day with and she wonders why I start my day screaming. Then we have the luxury of breakfast and her leaving me with the telly on, doesn't she get it. I hate the noise. It literally rattles my cage. All day it won't stop. The only possible explanation for it is her inability to read. Good God I hope that she doesn't get hooked on soap opera's next in exchange for the History Channel.

Only A Few Days to Go...

2009-10-03T13:36:00.002-04:00

...until I'm rid of them. I can't wait! No more snoring or black pussy threats. Good riddance. I won't have my computer with me, however, and my Mommy cut off my cell phone, so I will be out of touch while they are gone. That's okay. I plan to relax, tear up a new book, antagonize Truffles and be spoiled in Grafton. The only thing is there I can't take a daily bath, so when Daddy and Mommy come home I might be ripe. Oh, well serves Daddy right for not even trying to book me a ticket. He knows that I love to fly.

Daddy's New Car

2009-10-03T13:32:00.002-04:00

Daddy finally bought a new car. After he sold his Honda, a whole month went by before he finally purchased a car. I told Mommy this is what happens after you get married - you have to cart Daddy around now. She tried to tell me he was getting a new car, but after a month went by even she couldn't bring herself to say it. Apparently, it's a new Mazda all loaded up and I'm not allowed in it. Oh, welll I don't really care anyway. I prefer the Jeep, I'm up high, I can see and forewarn my Mommy of danger. The Jeep goes more with my take no prisoners personality. Daddy can keep his little hatchback.

Colorado Bound

2009-09-26T16:34:00.002-04:00

Thank God they are are leaving me for a whole week and I'm going to go to work camp Grafton. At least it is too cold for me to work in the yard, but I am sure that I will be doing some manual labor in the house. Last time I was there I painted the whole house, this time I may be on a cleaning mission. I hate toilets, but what can I do? I will also have to fight off and scare the mop with hair and eyes known as the family dog, Truffles, which insists on staring up at me. One other time when I was at "camp" the pile of fur sat on me. Can you imagine thinking this is it with a hairy smelly ass in your face? It's inhumane even for a work camp.

I Smell Black Pussy

2009-09-26T16:28:00.003-04:00

That's right I smell it because Daddy has encouraged it to come into my living room. Nice, huh? Well, the pussy managed to wander into my room. Luckily, I was in lockdown mode in my house, but I just looked at it speechless. Daddy's threats are less than subtle. The other day he had the Pussy attack a dove outside my window. I screamed bloody murder to save the dove. It's like living with a rapper in your neighborhood you never know what they are going to do you just pray that they will have their base pumping as a warning. I feel afraid constantly and am always looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open. I know that any day now Daddy is going to put the hit out and I will be Pussy meat.

I'm Fat and I Blame Daddy

2009-09-26T16:17:00.002-04:00

As I have already announced, I'm fat, but the more I reflect the more I realize that it's Daddy's fault. He goes to this local Italian restaurant and brings me home pizza. He orders a whole pizza for one and wine and chats it up with white and black Dave. Now, first of all I find it uncharacteristically odd that anyone black is allowed in an Italian restaurant, but I digress. Daddy does not seem to find it odd, but then again he's Irish, so he is on thin ice anyway. I have recently had my wings clipped, so I am asking for your help. I need someone to take me to the restaurant so that I can badmouth my Daddy to both white and black Dave and to check out the menu. I think he could order a smaller pizza and not force me to eat the leftovers as part of his overall plot to knock me off my perch.

I'm an American....

2009-09-26T16:11:00.002-04:00

...it's official the vet declared it the other day, I'm fat. I might as well as give up my German citizenship and book it to the nearest McDonald's followed by the closest Dunkin 'n Donuts. I apparently have "a belly". Now, my Mommy says "who loves that belly", but I know she doesn't mean that she does. I know it is said in a mean sarcastic way that only you would understand if you knew her not to mention when she says it Daddy stands there laughing at me. I see how it is - I'm just another statistic.

Listen Up Duvall

2009-09-09T19:02:00.002-04:00

As we all know and are celebrating Ted Kennedy is dead, and it's not from cirrhosis of the liver as I had waged online. Oh, well it's Mommy's money anyway. I wonder how long he had brain cancer and if that can be used to explain why he left a woman to die in the water - it was the cancer and not the booze in his system. I should be a lawyer. Anyway, I am writing to our mighty black governor to implore him to put me into Kennedy's office. Why not most politicians are bird brains and my lifespan is long. After all, as I read in Newsweek, if you stay in politics long enough you are actually respected. I am respectful now imagine me in 25 years from now. Oh, the things I could do. I could tear to shreds someone's bill - literally. I could take a dump right on their head as they speak and I could scream to be heard. I have power I just need a place to use it. So, listen up al powerful black man, I'm heading to the Hill.

Wedded Bliss....My Beak

2009-09-09T18:59:00.002-04:00

Well, here we are just the three of us living in wedded bliss. We are rolling into week 3. I have lunged at Mr. Kirkpatrick and I bang my head whenever he is present. In addition today I finally just had a meltdown. It was just me and my beloved Mommy on the computer. She was doing her thing and I was checking my stocks when out of nowhere I launched an attack. I bite her finger and drew blood then I went for her stomach, someone has to give her the hint, next I went back to her finger and held on for dear life. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't help it. I think I miss my Mommy and our alone time, so I took it out on her. What can I say? I'm adjusting!

Two Mr. Feldman's

2009-08-20T08:35:00.002-04:00

I've decided I have no other choice in this matter as the wedding is tomorrow, I'm going to have to adopt Daddy. What else can I do? The man is nearly 40 and has parents, but seems to be begging me for my last name. Why else would he be marrying my Mommy? It's all a ruse to be closer to me, I can see through it. So, I am having my attorney draw up the papers and that will be my wedding gift to my Daddy. He will now go by Howard Feldman. It has a nice Jewish ring to it and will likely help him with business. Everyone wants an angry, frustrated Jew for his or her attorney, we all know that. Mommy, on the other hand, can go by Tracy Kirkpatrick - I can't adopt everyone. I just want my Daddy to know that I welcome him with open wings and a sharp beak!